Health/Food Posts Tagged as 'Advice'
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WHY ‘NO’ IS THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT WORD WHEN IT COMES TO DEALING WITH ANXIETY
When it comes to quelling anxiety, ideas for different strategies abound; there are books, balms, blankets, and beyond. But according to Kristen Bell, an advocate for mental-health realness, one of the best, simplest, and most effective ways to self-soothe just requires two small letters. In her keynote speech at last week’s Mindbody Bold Conference, Bell shared that the power of saying no more often has been a saving grace to her as she navigates the struggles with anxiety and depression.
“I realized that my codependency was so crippling that I couldn’t say no to people,” she said. “So what I’ve been doing this month is practicing saying no to people in a very kind way.” But that certain doesn’t mean prioritizing boundaries and becoming a no person is an easy thing to do, especially for those who struggle with anxiety.
Well and Good
Should I Intervene With a Kid Who Says He Is Depressed?
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 11-year-old son has been friends with “Paul” for more than two years. During that time, Paul has been suspended from school multiple times for his language (he drops the F-bomb constantly, has called his teacher the B-word, etc.) and disruptive behavior. He’s known to deliver very colorful commentary on how he sees the world, shouting out some particularly interesting bits at times. Nevertheless, Paul is a smart and sensitive kid, and I am rooting for him. We all are.
The reason I’m writing is because Paul recently told my son that he sneaks and drinks his mother’s vodka when he’s feeling depressed, which is “most of the time,” in his words. He has mentioned those feelings before, and I’m also aware that telling tall tales is part of his swagger. For the most part, we take them in stride, but the combination of the alleged drinking and depression made me pause. I’m honestly not sure if Paul is just trying to look cool or if he’s trying to ask for help.
My plan, which I shared with my son, is to wait and see if Paul ever talks to me about these issues, and to then talk to a grown-up who has some oversight in his life, i.e., the school principal or his teacher. I wonder if I’m doing enough or if I should do more, though I’m not even sure what that would entail, as a conversation with his parents seems impossible—they are not at all approachable. Am I just sticking my nose in where it doesn’t belong? Your thoughts are appreciated.
—All Eyes on Paul
My Husband Hasn’t Touched Me in Six Years
Dear How to Do It,
I am so lost, and I just don’t know what to do. Some background: I was married and divorced young (he cheated). We had three children, who are now grown with children of their own. Following my divorce, I was in a long-term relationship with someone. It was abusive and ultimately ended with him cheating on me with my best friend.
After that relationship ended, I started dating someone I knew since we were kids. We have always had a close relationship and kept in touch via phone about twice a year to catch up. He became my husband. We dated for five years and have been married for 7½ years (I was 41 when we married; he was 39). About a year and a half after we married, sex just stopped. He was never really the aggressor in the relationship, and I was OK with that. But then it stopped altogether. At first, we talked about it. He went to the doctor, reluctantly. The doctor tested his testosterone and said it was normal. Still nothing. I’ve tried everything you can possibly think of: dates, sexy lingerie, space, time, not pressuring. You name it; I’ve done it. The thing is, there is no intimacy at all in our relationship. We don’t touch, literally. We don’t cuddle. He kisses me once goodbye and once hello when he leaves or comes home. I believe porn was an issue at first; I found some on his phone, and I know he was “taking care” of himself. We instilled a rule of no electronics in the bathroom, but I am sure he is still using his phone in there when I am not home. I’ve pleaded to go to counseling, but he refuses. I went to counseling for about a year by myself, and it did nothing but reaffirm my feelings. I told him I feel like we are roommates; he said that was silly. I told him I was thinking about moving into our spare room, and he asked me not to. He is very prideful and worries a lot about what other people think.
Everything else in our life is wonderful: kids, grandkids, our home, where we live. I love it. But this is something that just has me so torn. Some days I think I can live without it. But most days I am so lost. I feel myself getting worse: getting snappy at everything, my dogs, him, and anyone around us. I go to my daughter’s house occasionally and spend of few days with my grandchildren, and I realize we are in trouble because I don’t miss him. I feel crushed. We are both Christians, and I am very involved in church and church activities. He refuses to become involved with anything. I don’t believe he is having an affair—he is never home late, never goes out when he isn’t working, and isn’t weird with his phone. I cry most days lately because of this situation. I cry because I am so disheartened that another relationship could possibly end, and I don’t want that. I do love my husband. But I wonder if he truly loves me or if he was in love with the idea of me for all these years before we got together, and now I am not living up to his expectations. Please help me—I don’t know what else to do.
Michelle Obama's advice to 1st-gen college students: 'You are faster, quicker, smarter, sharper'
Former first lady Michelle Obama has a message for students who are the first in their family to attend college.
"It’s going to be okay as long as you don’t quit," Obama told students Wednesday at her annual #BeatingtheOdds Summit for first-generation college students. "There are lesser people than you who have gone further."
Obama described being at "probably every powerful table there is to be at."
"Let me tell you," she told the students, "they’re not smarter than you. I’ve met these people."
Good Morning America
Death rates increasing for U.S. adults aged 25 to 44: CDC
Death rates are on the rise for young and middle-aged U.S. adults, with white and black people experiencing higher mortality than Hispanic people, according to new research from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) published Tuesday.
Between 2012 and 2017, the rates for white and black people aged 25 to 44 increased 21% each for both groups, while Hispanic people of the same age range saw a 13% rise.
Sally Curtin, a statistician at the CDC’s National Center for Health Statistics and one of the report’s authors, said an uptick in suicides, homicides and drug overdoses contributed to the higher rates for the younger part of the group.
Want to Raise a Hard-Working Child? Do These 6 Things
My Steamy Online Chat Partner Turned Out to Be a 16-Year-old Girl
Dear How to Do It,
An occasional time-waster of mine is to go into random text-only chat rooms and spin a fantasy for a willing woman. It’s fun and creative and everyone has a low-commitment good time (I hope). Recently, someone online asked if I would do a “losing her virginity” scene with her. I said sure, and I took her through a very sweet and consent-filled fantasy where she got to direct the action and feel like a star. At the end of it, she confided in me that she is actually 16 and really a virgin and also, would I want to meet up to do this for real? I of course said that I didn’t think this was a great idea but that she would make a great partner for someone someday. (I am well over 16.) But now I’m conflicted and totally gun-shy about going back online. I know, of course, that whoever is on the other side of the chat could be a boy/girl or a nonbinary/furry person of any age or orientation, but this definitely made me uneasy. Did I do a wrong thing? Is there a better way to proceed? Or should I just be happy she had a nice experience in her own home with a faraway guy who hopefully gave her a template for how it could go when she finally finds herself ready to have sex?
What to Ask For When You're Bumped From a Flight
Last year, a passenger on United was given $10,000 in travel credit for volunteering to be bumped from her flight. While it’s very unlikely you’d receive the same amount if you agree to volunteer, it’s important you know what you’re entitled to.
While the odds of being involuntarily bumped from your flight are pretty slim these days, it’s still possible. It’s much more likely airlines will voluntarily bump passengers on overbooked flights, luring them with compensation in exchange for their seat.
If you’re standing at a gate and an attendant offers compensation, it’s important you know how much cash you’re entitled to. Technically, under regulations by the Department of Transportation, there is no limit to the amount of cash an airline can offer a passenger who volunteers to be bumped; some airlines like Delta and United have allowed gate agents to give out up to $10,000 and $9,950 in travel credits, respectively. (To reiterate, however: It’s very unlikely.)
How Often Should You Wash Your Dog?
Most dogs don’t require bathing more than every two weeks, according to Mark D. Freeman, DVM, an Assistant Professor at VA-MD College of Veterinary Medicine.”If they live in a clean environment, sometimes that number is even less,” Dr. Freeman says. That’s partly why the ASPCA thinks you can get away with bathing your dog as infrequently as once every three months. Dogs that spend time both indoors and outdoors, however, are more likely to need bathing every two weeks because they’re simply more likely to get dirty.
Back Off, Mom
My mom thinks she’ll help care for my first child, but she couldn’t be more wrong. How do I make this clear?
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I want to have our first kid soon. Before we start trying, we need to figure out how to handle my mother.
We aren’t close at all. I maintain a polite relationship with her to minimize guilt trips and dramatics that arise when I keep the much-greater distance I would prefer. She’s learned that there will probably be a kid eventually, and she’s become obsessed with moving near me and being “Grandma’s Babysitting Service.” I’ve tried telling her that wouldn’t work for us, but she says, “You have no idea how hard it will be, especially after the second” or “Why have babies if you’re going to dump them at some day care?” or “You can’t afford good child care.”
We can afford day care, and while it’s expensive, more importantly, it’s not my mother. She was a big believer in corporal punishment and severe “Tiger Mom” parenting methods. I would never leave a kid with her unattended for even a few minutes.
We have major differences in values, and she thinks it’s her responsibility that her grandchildren participate in her religion (she embraces its most judgmental and hateful aspects), which is unacceptable to my husband and me. I don’t want her “help” raising my child, and I don’t want to deal with her guilt trips, unsolicited advice, and other intrusions into the happy and stable life I’ve built for myself.
She claims all her friends live near their grandbabies and take care of them when the parents have to go to work, and that it’s not fair that she might not get to do the same. She has started looking at homes in our area (where she knows no one but us), and, as she can’t afford to live in the city, she’s started telling us to move to the suburbs and get a house with enough room for her to live with us. This is not happening. Is there a way to handle this short of full estrangement while she’s living in a fantasy world and not my metro area?
Dad murdered autistic sons by driving off pier: prosecutors
If You Fall Asleep Quickly, It Could Mean These 11 Things For Your Health
When you get into bed at night, do you relax for a few minutes — maybe reading a book or thinking about your day — before nodding off? Or do you fall asleep immediately, with little to no awareness of your head even hitting the pillow? If the latter sounds familiar, it might be your body's way of telling you something about your health.
How To Communicate In Bed If You’re Naturally Quiet, According To Experts
If you get your sex education from porn (which, in case no one ever told you, you shouldn’t), you might assume that loud, wild, passionate moans come naturally to everyone, especially women. But if you instead feel unsure of how to express yourself in bed, you’re far from unusual. Especially since many of us have our first sexual experiences masturbating, when we have no reason (and often don’t want) to make a peep, it can take effort to figure out how to communicate with a partner, and that may or may not involve moaning.
“Unlike in porn, sex does not always result in uncontrollably loud and powerful orgasms,” certified relationship expert and mental health specialist Adina Mahalli, MSW, tells Bustle. “Instead of focusing on what you should do, feel, or sound like, try letting go and living in the moment. The best way to express yourself in bed is to let things happen naturally. Having sex requires a significant degree of vulnerability, but if you become just a bit more vulnerable, you'll find that it transforms the experience. Once you lower your defenses, you'll see that your verbal and body language will start narrating your sexual experience in ways you've never imagined.”
We need to be more honest about what tech culture is doing to our mental health
My dad was a psychiatrist and my mom was a civil rights activist, so I was lucky enough to grow up in a home where mental and emotional wellness was openly discussed on a regular basis. Still, when I became the cofounder and CEO of Starcity, a venture-backed startup trying to solve housing affordability in cities, I fell victim to a true entrepreneur’s dilemma—the internal pressure to run myself ragged.
This pressure strained my relationship with my family and made me stressed out all the time. At the time, my daughter Charlie was a few months old, and she would often wake up in the middle of the night and need some love. Because I was so sleep-deprived, when she did wake up, I would jolt out of bed and either be angry and confused that she was affecting my limited sleep schedule. When I would reluctantly help out, I was never able to fall back to sleep. This was a painful cycle, and my wife made it clear that this behavior was not sustainable for everyone. I was disappointed in myself and knew this was not the type of father and husband I wanted to be.
DOES BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP MEAN GOING TO EVERY SOCIAL EVENT ON YOUR S.O.’S CALENDAR?
Star-spangled bikinis aside, the Fourth of July isn’t the most sexy of all holidays (it certainly falls behind the romance-heavy celebrations like Valentine’s Day, New Years Eve, and Christmas). Perhaps part of my stance has to do with the fact that this year, my barbecue plate certainly won’t include a side dish of sex. That’s because I’m opting out of my boyfriend’s big July 4th bash this year—one of the recurring social events he’s been having with his friends for a decade. While at this point, his friends are my friends and my friends are his friends, and we all love each other and all that jazz…I just don’t know if I love them at an amount of 10-hours-at-a-faraway-beach-with-no-exit-plan. So, “learn to when to say no” is something I can successfully check off my to-do list.
I get that it appears as though I’m dead in the wrong in my choice to go this route. Because isn’t the golden rule of relationships that old proverb, “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends”? The argument makes sense to me; in the early days of your relationship, getting “with” your new squeeze’s friends is major. You don’t need to be a walking Cool Girl Who Can Hang trope, but being at least cordial with the people your love loves is a fair expectation if you want to last. That much I can handle, because I love my partner (and also, phew, he happens to know some good people and sometimes my introverted self is surprised by how much fun we can have).
Well and Good
Is pornography harmful to romantic relationships?
If your partner's passion for adult entertainment is messing with your self-esteem, you might be questioning their integrity, but it is possible to watch porn and still enjoy a healthy relationship. Certified sex coach, sexologist, educator and writer Gigi Engle looks at the pros and cons of pornography and how to make it work for you:
Is it normal to watch porn?
Your Professional Decline Is Coming (Much) Sooner Than You Think
It’s not true that no one needs you anymore.”
These words came from an elderly woman sitting behind me on a late-night flight from Los Angeles to Washington, D.C. The plane was dark and quiet. A man I assumed to be her husband murmured almost inaudibly in response, something to the effect of “I wish I was dead.”
Again, the woman: “Oh, stop saying that.”
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I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but couldn’t help it. I listened with morbid fascination, forming an image of the man in my head as they talked. I imagined someone who had worked hard all his life in relative obscurity, someone with unfulfilled dreams—perhaps of the degree he never attained, the career he never pursued, the company he never started.
At the end of the flight, as the lights switched on, I finally got a look at the desolate man. I was shocked. I recognized him—he was, and still is, world-famous. Then in his mid-80s, he was beloved as a hero for his courage, patriotism, and accomplishments many decades ago.
Here’s the No. 1 reason why employees quit their jobs