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Last Duel, The (2021) Arf

Wife screams rape by hubby's bestie and rival. A trial and a duel decide their fate. The respect Ridley Scott expresses to the Middle Ages is not supported by Damon, Driver or Affleck. Ben is slimmed into a Prince Joffrey outfit with vocoder voice. Driver is a ready-made Rasputin with no magical powers. Damon lost his confidence and earnestness. The men don't belong. They are wise asses of modernity and circumstance. My X-ray vision caught smirks and college campus antics. Jodie Comer had the unfortunate task of reciprocating to two male lead green screens. Why show love for another when you can keep it for yourself. Ridly Scott has a fascination with effete kings. He should make a film all about them. 21-Jan-2022

Tags: 2020s, Action, Bad Chemistry, Director's Touch, Drama, Gay Swatch, Political Satire, Predictable, Relationships, Revenge, Romance, Star Watt, Timid, Words Spoke

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21-Jan-2022


Eternals (2021) Arf

Zhao contributes "beauty of art" and serenity to the MCU. The actors are sound comic book cutouts defying gravity with little purpose. A Galactus of significance would have created the conflict that Gods favor and audiences delight in. There was a sameness to the threat, a sadness to the truth and no color for the future. 13-Jan-2022

Tags: 2020s, Action, Action Fun, Cold, Comic Book, Daddy Squish, Director's Art, Fantasy, Gay Swatch, Heart Writ, Hot Swatch, Music Swings, Pretty, Sentimental, Star Watt, Timid, Words Spoke

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13-Jan-2022


Eyes Of Tammy Faye, The (2021) Woof

It's cold on facts and quick with details. Two fascinating humans aligning to make the world a better place for themselves, remain enigmas. They let go of reality and rode a magic horse to success. Magic horses need water so they steal some from neighboring lands. Lands dry up and competitors get suspicious. Jessica has brilliant moments when spiritually linked to the original but defaults to herself when Tammy Faye does nothing spectacular. There was no Faye spin on song or yell. Jessica completed a very difficult job. Andrew Garfield instantly reminded me of the Jim Bakker I thought I forgot. He was excellent. What happened with the kids? 13-Jan-2022

Tags: 2020s, Bio, Camp, Chemistry, Daddy Squish, Drama, Funny, Gay Swatch, Good Acting, Magnetism, Relationships, Sentimental, Star Watt, Timid, Touching, Wit Crack, Wit Snit, Words Spoke, Writ Thoughtful, Writ w/Possibilities

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13-Jan-2022


Red Notice (2021) Woof

Red Notice fulfills "land of magic" type escapism. The writers created an intriguing caper and an enigmatic cast to play act it. Gal Gadot can act. Well. Daddy King Rock delighted in being the brunt of a joke, constantly, in fabulous fashion. Dickwad Reynolds steals it by being a cantankerous benevolent criminal who is also Deadpool. The director took advantage of its DCU historical significance and developed some solid characters. Heart tug. 11-Jan-2022

Tags: 2020s, Accidental Watch, Action, Action Fun, Action Stomper, Adorable, Camp, Chemistry, Coincidence Laden, Comedy, Crapfun, Crime Drama, Cute, Daddy Squish, Director's Touch, Enthusiastic, Fantasy, Fresh, Fun, Funny, Good Acting, Heart Writ, Hot Swatch, Mystery, Revenge, Sentimental, Silly, Star Watt, Tough, Wit Crack, Wit Snit, Words Spoke, Writ Thoughtful, Writ Tight

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11-Jan-2022


Wasteland, The (2021) Bites

I can't identify with a child that wakes his parents up so daddy can walk him to the latrine which is terrifyingly one block away. To piss. Why didn't he just piss in any corner of the house except where mama hangs laundry? It debates whether parents should compromise a boy's sensitivity by forcing him to become a man if the times deem it necessary. It's a future where woke people are forced to eat animals named Fluffy to survive. Suicidal grandpa daddy grants himself an early reprieve by getting a conscious in between bouts of "I don't give a shit! and "I want to die!" Daddy did not deserve a vacation. Mother madness is spooky with minimal slaps and torture towards children. She did good with killing animals, though. I didn't understand it. "The monster is made of trees, branches and bad lighting, maybe. You imagined the whole thing. You're just like us. Nuts." The child riled us up but the director couldn't give us a reason for any of it. 08-Jan-2022

Tags: 2020s, Accidental Watch, Coincidence Laden, Dialogue Lament, Director Hands Off Approach, Disappointment, Drama, False Action, Fatigue, Foreign: Spanish, Horror, Over the Top, Predictable, Preposterous, Relationships, Scare Obvious, Shrill Act, Silly, Stupid Funny, Wit Crack, Writer Weakness

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08-Jan-2022


Venom: Let There Be Carnage (2021) Arf

Venom is nothing without that spider boy splitting his ass in half. How fortunate that Tom Hardy has a dick-breaking ass. Venom's and Tom's duality don't combine. There are attempts to bring them together but talking to green screens is all it is. I imagined a wraparound as opposed to a pop out. I was aghast at how youthful and beautiful Mira Sorvino looked then realized with humiliation that it was Michelle Williams. Michelle got rid of the haughty accents, loosens up and shakes her sourpuss. Reid Scott was a supportive adorable dunce. I thought Stephen Graham was a Walhlberg doing a bad imitation of a better Wahlberg. Woody Harrelson was channeling an old white woman from the 1950's out on her last stroll. Go nuts, daddy! The film has no purpose except to destroy and sell but it has stupid entertainment value. I liked Asian Venom, they gave us a hint at Lady Venom and didn't dare realize a Drag Queen Venom. Why not? 07-Jan-2022

Tags: 2020s, Action, Action Fun, Camp, Comic Book, Crapfun, Daddy Squish, Director Experiment, Director Movement, Enthusiastic, Fun, Funny, Hot Swatch, Mad, Magnetism, Preposterous, Silly, Star Watt, Stupid Funny, Trashy, Wit Crack, Wit Snit, Writ w/Possibilities

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07-Jan-2022


Passing (2021) Arf

Disturbing friend passing as white revives a childhood friendship with a black woman who lives like a white person. It is filmed in black and white so we don't notice how silly it would have appeared in color with lots of white powder on pale brown faces. In this case, the story needs to be brighter than grey. Why is Clare invading a stranger's home? People don't do that unless they're desperate. She was just bored. She stole attention from the children and her friends. She fucked her husband and talked shit about her behind her back. Nothing was executed. Everything was a hint. The stalker is married to a most ignorant white man. She's getting darker because she's tanning more. Hahaha. How did she handle pubic hairs? Unless bikini waxes were all the rage, women kept it bushed in the 20's. The white stupid husband didn't get to tell his story. Thompson and Negga gave it what it required but the director did not excite us with a Bette Davis and Joan Crawford type showdown. I wanted Thompson to rage at Negga for interrupting her housewife bliss. I wanted Negga to explain herself whilst she tore her hair out. What a waste! 05-Jan-2022

Tags: 2020s, Chemistry, Cold, Director Experiment, Drama, Elegance, Good Acting, Hot Swatch, Relationships, Sentimental, Slow, Star Watt, Timid, Wit Snit, Words Spoke, Writ Thoughtful

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05-Jan-2022


Lost Daughter, The (2021) Bites

A Karen gets flashbacks of her maternal discord and cheating ways when she spots a young Karen with the same problems while vacationing. The whole shebang is weird and nonsensical. Maggie Gyllenhaal's direction made me dislike Olivia Colman's acting method. I love Olivia Colman. Don't show me Olivia Colman's acting method, show me her acting. Director did not appreciate the beautiful creature Lady Colman is. That's all. 03-Jan-2022

Tags: 2020s, Dialogue Lament, Director Insanity, Drama, Fatigue, Preposterous, Relationships, Slow, Star Watt, Tedium, Weird, Writer Weakness

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03-Jan-2022


Kathleen (1941) Woof

Growing moppet with a grudge against her invasive nanny, the privileged world that enslaves her and the widowed daddy that ignores her, retaliates. 12 year old booby traps a private box with written warnings to pique the witch's interest. It explodes. Opening the box proves the nanny's invasion of privacy and that the witch wasn't what daddy thought she was. They hire a female psychiatrist to observe and treat the child's behavior and change it for the better. Moppet warms to common sense, things with daddy improve and moppet is whirling in family heaven. A fourth wheel, a money grubbing whore, tears the moppet's fairy tale walls down and rebuilds them with shields of female entitlement by trying to marry the rich bastard. Bitchfest! 01-Jan-2022

Tags: 1940s, Comedy, Director's Slice, Drama, Enthusiastic, Funny, Relationships, Romance, Star Watt, Sweet, Tough, Wit Snit, Words Spoke, Writ Thoughtful

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01-Jan-2022


Encanto (2021) Arf

Abuelita sacrifices her husband to magic and gets a brand new house. The house is alive with sorcery, the family is gifted with trickery and the town thrives on bountiful happiness. Men are useless and goofy. Women are Amazonian of the nosey kind. They only get into trouble when they walk into it. The voice cast is dreamy but Lin-Manuel Miranda's music is back to infect my ears with disjointed melodies. I couldn't hang on to any musical notes because more confusing ones replaced them. He's taking our ears back to when we were babies adopting to hearing. Goo goo ga ga sounded like a song but it wasn't. The film was culturally unidentifiable as the latinos were nondescript living in fairy tale land with one family under God, controlling the whole town like the mafia. TG climate change arrives to kill their magic. Kudos to the voice actors and the artists. 30-Dec-2021

Tags: 2020s, Action, Animation, Chemistry, Cultural, Director's Touch, Drama, Enthusiastic, Fantasy, Fatigue, Fun, Funny, Gay Swatch, Good Voice Act, Heart Writ, Music Murders, Relationships, Silly, Star Watt, Timid, Vague, Words Spoke, Writ w/Possibilities

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30-Dec-2021


Pinocchio (2019) Bites

Someone thought that realizing one of the most horrifying fairy tales to live film was a whimsical idea. The director wastes little time on magic and spends most of it on ugliness. He realized all the threats in a boy's life and all the insanity of the myth. A boy that really isn't a boy is considered a genderless fuck opportunity. Pedos prefer gender non-specific children because it's the baby smell they're after. Pinocchio is the perfect victim. Unique, beautiful, stupid, excited, rebellious and cooperative. The puppet gets enslaved, murdered, robbed, betrayed, hated, abused and exploited. Pinocchio cannot become a boy because his ADD doesn't allow him to sit still long enough to accept love and he's kind of an asshole. I'd be an asshole too if I were created to give hugs and tickles to ugly men. Oops, I was! The director rushes through plot points and changes nothing to make the ordeal acceptable. Why does wood eat? Why doesn't he rust or flake? What is the fairy's deal? His growing nose is a hard-on, not a lie. Jiminy Cricket sucked. It's a horror movie. Becoming a boy only grants him a hole. The world around him still sucks. 29-Dec-2021

Tags: 2010s, Accidental Watch, Action, Brutal, Creepy, Drama, Fantasy, Fatigue, Gay Swatch, Horror, Indecipherable, Mean Spirited, Preposterous, Scary, Tacky, Tough, Trashy, Twinkie, Violent, Weird

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29-Dec-2021


Pig (2021) Arf

The afterlife Anthony Bourdain would have lived if someone had stolen his truffle sniffing pig. Nicolas Cage rides shotgun on a road trip to nowhere interesting, with an undefinable buddy, to bring his pet home. The transition from woods to city, hurts. It's supposed to be a vehicle to re-establish Cage as a bona-fide actor. He is battered, humiliated, hated yet his composure remains the same. He doesn't give a shit. Cage doesn't get to rage and his breakdown is silenced. Adam Arkin sparked chills by spontaneously talking like Cage and raging how Cage did not. The words ponder nicely but deliver dribble. Imagination does not fly because intelligent thoughts are incarcerated. When imagination ceases to exist, I will still wonder if muting Nicholas' breakdown deprived us of his gift. Bourdain wasn't meant to be Indiana Jones, he was supposed to live long enough to accept his punishment. That's what it should have been about. 28-Dec-2021

Tags: 2020s, Daddy Squish, Good Acting, Preposterous, Sentimental, Timid, Vague, Words Spoke, Writer Weakness

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28-Dec-2021


Free Guy (2021) BitesEarly Exit

The premise is too outrageous to describe. Nerd becomes "toxic man" when he meets the inaccessible woman of his dreams. He lives in a game and not. I pondered. Is Ryan Reynolds funnier when the makers convince him it isn't supposed to be funny? Who knows. I accidentally turned on deaf of hearing mode and was perturbed by the narrator describing every fucking single thing that happened. I thought, what an annoying piece of shit then I realized the goof. Oops. I corrected it and fell asleep. I will review it properly later, or not. There wasn't much to like. 28-Dec-2021

Tags: 2020s, Action, Art Devoid, Camp, Cold, Comedy, Corn, Depressing, Early Exit, Fantasy, Fatigue, Macho Posing, Over the Top, Preposterous, Repetitive, Star Watt, Timid, Weird, Writer Humiliation

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28-Dec-2021


Hondo (1953) Howl

A wife/mother abandoned by hubby on Apache terrain staves off conflict when an Indian head takes a liking to her son. Apaches don't cry and revere baby boys as gifts. An ultimatum is issued. She must decide on an Indian for a husband or the Apaches will kidnap and raise her son. She keeps hoping her husband returns but the Apaches think he's dead. In struts John Wayne as a half Apache gunslinger that causes as much ruckus as he does saving. The best westerns contain wide landscapes, big hearts and simple writing. Society (Apaches) has the right to teach a boy to become a man for the benefit of his survival. Wayne is classic and Geraldine has the audacity to stand up for her son and protect their homestead. The kid is precious.

(If you want to be an asshole, you can count how many times the make-up runs off Apache legs or you can just enjoy a great story.) 26-Dec-2021

Tags: 1950s, Action, Action Fun, Chemistry, Cultural, Director's Touch, Drama, Funny, Good Acting, Heart Writ, Hot Swatch, Inspired, Music Swings, Relationships, Revenge, Romance, Sentimental, Suspense, Sweet, Tough, Twisty, Western, Wit Snit, Words Spoke, Writ Thoughtful, Writ Tight

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26-Dec-2021


tick, tick...BOOM! (2001) Whimper

Spider-man split open his asshole and we tasted it. The flavors were acidic and international. Like a caesar salad. Miranda covers an artist that succeeded without musicality because he's an artist that also succeeds without it. When did Spider-Man become Doc from "Back To The Future?" Andrew is its good thing, Robin de Jesus is a missed opportunity and Judith Light was too jewish. Vanessa Hudgens was the only artist that understood the piece of crap she was in and relaxed to our enjoyment. Bad music and immature storytelling equal forgotten art. 24-Dec-2021

Tags: 2020s, Accidental Watch, Bio, Brutal, By the Numbers, Camp, Dialogue Lament, Disappointment, Drama, Gay Swatch, Music Murders, Musical, Over the Top, Preposterous, Relationships, Silly, Slow, Star Watt, Timid, Ugly Art, Weird

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24-Dec-2021




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