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Marvels, The (2023) Bites

The film suffers from The Green Lantern and Quantum effect. If the creators wanted to take us to other worlds, the trip needed to be worth it. Skrulls with no power are obsolete. I think they took the green screen too literally. Most of the actors looked like they were talking to the back-heads of stand-ins or more green screens. The ladies became 3 instruments that didn't play well together. Distance was put between them. The glowey thing that Capt. Marvel displays when she's on, reminds one of the Quantum sky. Another action killer was giving the women the same power effect. So we don't distinguish or because it was easier? The big bad could only have gotten better had they cast that crazy lady from the Power Rangers. I thought Dar-Benn was blind for the first few minutes of the film. If she looked down, would her head-piece have fallen off? All the ladies came as they are because hair and makeup were in a rush to return to social media. They looked unkempt and shook. They would never dare look this ratched on the red carpet where fans aren't paying them to create movie magic. Somber heroes zigzagging to nowhere for nobody. I never thought of Monica Rambeau as interesting, I liked Kamala on the smaller screen but... and we all know what Carol Danvers is. The reason I liked female heroines was because they were a break from extremism and added a softer solution to the action and they were beautiful. If women keep denying themselves in order to become men, hugs will be cancelled. They can do anything? Be a girl. Good hair, make-up and dress will fulfill the rest. See: Barbie. Imagine if she was ugly and without sex appeal. No mucho $. Musicland was an in-law family situation humiliation activity. Nobody swags like they care so why bother? Was Frasier the only white man allowed in the building or was he CGId? 07-Feb-2024

Tags: 2020s, Action, Bad Acting, Bad Chemistry, By the Numbers, Camp, Cliche, Cold, Comic Book, Depressing, Dialogue Lament, Director Hands Off Approach, Fantasy, Girlie Movie, Lesbian, Over the Top, Predictable, Repetitive, Sad Effects, Sap, Sequel, Shrill Act, Silly, Stink Wigs, Tacky, Timid, TV-like, Writer Humiliation

Filed under: Movies

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07-Feb-2024


Blue Beetle (2023) Bites

The pace had no time to set-up character appreciation, it had a billion particles to settle. The family dynamic was food, drink, celebration and insanity. George Lopez added comedy schtick to his act. He looked like a character booted from Bedrock because he was too loud and ornery. The breast queen should be playing Lady MacBeth not becoming a free TV actor. I can see her washing blood from her hands and implementing Elvira's cleavage cut. The rest of the family and the leads apply stereotypes without explaining them. There is no such thing as a stereotype because it's only a description of our heritage. Universal speak. Nobody passed the classic TV Q test and the silliness hardly stopped. The best of the mythology turned into a fiesta. The family went everywhere together. Really? When did they masturbate? Why did the family get superpowers? Beetle's nemesis was a bigger and badder version of himself. Couldn't we have gotten something a little different? If the production wanted to fill the female quota, why didn't they concoct some awesome female villains? He has lots and no villain is scarier than a latin woman scorned. She'll slash your tires. 27-Nov-2023

Tags: 2020s, Action, Art Devoid, Bad Acting, Bad Chemistry, Brutal, By the Numbers, Camp, Cliche, Comedy, Cultural, Depressing, Dialogue Lament, Director Slouch, Enthusiastic, Fatigue, Over the Top, Physical Humor, Predictable, Preposterous, Relationships, Repetitive, Revenge, Sap, Shrill Act, Timid, Trashy, TV-like, Vague, Weird

Filed under: Movies

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27-Nov-2023


Sins Of The Mother (1991) Arf

Can a mother take responsibility for her son's incapacity to succeed and his desire to violently hurt women like her? Elizabeth Montgomery plays a respected community buyer that doesn't like anyone sullying her corrupt family name. The son has mother issues. She's abrasive and always disruptive. She thinks that if he listened to her that he would become a responsible man. Her son doesn't know how to act like a man because his mother didn't bestow him many survival skills. Beauty, abeyance, avarice and good manners are the best of the few. She approves of nothing the man does or fucks except when she wants to make out with him. The man's anger issues come with. Elizabeth's mother doesn't click until the end when she stops practicing and becomes. She came in eager like Serena and exited like Elizabeth, the good bitch. Dale Midkiff's son was gifted looks to hide his nuts. He didn't have to fake much. There is good cast support. It jams a lot of information that hampered the complexity of the characters but law and order held. 18-Mar-2023

Tags: 1990s, Camp, Chemistry, Crapfun, Crime Drama, Director Movement, Drama, Elegance, Enthusiastic, Fun, Funny, Political Satire, Psychological, Revenge, Star Watt, TV-like, Wit Crack, Words Spoke, Writ w/Possibilities

Filed under: Movies

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18-Mar-2023


Hush (1998) Whimper

Jessica Lange tortures Gwyneth Paltrow because she can. Unfortunately, not enough to qualify for Mommie Dearest status. The editing is abrasive and the film has the confidence of a TV movie from the 80s. Schaech is a floral centerpiece and the ladies work it but the movie is melodramatic. 10-Mar-2023

Tags: 1990s, Camp, Chemistry, Crapfun, Director Slouch, Drama, Fatigue, Funny, Sort of, Horror Mild, Hot Swatch, Over the Top, Predictable, Relationships, Star Watt, Stupid Funny, Timid, TV-like, Wit Crack, Writ w/Possibilities

Filed under: Movies

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10-Mar-2023


Halloween Ends (2022) Bites

I hope so. Besides the original two, no one has added anything fresh, stimulating or artistic. Michael is psychic now. He can tell when someone's been bad to children, like Santa Claus. They gave Laurie white guilt because she is responsible for unleashing all the serial killers in our community. It felt equivalent to hanging Carroll O'Connor for his amazing portrayal of a bigot. Laurie's feminism got softened. She sets up her granddaughter, that almost got killed by the most famous serial killer ever, with a date that served time for maybe killing a child. Yeah, the kid died. Worst parent ever. Why couldn't they meet on their own without Laurie's instincts being seniled? Absolutely not, you are never leaving this house until that psycho is off the streets! That would have been enough fury to unleash a psycho. Corey's idea of a possible serial killer is smiling like he's auditioning for The Dark Knight: The Joker Reborn. An animated feature. I wished the psychos in my life were that funny. Giving Corey a storyline was a stall tactic because they didn't know how to end it. It's been so long that they forgot the purpose. It mistook the original as schlock entertainment and served it as such. What stood out in the original was the images, hand magic, ideas and symbolism. Awesome music is ingrained, a mask and a scream queen born of Janet Leigh never hurt. Everyone deserved better. 02-Feb-2023

Tags: 2010s, Action, By the Numbers, Camp, Cliche, Coincidence Laden, Cold, Director Slouch, Disappointment, Drama, False Action, Fatigue, Political Satire, Retread, Tedium, Timid, Trashy, TV-like, Vague

Filed under: Movies

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02-Feb-2023


Batman, The (2022) Arf

The Batman is the only character that suits up. How lonely for him. He's always the freak. The support enact realistic iterations of characters that lit up Batman's mythology to absolutely no effect. The Riddler is a demented teen who was brought up by an unfunny father who worked the mines. The riddles were blah. There is no Riddler without a tight body suit, a tight body and demented cynicism. Daddy Farrell wasted a lot of time in makeup, creating art out of a role that doesn't belong. He is not penguin. I didn't see any top hats, monocles or bullet umbrellas. Michelle Pfeiffer's reign as the best film Catwoman cannot be extinguished. Zoe is an everyday gorgeous girl not a cat. Her cowl is just as cheap and unintelligible as I expected. Her lack of meow hurts. Commissioner Gordon was a lackey. Everything was eeeeewww and he was always waiting for Batman to finish things up for him. Daddy Turturro knew exactly what the director wanted and gave it to us. Alfred and Bruce's interaction was rude. The parental bond was cold. Why hire an Aunt Harriet if she's not going to be an Aunt Harriet? That might have been fun. Oops. Sorry. Fun not allowed. The Twins were cute. Robert Pattinson is the glue you want to stick to because he makes you ponder how his beautifully broken humanity can create life from something he hates. I saw love in Zoe's face when she looked at him. I saw panty dropping aloofness register from his. Batman's narration doesn't mesh with toxic revenge. The moments he celebrated were my cringe. This isn't Batman. He doesn't laud himself or others. He's a lonely motherfucker that hates the world because he lost mommy and daddy to crime and got stuck in a mansion with a pervy butler. Batman's detective work failed from a lack of gadget magic. Yeah! Rich angry fucks love gadgets. Matt Reeves strikes potent pictures but was entrapped by a franchise that is petrified of its origins. The man/woman who gives us comic book Batman with realistic choices will become King of The World. What's the point of hiding in the shadows if everyone can hear you? 18-Apr-2022

Tags: 2020s, Action, Cliche, Comic Book, Director Movement, Gay Swatch, Mystery, Psychological, Sentimental, Star Watt, Thriller, Too Long, TV-like, Weird, Wit Crack, Words Spoke

Filed under: Movies

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18-Apr-2022


Cinderella (2021) ArfUpgrade

A talented cast is assembled to remake a classic remade too many times with bigger bluster. A downfall of blockbusters but not of little films. They can sneak in some truth without being punished. It's a parody that attempts to bring circumstances, thoughts and decisions to the shenanigans. Idina has grade A moments in song and in soul sharing. Billy brought his showmanship. The prince passed the "inferno" test with a flip and a voice. We waited for Minnie Driver to awake and when it happens, it is fitting. 007 hits his marks like a gunslinger. Cabello looks like a waitress from different eras in all of her guises but she can sing, act, charm and have fun. I had fun. It belongs to a future cult. 13-Feb-2022

Tags: 2020s, Accidental Watch, Camp, Chemistry, Comedy, Cultish, Cute, Daddy Squish, Director Movement, Director's Touch, Drama, Enthusiastic, Fantasy, Fun, Funny, Gay Swatch, Good Acting, Hoofer's Delight, Music Swings, Musical, Political Satire, Pretty, Remake, Romance, Silly, Star Watt, TV-like, Wit Snit, Words Spoke, Writ Thoughtful, Writ Tight

Filed under: Movies

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13-Feb-2022


He's All That (201) Whimper

Pleasant nothingness of youth. 06-Oct-2021

Tags: 2020s, Accidental Watch, Chemistry, Coincidence Laden, Comedy, Corn, Drama, Gay Swatch, Hot Swatch, Relationships, Retread, Romance, Timid, TV-like, Twinkie

Filed under: Movies

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06-Oct-2021


Our Miss Brooks (1956) Arf

Miss Brooks is a respected English teacher who's moved to a new town for a progressive opportunity. Competitiveness at work is minimal as she plays well with boys, stimulates her students and knocks sense into obstinate parents. She has a desperate need to settle down which is not characteristic of a woman that's acquired equality. She's good at everything. She has the cutest landlady, a rich daddy, a working daddy, a great job, the esteem of the community and she's smart. The film has sitcom sensibilities and a pleasant Desilu alumni. Gale Gordon was a pratfall master that endured a lot of physical punishment to make us laugh. I laughed. Eve Arden was a master wit. She told it like it was and lived it. She was an act of freedom. 05-Sep-2021

Tags: 1950s, Chemistry, Comedy, Crapfun, Daddy Squish, Drama, Funny, Good Acting, Predictable, Relationships, Romance, Star Watt, Stupid Funny, TV-like, Wit Crack, Wit Snit, Words Spoke, Writ Thoughtful, Writ w/Possibilities

Filed under: Movies

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05-Sep-2021


Wonder Woman 1984 (2020) Bites

Patty Jenkins went on a shopping spree with the film's budget. Did she leave most of it home? It opens with baby Diana discovering clever ways to somersault at the White Female Olympics. She's unbearable, I mean unbeatable even as a child. Cue applause and adoration. There should have been a lot of irony in a woman raised to best everyone, even in goodness. Years of not belonging in the world would have brought her detachment from it. She wouldn't fall apart over Steve Trevor and she definitely wouldn't pine for him for over a 100 years. Compassion is a side effect of a movement. Coldness is a statistic of war. Everything you hate about the movies is in this one. The older maidens are given minimal time. (They didn't study their accents, again.) Cheetah might have been intriguing as a black character with white superiority issues. Yes, make it a race thing. Pedro Pascal left his guts on the floor while Ms. Jenkins took a nap. Steve's explanation for existing in the future was best established on the 70s TV series. Future Steve could have been the great grandson of dead Steve. Incestuous hook-ups and emotional consequences. It would have been a great place to establish personal turmoil. Gadot needed to wear some of the tear in Wonder Woman's battle history to find her strength because it ain't crying.

Patty Jenkins killed Wonder Woman. 14-May-2021

Tags: 2020s, Action, Art Devoid, Brutal, Camp, Comic Book, Corn, Dialogue Lament, Director Experiment, Drama, False Action, Fantasy, Fatigue, Funny, Sort of, Inactivity, Over the Top, Political, Preachy, Predictable, Preposterous, Relationships, Repetitive, Romance, Silly, Slow, Star Watt, Stupid Funny, Tacky, Timid, Trashy, TV-like, Unenthusiastic, Weird, Writer Humiliation

Filed under: Movies

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14-May-2021


Rebecca (2020) Whimper

Lilly James never grows into the character of Mrs. De Winter, married to a beautiful giant with the power of entitlement and a haunted past. She's a bumbler who goes head to head with a stern HOH named Mrs. Danvers whose the only person in charge. Kristin Scott Thomas sinks her teeth into a classic character that was a delightful fright but whose persona has been abbreviated to a devoted staff member. The best manipulations are designated to other characters which kills Mrs. Danvers psychosis and grants Thomas no fun. The story has been fidgeted, the lush is unimpressive, the style is non-existent, James is not the woman for the job and Hammer is a pretty package with no clue as to how to play a rich gorgeous dick. I would have preferred to see Rebecca's story play out. Mrs. Danvers could have pined for her mistress while Rebecca crushed men's spirits. Missed opportunity for some classic lesbian fun and threesomes with the Hammer. 23-Oct-2020

Tags: 2020s, Bad Chemistry, By the Numbers, Daddy Squish, Director Slouch, Fatigue, Hot Swatch, Mystery, Predictable, Repetitive, Romance, Silly, Stink Wigs, Timid, TV-like

Filed under: Movies

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23-Oct-2020


Knives Out (2019) Arf

Whodunnits don't need explanation. A fresh appeal for a chess match. Everything with Plummer spun magnificently but Craig jacked Spacey's southern flourish with little success. The support were ready but remained pawns in a game. They didn't flesh out. The unraveling was dry and predictable but the mystery qualified. 08-Mar-2020

Tags: 2010s, Bad Acting, Camp, Comedy, Conspiracy Theory, Director's Touch, Drama, Enthusiastic, Fatigue, Good Acting, Grating, Inspired, Mean Spirited, Mystery, Oncer, Political Satire, Predictable, Silly, Star Watt, Tedium, Timid, TV-like, Twisty, Wit Snit, Words Spoke, Writ w/Possibilities

Filed under: Movies

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08-Mar-2020


Beyond The Door (1974) Bites

Trying to recreate the horror of The Exorcist on a scaled budget and via a disorderly presentation. The soul music was vibing but out of place. The shocks consisted of kids swearing, getting buckled and mama make outs. Juliet Mills succeeded wiping out sweet "Nanny and the Professor" memories and replacing them with disturbing ones. It had some effective scares that would have triggered had they been taken seriously. 29-Jan-2020

Tags: 1970s, Art Devoid, Brutal, Camp, Ear Prick, Fatigue, Funny, Horror, Music Swings, Oncer, Over the Top, Preposterous, Silly, Star Watt, Tacky, TV-like, Weird, Writ w/Possibilities

Filed under: Movies

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29-Jan-2020


Invaders From Mars (1986) Bites

Tobe and company add too much silliness to the story, the aliens look like ugly toys you get for free at a drive-thru and the only alien needed was underutilized (Louise Fletcher.) She knows scary. 31-Dec-2019

Tags: 1980s, Art Devoid, Bad Acting, Bad Chemistry, Brutal, By the Numbers, Camp, Conspiracy Theory, Daddy Squish, Disappointment, Drama, Ear Prick, Fatigue, Over the Top, Political Satire, Predictable, Remake, Repetitive, Shrill Act, Silly, Star Watt, Tacky, Timid, TV-like, Weird

Filed under: Movies

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31-Dec-2019


Marriage Story (2019) Arf

I miss the glamour of Hollywood. It's a dead art because we think that celebrating beauty diminishes the underwhelming. A film is a dream. When I dream, I want to go to heaven. I don't want to dream about Martha down the street with her torn robe, washing dishes. Everything is a little bigger and a lot more perfect. We have professionals who can transport us to a shinier world that we might want to emulate. It's a waste of superbeings! I'd watch no classic movie ever if the creators hadn't turned fabulous into an art. We know it's fake, they're not portraying crack addicts and drab sucks. 09-Dec-2019
It celebrates the act of divorce like it's a novelty few of us have experienced. Driver and Johanssen rip through an earsplitting script that offers little insight, poetry or pizzaz. The Gods and Goddesses come down to earth to portray us with little celestial beauty to trim the boredom. Laura Dern knows. 09-Dec-2019

Tags: 2010s, By the Numbers, Comedy, Daddy Squish, Drama, Fatigue, Good Acting, Hot Swatch, Repetitive, Star Watt, Tedium, Timid, TV-like, Unfunny, Writer Humiliation

Filed under: Movies

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09-Dec-2019




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