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Batman, The (2022) Arf

The Batman is the only character that suits up. How lonely for him. He's always the freak. The support enact realistic iterations of characters that lit up Batman's mythology to absolutely no effect. The Riddler is a demented teen who was brought up by an unfunny father who worked the mines. The riddles were blah. There is no Riddler without a tight body suit, a tight body and demented cynicism. Daddy Farrell wasted a lot of time in makeup, creating art out of a role that doesn't belong. He is not penguin. I didn't see any top hats, monocles or bullet umbrellas. Michelle Pfeiffer's reign as the best film Catwoman cannot be extinguished. Zoe is an everyday gorgeous girl not a cat. Her cowl is just as cheap and unintelligible as I expected. Her lack of meow hurts. Commissioner Gordon was a lackey. Everything was eeeeewww and he was always waiting for Batman to finish things up for him. Daddy Turturro knew exactly what the director wanted and gave it to us. Alfred and Bruce's interaction was rude. The parental bond was cold. Why hire an Aunt Harriet if she's not going to be an Aunt Harriet? That might have been fun. Oops. Sorry. Fun not allowed. The Twins were cute. Robert Pattinson is the glue you want to stick to because he makes you ponder how his beautifully broken humanity can create life from something he hates. I saw love in Zoe's face when she looked at him. I saw panty dropping aloofness register from his. Batman's narration doesn't mesh with toxic revenge. The moments he celebrated were my cringe. This isn't Batman. He doesn't laud himself or others. He's a lonely motherfucker that hates the world because he lost mommy and daddy to crime and got stuck in a mansion with a pervy butler. Batman's detective work failed from a lack of gadget magic. Yeah! Rich angry fucks love gadgets. Matt Reeves strikes potent pictures but was entrapped by a franchise that is petrified of its origins. The man/woman who gives us comic book Batman with realistic choices will become King of The World. What's the point of hiding in the shadows if everyone can hear you? 18-Apr-2022

Tags: 2020s, Action, Cliche, Comic Book, Director Movement, Gay Swatch, Mystery, Psychological, Sentimental, Star Watt, Thriller, Too Long, TV-like, Weird, Wit Crack, Words Spoke



Cinderella (2021) ArfUpgrade

A talented cast is assembled to remake a classic remade too many times with bigger bluster. A downfall of blockbusters but not of little films. They can sneak in some truth without being punished. It's a parody that attempts to bring circumstances, thoughts and decisions to the shenanigans. Idina has grade A moments in song and in soul sharing. Billy brought his showmanship. The prince passed the "inferno" test with a flip and a voice. We waited for Minnie Driver to awake and when it happens, it is fitting. 007 hits his marks like a gunslinger. Cabello looks like a waitress from different eras in all of her guises but she can sing, act, charm and have fun. I had fun. It belongs to a future cult. 13-Feb-2022

Tags: 2020s, Accidental Watch, Camp, Chemistry, Comedy, Cultish, Cute, Daddy Squish, Director Movement, Director's Touch, Drama, Enthusiastic, Fantasy, Fun, Funny, Gay Swatch, Good Acting, Hoofer's Delight, Music Swings, Musical, Political Satire, Pretty, Remake, Romance, Silly, Star Watt, TV-like, Wit Snit, Words Spoke, Writ Thoughtful, Writ Tight



He's All That (201) Whimper

Pleasant nothingness of youth. 06-Oct-2021

Tags: 2020s, Accidental Watch, Chemistry, Coincidence Laden, Comedy, Corn, Drama, Gay Swatch, Hot Swatch, Relationships, Retread, Romance, Timid, TV-like, Twinkie



Our Miss Brooks (1956) Arf

Miss Brooks is a respected English teacher who's moved to a new town for a progressive opportunity. Competitiveness at work is minimal as she plays well with boys, stimulates her students and knocks sense into obstinate parents. She has a desperate need to settle down which is not characteristic of a woman that's acquired equality. She's good at everything. She has the cutest landlady, a rich daddy, a working daddy, a great job, the esteem of the community and she's smart. The film has sitcom sensibilities and a pleasant Desilu alumni. Gale Gordon was a pratfall master that endured a lot of physical punishment to make us laugh. I laughed. Eve Arden was a master wit. She told it like it was and lived it. She was an act of freedom. 05-Sep-2021

Tags: 1950s, Chemistry, Comedy, Crapfun, Daddy Squish, Drama, Funny, Good Acting, Predictable, Relationships, Romance, Star Watt, Stupid Funny, TV-like, Wit Crack, Wit Snit, Words Spoke, Writ Thoughtful, Writ w/Possibilities



Wonder Woman 1984 (2020) Bites

Patty Jenkins went on a shopping spree with the film's budget. Did she leave most of it home? It opens with baby Diana discovering clever ways to somersault at the White Female Olympics. She's unbearable, I mean unbeatable even as a child. Cue applause and adoration. There should have been a lot of irony in a woman raised to best everyone, even in goodness. Years of not belonging in the world would have brought her detachment from it. She wouldn't fall apart over Steve Trevor and she definitely wouldn't pine for him for over a 100 years. Compassion is a side effect of a movement. Coldness is a statistic of war. Everything you hate about the movies is in this one. The older maidens are given minimal time. (They didn't study their accents, again.) Cheetah might have been intriguing as a black character with white superiority issues. Yes, make it a race thing. Pedro Pascal left his guts on the floor while Ms. Jenkins took a nap. Steve's explanation for existing in the future was best established on the 70s TV series. Future Steve could have been the great grandson of dead Steve. Incestuous hook-ups and emotional consequences. It would have been a great place to establish personal turmoil. Gadot needed to wear some of the tear in Wonder Woman's battle history to find her strength because it ain't crying.

Patty Jenkins killed Wonder Woman. 14-May-2021

Tags: 2020s, Action, Art Devoid, Brutal, Camp, Comic Book, Corn, Dialogue Lament, Director Experiment, Drama, False Action, Fantasy, Fatigue, Funny, Sort of, Inactivity, Over the Top, Political, Preachy, Predictable, Preposterous, Relationships, Repetitive, Romance, Silly, Slow, Star Watt, Stupid Funny, Tacky, Timid, Trashy, TV-like, Unenthusiastic, Weird, Writer Humiliation



Rebecca (2020) Whimper

Lilly James never grows into the character of Mrs. De Winter, married to a beautiful giant with the power of entitlement and a haunted past. She's a bumbler who goes head to head with a stern HOH named Mrs. Danvers whose the only person in charge. Kristin Scott Thomas sinks her teeth into a classic character that was a delightful fright but whose persona has been abbreviated to a devoted staff member. The best manipulations are designated to other characters which kills Mrs. Danvers psychosis and grants Thomas no fun. The story has been fidgeted, the lush is unimpressive, the style is non-existent, James is not the woman for the job and Hammer is a pretty package with no clue as to how to play a rich gorgeous dick. I would have preferred to see Rebecca's story play out. Mrs. Danvers could have pined for her mistress while Rebecca crushed men's spirits. Missed opportunity for some classic lesbian fun and threesomes with the Hammer. 23-Oct-2020

Tags: 2020s, Bad Chemistry, By the Numbers, Daddy Squish, Director Slouch, Fatigue, Hot Swatch, Mystery, Predictable, Repetitive, Romance, Silly, Stink Wigs, Timid, TV-like



Knives Out (2019) Arf

Whodunnits don't need explanation. A fresh appeal for a chess match. Everything with Plummer spun magnificently but Craig jacked Spacey's southern flourish with little success. The support were ready but remained pawns in a game. They didn't flesh out. The unraveling was dry and predictable but the mystery qualified. 08-Mar-2020

Tags: 2010s, Bad Acting, Camp, Comedy, Conspiracy Theory, Director's Touch, Drama, Enthusiastic, Fatigue, Good Acting, Grating, Inspired, Mean Spirited, Mystery, Oncer, Political Satire, Predictable, Silly, Star Watt, Tedium, Timid, TV-like, Twisty, Wit Snit, Words Spoke, Writ w/Possibilities



Beyond The Door (1974) Bites

Trying to recreate the horror of The Exorcist on a scaled budget and via a disorderly presentation. The soul music was vibing but out of place. The shocks consisted of kids swearing, getting buckled and mama make outs. Juliet Mills succeeded wiping out sweet "Nanny and the Professor" memories and replacing them with disturbing ones. It had some effective scares that would have triggered had they been taken seriously. 29-Jan-2020

Tags: 1970s, Art Devoid, Brutal, Camp, Ear Prick, Fatigue, Funny, Horror, Music Swings, Oncer, Over the Top, Preposterous, Silly, Star Watt, Tacky, TV-like, Weird, Writ w/Possibilities



Invaders From Mars (1986) Bites

Tobe and company add too much silliness to the story, the aliens look like ugly toys you get for free at a drive-thru and the only alien needed was underutilized (Louise Fletcher.) She knows scary. 31-Dec-2019

Tags: 1980s, Art Devoid, Bad Acting, Bad Chemistry, Brutal, By the Numbers, Camp, Conspiracy Theory, Daddy Squish, Disappointment, Drama, Ear Prick, Fatigue, Over the Top, Political Satire, Predictable, Remake, Repetitive, Shrill Act, Silly, Star Watt, Tacky, Timid, TV-like, Weird



Marriage Story (2019) Arf

I miss the glamour of Hollywood. It's a dead art because we think that celebrating beauty diminishes the underwhelming. A film is a dream. When I dream, I want to go to heaven. I don't want to dream about Martha down the street with her torn robe, washing dishes. Everything is a little bigger and a lot more perfect. We have professionals who can transport us to a shinier world that we might want to emulate. It's a waste of superbeings! I'd watch no classic movie ever if the creators hadn't turned fabulous into an art. We know it's fake, they're not portraying crack addicts and drab sucks. 09-Dec-2019
It celebrates the act of divorce like it's a novelty few of us have experienced. Driver and Johanssen rip through an earsplitting script that offers little insight, poetry or pizzaz. The Gods and Goddesses come down to earth to portray us with little celestial beauty to trim the boredom. Laura Dern knows. 09-Dec-2019

Tags: 2010s, By the Numbers, Comedy, Daddy Squish, Drama, Fatigue, Good Acting, Hot Swatch, Repetitive, Star Watt, Tedium, Timid, TV-like, Unfunny, Writer Humiliation



Supergirl (1984) No MoonsEarly Exit

It thought Three Stooges hilarity could save it. Helen Slater, her costume and her hair legitimizes it and Bochner doesn't hurt but everything else is bargain basement. I quit it because I didn't feel like falling asleep for a third time. Nobody cared. 12-Oct-2019

Tags: 1980s, Action, Art Devoid, Bad Acting, Bad Chemistry, Brutal, Camp, Comic Book, Daddy Squish, Director Slouch, Ear Prick, Early Exit, False Action, Fatigue, Hot Swatch, Manipulation, Oncer, Over the Top, Predictable, Preposterous, Repetitive, Sad Effects, Shrill Act, Silly, Star Watt, Tacky, Tedium, Timid, TV-like, Unfunny, Writer Humiliation



Stitch! The Movie (2003) Whimper

The formula quickly evaporates.The title elicits the only excitement. 29-Jun-2019

Tags: 2000s, Accidental Watch, Action, By the Numbers, Comedy, Conspiracy Theory, Drama, Fantasy, Fatigue, Funny, Sort of, Gay Swatch, Oncer, Repetitive, Shrill Act, Silly, Timid, TV-like



Halloween (2018) No Moons

Devoid of purpose, study and reverence. The psychology of Laurie Strode was as an empowered victim that elicited strength from catastrophic violence. She's not Sarah Connor and she wouldn't burden a child with her horrid mythology. The holiday wasn't nostalgic and the nods to Hitchcock (who's that?) were extinct. Hallmark movies concoct bigger frights. 08-Feb-2019

Tags: 2010s, Art Devoid, Bad Chemistry, Brutal, By the Numbers, Cold, Conspiracy Theory, Corn, Disappointment, Drama, Eye Gouge, False Action, Fatigue, Horror, Inactivity, Music Murders, Over the Top, Preposterous, Sad, Silly, Tacky, Timid, TV-like, Ugly Art, Unenthusiastic, Weird



Don't Sleep (2017) Bites

The irony of the title is that it took me 6 tries to complete because it kept knocking me out. There's pretty boy enthusiasm in front of the camera but behind, they couldn't scare a bird. 11-Dec-2018

Tags: 2010s, By the Numbers, Daddy Squish, False Action, Fatigue, Horror, Hot Swatch, Oncer, Over the Top, Preposterous, Silly, Star Watt, Tacky, Tedium, Timid, TV-like, Twinkie, Unenthusiastic, Weird, Writer Humiliation



All Eyes On Me (2017) Bites

I don't understand the sanctification. Only reality befits his truth. He was a musician with a thug problem. 29-Nov-2018

Tags: 2010s, Art Devoid, By the Numbers, Camp, Conspiracy Theory, Corn, Drama, False Action, Fantasy, Fatigue, Inappropriate, Macho Posing, Manipulation, Oncer, Over the Top, Preposterous, Sap, Shrill Act, Timid, TV-like



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