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Wonder Woman 1984 (2020) Bites

Patty Jenkins went on a shopping spree with the film's budget. Did she leave it home? It opens with a baby Diana discovering clever ways to somersault at the White Female Olympics. She's unbearable, I mean unbeatable even as a child. There should have been a lot of irony in a woman raised to best everyone, even in goodness. Years of not belonging in the world would have brought her detachment from it. Everything you hate about the movies is in this one. The older maidens are given minimal time. They didn't study their accents. Cheetah might have been intriguing as a black character with white superiority issues. Pedro Pascal left his guts on the floor while Ms. Jenkins took a nap. Gadot needed to wear some of the tear in Wonder Woman's battle history to find her strength.

Patty Jenkins killed Wonder Woman. 14-May-2021

Tags: 2020s, Action, Art Devoid, Brutal, Camp, Comic Book, Corn, Dialogue Lament, Director Experiment, Drama, False Action, Fantasy, Fatigue, Funny, Sort of, Inactivity, Over the Top, Political, Preachy, Predictable, Preposterous, Relationships, Repetitive, Romance, Silly, Slow, Star Watt, Stupid Funny, Tacky, Timid, Trashy, TV-like, Unenthusiastic, Weird, Writer Humiliation

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14-May-2021


Elizabeth Harvest (2018) Whimper

Mad genius harvests wife until she gets it right. Ciaran Hinds does as he looks with no surprises. A better intro to Elizabeth's beginnings might have given the character depth because in the present, she's a dope. Carla Gugino wasted her brilliant cream and Matthew Beard creeped me out. The process of thinking is so wasteful. 14-May-2021

Tags: 2010s, Accidental Watch, Depressing, Disappointment, Fatigue, Horror, Mystery, Relationships, Slow, Star Watt, Weird, Wit Crack, Writ w/Possibilities

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14-May-2021


Housemaid, The (2010) Woof

Shuttered young woman accepts a job caring for a very well established family. Wife is made of plastic things and pregnant with twins. She believes her silent brute won't cheat on her because she's the perfect wife having miracle twins. "A man does not cheat on perfection." That is her motto and her curse. The eldest child is a delightful package. She is brave to say what's on her mind and sorry if it offends. A matriarch of servitude is the expert of the house, teaching the young woman how back breaking and useless it is making rich people happy. She is Mrs. Danvers, respectfully. Plotting, conniving, avenging, infiltrating and non-stop hurting to become like part of the family. Daddy is a self-absorbed god. Maid is a sexual magnet. An imperfect powerless naif to be completely his. The mother of the house is an awesome witch ready to set fire to anything that brings shame to their name. The scandal turns ingratiating maid into a hostile. The women cancel her for breaching family code... " you don't steal sperm from family gods that you are serving without asking the women first. Revenge is awesome. 10-May-2021

Tags: 2010s, Chemistry, Cultural, Daddy Squish, Director's Art, Drama, Elegance, Foreign, Funny, Sort of, Good Acting, Heart Writ, Hot Swatch, Magnetism, Music Swings, Relationships, Revenge, Romance, Scary, Sexy, Star Watt, Subtle, Suspense, Sweet, Thriller, Twisty, Wit Crack, Wit Snit, Words Spoke, Writ Tight

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10-May-2021


A Bucket Of Blood (1959) Arf

It feels like an episode trashed by The Twilight Zone because of extreme creepiness. Mentally unwell busboy works at a grungy cafe that spits art on a loop. It's just high people babbling (poetic readings), white people jazzing and everybody judging. There was a rap essence, pre-ALF jazz, optional shaving, questionable sexuality, men wore beach sandals with suits and the hate was chill. Busboy daddy dreams of becoming one of these assholes. He doesn't know any better. Busboy accidentally stabs a cat in the wall and it lands near his bucket of clay. Voila! Instant art! He brings the hideous sculpture to the cafe and becomes a hit. Voila! Genius art! He is now an asshole. 10-May-2021

Tags: 1950s, Accidental Watch, Camp, Chemistry, Cultural, Daddy Squish, Director's Touch, Drama, Funny, Horror, Music Swings, Star Watt, Suspense, Tacky, Trashy, Weird, Wit Crack, Words Spoke

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10-May-2021


Mitchells vs The Machines, The (2021) Whimper

Teen lesbian leaving for school has her life upended when Siri takes over the world and her dorky family is in charge of saving it. The adventures rely on coincidence, loud family squabbles, pet abuse, girl empowerment, gay robots and swirly pops to the brain. The voices don't humanize or endear themselves to us. Does Michael Rianda really think that he sounds like a cute little boy? It ends like every new animation whose heart beats like a girl. Go, girls! Do whatever the fuck you want! 06-May-2021

Tags: 2020s, Accidental Watch, Action, Action Stomper, Cold, Comedy, Disappointment, Drama, False Action, Fantasy, Fatigue, Gay Swatch, Over the Top, Predictable, Preposterous, Relationships, SciFi, Shrill Act, Timid, Too Long, Unfunny, Words Spoke, Writ w/Possibilities

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06-May-2021


Mrs. Winterbourne (1996) Whimper

With a confident lead this might have been a cute comedy. 18 year old naif decides that New York is the place for her to establish success. Porn director introduces himself at the train station, impresses her, she moves in, she gets pregnant against his wishes, she doesn't abort and he kicks her out. She ends up in a fancy train to Boston with another pregnant woman and her charming husband. Tragedy happens. She and her child are accidentally mislabeled Winterbournes at the hospital and mother is forcefully marched to the Winterbourne estate to meet the mother and brother of the deceased. The fraud works because they've never met before. Miguel Sandoval was a pleasant contribution as a surrogate father to the boys and a gay butler privy to sex with rough trade. Brendan Fraser was at his prettiest, Shirley MacLaine was at her wittiest but Ricki Lake was a nerf ball. You can throw it around and manipulate it to land somewhere but it doesn't move by itself. Even the makeover was underwhelming. She went from Ricki Lake the actress to Ricki Lake the broadcaster. The baby was excellent. 05-May-2021

Tags: 1990s, Accidental Watch, Camp, Chemistry, Comedy, Daddy Squish, Director Slouch, Funny, Sort of, Gay Swatch, Preposterous, Relationships, Sap, Star Watt, Sweet, Weird, Wit Crack, Wit Snit, Words Spoke, Writ w/Possibilities

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05-May-2021


Seventh Sign, The (1988) Whimper

God was so angry with us in the 80s that he sent seven signs to warn us he was on a path of annihilation and made Demi Moore and her baby carry the burden. If she can fulfill enough of God's contracts she can accomplish the "save the world" prophecies in the bible. Moore's luminescence and chemistry is wasted on shitty creators. A man can protect the world but only a woman can save it. 04-May-2021

Tags: 1980s, Accidental Watch, By the Numbers, Camp, Chemistry, Conspiracy Theory, Cultish, Cultural, Daddy Squish, Disappointment, Drama, Fantasy, Fatigue, Horror, Hot Swatch, Mad, Mystery, SciFi, Silly, Squish Alert, Star Watt, Timid, Weird, Writ w/Possibilities

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04-May-2021


Tenet (2020) Arf

Aaron Taylor-Johnson knew how to lead, Chadwick Boseman had no presence, Robert Pattinson had no rhythm and Christopher Nolan discovered the reverse button. The film was correct about one thing. If you fall asleep halfway through, you heal faster. 03-May-2021

Tags: 2020s, Action, Bad Acting, Bad Chemistry, Conspiracy Theory, Director Experiment, Disappointment, Drama, Hot Swatch, Music Swings, Over the Top, SciFi, Silly, Star Watt, Suspense, Vague

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03-May-2021


Separate Tables (1958) Howl

The Beauregard Hotel is home to longevity, money, secrets and fraud. Deborah Kerr plays a mousey spinster constantly swooning over a mature army captain (David Niven) full of braggart. Her mother allows her breath but no life. Rita Hayworth is the classy lady of diminishing beauty checking in to recapture her ex-husband before he marries again. The ex-husband is Burt Lancaster, always snarling and whispering sweet nothings in a woman's ear. He is torn between his ex and the hotel manager. Rita's wild and untamed qualities inspire him to be violent. His abuse makes him feel bad. The hotel manager is not kind to bad touches. Wendy Hiller was no Rita but she wasn't dead. She let Burt know what a fool he had become. The guests find out that one of the oldest residents has been charged with sexual harassment. The writers serve the subject straight. The politics of the hotel are established by the power of the individual. The makeshift family has a meeting to decide whether they kick out the sad and charming sexual harasser from his home or let him be. Strong opinions are shared. A lesbian guest argues the best by not arguing at all. Contradictions, truths and insults arise. The captain may have rubbed a few legs and fondled some elbows but the guests have done catastrophically worst to each other. 02-May-2021

Tags: 1950s, Accidental Watch, Chemistry, Director's Achievement, Drama, Funny, Gay Swatch, Good Acting, Hot Swatch, Relationships, Romance, Sentimental, Star Watt, Tough, Wit Snit, Words Spoke, Writ Tight

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02-May-2021


Primrose Path (1940) Howl

Tomboy receives her first kiss from a Tractor Daddy and it compels her to dress like a lady (tramp) and stalk him. He doesn't want a woman in his life he wants the shy saucy mouthed little girl he met. They marry, manage a cafe and are adorably happy until a family dinner with her family wrecks it. Tomboy's father is of honored intelligence with no job, lots of drink and no hope for a future. The mother is the ex famous beauty on the hill who gave up her dreams to feed her mother, two daughters, lousy husband and herself. Men with money escort them upstairs while the ladies snatch it. Grandma is a tacky invasion and the youngest is a brat spoiled by presents and groceries only an expert mother can bring. Ginger Rogers was swell proving she can do things herself, Joel McCrea was a giant worth looking up for and every character played to our sympathies. Fuck you, parents! 01-May-2021

Tags: 1940s, Chemistry, Classic, Cultural, Daddy Squish, Director's Art, Drama, Enthusiastic, Funny, Good Acting, Music Swings, Relationships, Romance, Star Watt, Sweet, Wit Crack, Wit Snit, Words Spoke, Writ Tight, Writing Reigns

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01-May-2021


20,000 Leagues Under The Sea (1954) Woof

Captain Nemo moves about the ocean with his Bat-sub blowing up ships because society has betrayed him and his family. A sailor, a professor and his sarcastic assistant make it safely onboard the vessel and become hostages to an undersea rebellion. Professor wants to rehabilitate Nemo because his violent revenge is coming from a good place. The other two just want off. Douglas was Popeye smooth with tight musculature, Lukas sounded like he knew the answers and Lorre was droll fully funny. Mason is unrecognizable as the infamous captain, the seal was wonderful being daddy's little pet, the squid was magnificent, the suits were inventive and the Star Wars windows were fabulous. 01-May-2021

Tags: 1950s, Action, Action Fun, Chemistry, Daddy Squish, Director Movement, Drama, Elegance, Enthusiastic, Funny, Good Acting, Hot Swatch, Magnetism, Music Swings, Pretty, Revenge, Sentimental, Star Watt, Suspense, Wit Snit, Words Spoke, Writ Tight

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01-May-2021


Die Hard With A Vengeance (1995) Woof

I needed a break from imaginary intelligence so I decided to watch the daddies that kept me a boy longer than I needed to be. The Riddler has designated several bombs to go off at different times all over Gotham unless Beast Boy and Cyborg decode them. As soon as Daddy Willis walks naked into Harlem wearing an offensive sign and precipitates different reactions from the community, the movie stakes a claim on how we presently live. It isn't offensive because the film is a warning about foreigners using our hate to destroy us. The actors are saying things that we think but are not allowed to say. Our anger and resentment is released through them. Samuel L. Jackson is the best antagonist to have because he will do what's right for everybody and make you laugh. Applying CGI spandex onto Jeremy Irons Riddler would have made his equation complete. Chemistry is on blast, believability is shot but daddies look so cool getting bloody and blowing things up. 26-Apr-2021

Tags: 1990s, Accidental Watch, Action, Action Fun, Action Stomper, Camp, Chemistry, Comedy, Conspiracy Theory, Crapfun, Cultural, Daddy Squish, Director Movement, Drama, Enthusiastic, Funny, Good Acting, Kool Effects, Macho Posing, Magnetism, Music Swings, Over the Top, Physical Humor, Preposterous, Revenge, Squish Alert, Star Watt, Stupid Funny, Sweet, Tacky, Thriller, Tough, Trashy, Violent, Wit Crack, Wit Snit, Words Spoke, Writ Tight

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26-Apr-2021


Youngblood Hawke (1964) Arf

Mr. Hawke drives a coal truck by day and writes the great American novel at night. Mother is wracked because that is not the job that's going to get them out of podunk. They're just pretty words. Wrong, witch. NY publishers called to propose a writing career for your son. Away he goes from Kentucky to New York to deal with business cutthroats, empowered Amazons with tender hands to create or deflate and a key to sin city. The men created partnerships but the women were the deal. He's hanging out with the haves. All the women stand demurely in line to take their turn with him. He's a golden pretty boy who didn't sound much like a writer and definitely didn't honk like a truck. James Franciscus held no extra thoughts. A blank page of "pretty as fuck." The ladies ease through the suds, confiding thoughtful sensibilities in spite of corny poetic writing. He's in love with his boss' wife and maybe his editor. He puts one on ice while he sparks fires with the other. Genevieve Page ate dairy/meat to make her hair resplendent. The accent, the manners, the fashion, the IDGAF attitude and her sweet little gay boy allowed me to pleasantly follow her. Unfortunately, the affair repeats itself so much that I'm surprised the writers didn't add "again" to every single "I'm leaving you." Suzanne Pleshette was so adorably female. Hawke's mother's storyline seemed incomplete as did the boy's. Hawke becomes a celebrity victim and gets cancelled for no apparent reason. 25-Apr-2021

Tags: 1960s, Accidental Watch, Chemistry, Corn, Crapfun, Daddy Squish, Director Experiment, Drama, Fatigue, Gay Swatch, Hot Swatch, Music Swings, Political, Relationships, Sentimental, Twisty, Wit Snit, Words Spoke, Writ w/Possibilities

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25-Apr-2021


Tenant, The (1976) Arf

An unassuming man moves into an apartment that drove a young woman to suicide. He visits the victim at the hospital (for foreign hospitality reasons and to maybe see her suffer?) and becomes obsessed with realizing her history. The neighbors find every reason to make him feel insignificant...he's too noisy, too weird, too private, too sexual and too mentally unwell. The director posted Rosemary's Baby with a shittier budget and himself in the lead. (We are to presume that some other schmuck directed it). The opportunity for a defamed man's self-reflection is a good opportunity for doctors to psychoanalyze him, wrangle the rest and let the people decide. Are the neighbors driving him nuts or was he already nuts? Why is he dressing like a girl? No, that's the girl that jumped out the window. Yes, he drags out and the film continues to crash into WTF Land as he spills nothing about himself except his obsession with precision ... the soft caresses, the whispers, his crippling distrust of socialization, the corners, the lighting, the orchestration, the genius, the illusion of knowing how a child feels and where the bad place ends. A whore is a child unsaved by him. (He aint smarter than his dick, though.) 23-Apr-2021

Tags: 1970s, Accidental Watch, Cultish, Director Experiment, Fatigue, Gay Swatch, Good Acting, Horror, Mystery, Preposterous, Suspense, Thriller, Timid, Twisty, Weird, Wit Snit, Words Spoke

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23-Apr-2021


Curse Of The Golden Flower, The (2006) Howl

Drop dead gorgeous. That's what I thought at the time I first saw it and its what I affirm now. I devoured and appreciated the crazy amount of artistic work that Zang's imagination and his crew realized. The story was simple and intoxicating. The empress is married to a punishing emperor obsessed with perfection, war and revenge. The empress is mother and stepmother to three boys who are next in line for the crown. Empress is in love with her stepson. He's grown up and doesn't want mama or to be emperor because he's in love with the servant daughter of the doctor that is helping the emperor to secretly poison the empress with enforced medicine. Daddy is back from battle hyped to finish his family war. Traditions are broken, inconsistancy becomes normal, traditions feel like enslavement and people are ready to revolt. Chow Yun-fat knows how to stomp his foot, wield a sword and kill a son. He's intimidating. Gong-Li is that unattainable thing that becomes easy prey once prized and possessed, thrusting her into a vengeful future because she is second in command. She serves gorgeous "Meryl Streep" face.

It's a slow burn to the battle sequences but they are worth it. Action was dressed, mapped and showcased exquisitively and the bloodbath was enervating. Men versus equally matched women with children by their side. Ouch. Amen. 22-Apr-2021

Tags: 2000s, Action, Action Fun, Beautiful, Best In Foreign, Big, Chemistry, Crapfun, Cultural, Daddy Squish, Director's Art, Drama, Elegance, Enthusiastic, Foreign, Good Acting, Heart Writ, Music Swings, Mystery, Political, Relationships, Revenge, Romance, Star Watt, Suspense, Thriller, Tough, Trashy, Twisty, Violent, Wit Crack, Wit Snit, Words Spoke, Writ Tight

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22-Apr-2021




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