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Movies Posts Tagged as 'Predictable'

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Falling For Christmas (2022) Whimper

The good news: LL got her mojo back, the bad news: it's a stinker.

Oops, this is the poster for the sequel. 18-Nov-2022

Tags: 2020s, By the Numbers, Camp, Cliche, Corn, Enthusiastic, Funny, Gay Swatch, Holiday, Manipulation, Music: Disposable Soundtrack, Over the Top, Predictable, Preposterous, Relationships, Romance, Sap, Timid, Wit Crack, Wit Snit, Writ w/Possibilities

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18-Nov-2022


My Policeman (2022) Whimper

A very soft policeman. Harry Styles keeps it monotone and unenthusiastic. He pants oddly during blowjobs and he can't kiss for shit. His "s's" and "t's" were so crisp that I thought his accent was fake. I wanted to shake him. I came in the first few minutes and never got a hardon again. I felt like leaving so many times but felt obligated to stay. We prefer to talk about our olden times instead of setting a better path with a real story from today. We can be honest about the past without it burning us in the present. The laws have changed but we have not. It's 50s Britain, where cops live in Tarduses, aging twinks can become cops, twink cops get picked up by perverts and an innocent girl trashes her entire life so her husband and their bff can enjoy gay sex. Emotions run cold. Everything is so quiet and unassuming that you sometimes believe one of the lovers might be serial. P.S.: gays are only miserable at the end of their lives, all else is just fun. 05-Nov-2022

Tags: 2020s, Bad Chemistry, By the Numbers, Director Slouch, Drama, Gay, Over the Top, Predictable, Relationships, Retread, Tedium, Timid

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05-Nov-2022


Jurassic World: Dominion (2022) Whimper

The dinos are stunning and grandiose, the familiar faces are warm, whatever stole Chris Pratt's mojo ain't giving it back and Bryce Dallas Howard would have stolen the whole shebang had someone written in a Tammy Faye Bakker impression. The movie confirms that in order to save the planet, we must die. (You didn't think we were sacrificing for us or our children, did you?) 11-Oct-2022

Tags: 2020s, Action, Art Devoid, Big, Cold, Daddy Squish, Disappointment, Fatigue, Music Swings, Over the Top, Political Satire, Preachy, Predictable, Preposterous, Repetitive, Sap, SciFi, Silly, Star Watt

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11-Oct-2022


Girl In The Shed (2022) Whimper

By eliminating all references to sex, the film loses its soul and inspiration. Sex is a fact and a trigger. If the creative team can't comply with artistically and forcefully presenting it, it isn't a cautionary tale. We need to talk about the burden god leant us. Over and over. Ben Savage is in kiddie acting mode and gives the monster, no quirks, edges or history. What made this idiot? Abby was an athlete and in top shape. Why didn't she fight more? Why was his violence directed at things he built and not Abby? Masters don't change beating styles. If they hit you on the first date, they will hit you every time esp. if no one can hear you. Erica Durance beautifully played a withering mother and deserves to be in courageous art. According to this film, teen gets kidnapped by craziness because he is lonely, likes her hair, kissed her once over tape and she's weak. They spent the rest of the time bonding. Lots of reading, cooking, getting spoiled, playing board games, sleepovers, hugging but no sex. It sounds like summer camp if you're ugly. There is not much here to make a teen tremble and aware esp. when the imagination can create worst things by hearing the facts on the news. 09-Oct-2022

Tags: 2020s, Accidental Watch, By the Numbers, Chemistry, Cliche, Cold, Director Slouch, Predictable, Preposterous, Star Watt, Timid, Words Spoke

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09-Oct-2022


Thor: Love and Thunder (2022) Whimper

Natalie Portman's linebacker is not the gayest thing about the movie, a bodyless rock pining for another rock is. Are you kidding me? I want to see Thor's beautiful ass fucked by Zeus. 12-Sep-2022

Tags: 2020s, Action, By the Numbers, Camp, Daddy Squish, Director Slouch, Disappointment, Fantasy, Funny, Sort of, Girlie Movie, Lesbian, Manipulation, Over the Top, Predictable, Preposterous, Relationships, Repetitive, Sap, SciFi, Shrill Act, Silly, Star Watt, Timid, Wit Crack, Writer Humiliation

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12-Sep-2022


Parallel Mothers (2021) Arf

When Almodovar embraces Hitchcockian ambience it is sublime but when he attempts a Spielbergian signature it deprives the film of a punch. Two mothers, both strangers share a common thread that conflicts with their lives. Even though the outcome is easy to determine, the presentation is a shivering buildup. Penelope Cruz maintains her hold until Almodovar gives up. Her mother doesn't crumble as the film's psychology implies. She wraps it up without a challenge. The ending is part Schindler's List and part Indiana Jones/Jurassic Park. I welcome a latin Spielberg inspiration with cheeky heroes and dinosaurs but I can't forgive a spanish mother that doesn't wreck. A spanish mother is the T-Rex of emotion. 23-Apr-2022

Tags: 2020s, Chemistry, Daddy Squish, Director's Art, Drama, Foreign: Spanish, Gay Swatch, Good Acting, Music Swings, Mystery, Predictable, Psychological, Relationships, Sentimental, Star Watt, Timid, Wit Snit, Words Spoke, Writ w/Possibilities

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23-Apr-2022


Nightmare Alley (2021) Arf

There are beautiful patches stitched to murder, carnivals and mentalists. AHS killed carnivals and mentalists are bullshit. The film squirts beauty of everything that's interestingly slight. Bradley Cooper's Stanton starts as an Eastwood Quiet Man and evolves into a charming egotistical salesman, like a virus. Don't sleazy salesman jabber all the time? When did he acquire it? He's so damn quiet. There are no spins to copied thoughts. It was a reenactment without approach. Toni Collette was gearing up for more. She gave daddy squish Bradley a deserved bath and finished him off like a gay would. I rewound 5 times then fell asleep. Toni deserved reciprocation. Cate Blanchett is an Eternal unharmed by copper platters. She is gold lame shimmering in every era with Lucille Ball regrets and Faye Dunaway determination. It needed to either move faster or interject some cool things in between. I expected more. 05-Feb-2022

Tags: 2020s, Cold, Daddy Squish, Director Hands Off Approach, Disappointment, Hot Swatch, Inactivity, Predictable, Silly, Slow, Words Spoke, Writ w/Possibilities

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05-Feb-2022


Candyman (2021) No Moons

Non-movie illustration of why "Oscar So White" is still so prevalent. Candyman is stripped of sensual ferocity, opinion and reason. His myth is re-written and implied by puppetry because the talent wasn't inspired to showcase it. The scares couldn't unhinge a cockroach. The deaths are remote with closeup shots of thick red Kool-aid. The violence is hesitant because most black people are petrified of supernatural violence. It scratches the ghetto but refuses to live in it because black people don't want to return there. Whites have gentrified the ghetto and blacks are mad as hell because they weren't given enough time to make their home livable. "Welfare knocked on my door before I had a chance to straighten up." "Bitch, you know white people can't watch good land go to waste." Blacks with dedication and drive enjoy the gentrified lifestyle while critiquing their hosts and avoiding the nasty parts of their neighborhood. This is all supposed to tie in with a confusing Candyman revenge backstory. The candy was uninspired. It should have looked scrumptious and colorful. It looked like granny's recycled Christmas candy. Only fat kids pick that shit up. It wasn't woke enough to have Colman Domingo fuck Candyman. The film required more gays so Candyman could kill the two. Too bad. In what world are there more cops in the neighborhood than community? 31-Jan-2022

Tags: 2020s, Bad Acting, Bad Chemistry, Brutal, Cliche, Coincidence Laden, Dialogue Lament, Director Slouch, Gay Swatch, Horror, Indecipherable, Political, Predictable, Preposterous, Repetitive, Retread, Silly, Tacky, Timid, Writer Weakness

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31-Jan-2022


Last Duel, The (2021) Arf

Wife screams rape by hubby's bestie and rival. A trial and a duel decide their fate. The respect Ridley Scott expresses to the Middle Ages is not supported by Damon, Driver or Affleck. Ben is slimmed into a Prince Joffrey outfit with vocoder voice. Driver is a ready-made Rasputin with no magical powers. Damon lost his confidence and earnestness. The men don't belong. They are wise asses of modernity and circumstance. My X-ray vision caught smirks and college campus antics. Jodie Comer had the unfortunate task of reciprocating to two male lead green screens. Why show love for another when you can keep it to yourself. Ridly Scott has a fascination with effete kings. He should make a film all about them. 21-Jan-2022

Tags: 2020s, Action, Bad Chemistry, Director's Touch, Drama, Gay Swatch, Political Satire, Predictable, Relationships, Revenge, Romance, Star Watt, Timid, Words Spoke

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21-Jan-2022


Wasteland, The (2021) Bites

I can't identify with a child that wakes his parents up so daddy can walk him to the latrine which is terrifyingly one block away. To piss. Why didn't he just piss in any corner of the house except where mama hangs laundry? It debates whether parents should compromise a boy's sensitivity by forcing him to become a man if the times deem it necessary. It's a future where woke people are forced to eat animals named Fluffy to survive. Suicidal grandpa daddy grants himself an early reprieve by getting a conscious in between bouts of "I don't give a shit! and "I want to die!" Daddy did not deserve a vacation. Mother madness is spooky with minimal slaps and torture towards children. She did good with killing animals, though. I didn't understand it. "The monster is made of trees, branches and bad lighting, maybe. You imagined the whole thing. You're just like us. Nuts." The child riled us up but the director couldn't grant us a reason for any of it. 08-Jan-2022

Tags: 2020s, Accidental Watch, Coincidence Laden, Dialogue Lament, Director Hands Off Approach, Disappointment, Drama, False Action, Fatigue, Foreign: Spanish, Horror, Over the Top, Predictable, Preposterous, Relationships, Scare Obvious, Shrill Act, Silly, Stupid Funny, Wit Crack, Writer Weakness

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08-Jan-2022


Don't Look Up (2021) Arf

A comet is heading towards earth, we're all going to die and the writer thought this premise would be hilarious. It isn't. Scientists get embroiled in proving their findings, alerting the public and getting mixed signals from the government. Leo chomps through it like there's a better film in his head. Jennifer's headpiece was of the superhero ilk but her character was plain Jane. Jonah was ready to grand theft the whole shebang but the words were no prize. The President is too glamorized and fussy. You know who would have made a good President? Meryl Streep. The real one, stripped of vanity and silliness. A straight shooter. I did not know it was Cate Blanchett until she let her hair down. Good for her. There are "Network" references, "Melancholia" acknowledgements and Animal Channel clips. The one joke makes it claustrophobic. Character emotions belong in an asylum. Asides are treated as such and have little relevance to the whole. The threat of death is hilarious? Yes, for the suicidal. 24-Dec-2021

Tags: 2020s, Camp, Comedy, Daddy Squish, Drama, Political Satire, Predictable, Shrill Act, Silly, Star Watt, Timid, Weird, Wit Crack

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24-Dec-2021


Queen Bees (2021) Whimper

A "These Old Broads" rip. Parents only know how to parent children. Grandma cannot prove that she is self-sufficient. Family and an accident coerce her into a senior home where conversion therapy for the dying (bffs) and medical staff await. It's a high school for broken bones. The writers applied one word descriptions to their legends. They are characterized as "extreme" (Burstyn), "cranky bitch" (Curtain), "sex kitten" (Ann-Margret), and "why the fuck are you here?" (Devine.) These women have accumulated enough historical fanfare to study and for writers to create great characters. Adding something personal would have reminded us why these ladies are great but instead they minimized them. Ellen Burstyn is a powerhouse, Jane Curtain is a Jane, bitch, Ann-Margret is a tiger and Tina Turner is a legacy. Oh. That wasn't Tina Turner? But she's Ann's friend. Oh. 21-Dec-2021

Tags: 2020s, By the Numbers, Camp, Chemistry, Disappointment, Drama, Fatigue, Gay Swatch, Predictable, Sap, Silly, Star Watt, Timid

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21-Dec-2021


Bruised (2021) Whimper

The film describes a violent female as a failed mother/wife/child whose rage needs to be re-directed towards a profit. A killer that knows when to stop is a champion. They don't fight to save the world but themselves. Halle's fighter is homeless, negative and miserable. She keeps her feelings Eastwood. The boy's tongue was cut because he was either a lousy actor or the audience doesn't need to hear a black boy speak. Hispanics inherit black male stereotypes. Lesbian and mama were ready to sparkle but were given little illumination. It piles cliches without original thinking. I kept hoping she was a secretary with a hot lesbian boss. At least she would have been cute. 28-Nov-2021

Tags: 2020s, By the Numbers, Camp, Cultural, Depressing, Disappointment, Drama, False Action, Fatigue, Gay Swatch, Macho Posing, Predictable, Relationships, Retread, Sap, Silly, Star Watt, Timid, Wit Crack

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28-Nov-2021


Scoob (2020) Arf

Scoob wasted little time visiting memory lane. Shaggy almost lost me when he ate the meat that Scooby dragged across the city's streets. Shaggy's voice doesn't crack enough. Scooby's diction has cleared up and he's become an Avenger. The visits from neighboring toons are a nice touch but are not properly integrated into the Scooby mythology. It's origins taught kids how to unmask the monsters in their lives and fight back. The movie missed that point. They sure were cute, though. 28-Nov-2021

Tags: 2020s, Action, Adorable, Animation, Chemistry, Crapfun, Cute, Director's Touch, Drama, Funny, Sort of, Music: Disposable Soundtrack, Predictable, Preposterous, Sentimental, Sweet, Timid, Wit Crack, Writ w/Possibilities

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28-Nov-2021


Black Widow (2021) Whimper

Frivolous conversations, uninventive action, uninspiring support and bad Russian speak make for a non-movie event. 14-Oct-2021

Tags: 2020s, Action, Bad Acting, Camp, Comic Book, Director Slouch, Drama, Ear Prick, Fantasy, Fatigue, Grating, Macho Posing, Predictable, Preposterous, Silly, Slow, Star Watt, Timid, Unfunny, Writer Humiliation

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14-Oct-2021




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