My wife and I, both women, have one child, who is now 5. We used a sperm donor from a federally licensed bank, to ensure our legal parental rights. I conceived and carried the baby, and both our names are on the birth certificate. Here’s the thing: A couple of months ago, I brought up with my wife the prospect of finding our kid’s donor siblings. She told me she wasn’t crazy about the idea but that I should go ahead and do what I want (obviously, this was said without enthusiasm). I brought it up to her several times after that, and her response was the same fatalistic, “Do what you want, obviously my wishes don’t matter here.” I took my spouse at her word, and started looking. In a secure, vetted fashion (through the sperm bank itself), I was able to find a group of other families who used the same donor. And there are a bunch of kids—over a dozen!

I am overjoyed. I’m excited about the prospect of meeting these families, of our children having close relationships with their half-siblings as they grow up. Seeing pictures, hearing family stories, and learning about medical histories are all great outcomes of this. And as a lesbian, I am excited to connect with a lot of other families, many of them LGBTQ, and have a sense of community with them. My wife is threatened by all of this. She says it feels like I am saying, “Here’s our kid’s real family.” I feel that her stance is emotionally immature and centers herself, not our child’s needs. My wife was really upset over my findings. She has asked me to not tell our child (yet?), and told me she felt hurt because deciding to contact donor siblings was something she wanted us to do together. Which is clearly not true!