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Movies Posts Tagged as 'By the Numbers'

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New Mutants, The (2020) Bites

Caged mutants. It stifles their capabilities and our enjoyment. I want to see them conquer the world that is familiar to us. It takes cues from the Freddy Krueger series, ho humming along and invading the lab rats' nightmares. Big Bad is stale and the action needed some throwback. Misplaced hair is my pet peeve. There's loads of it. The lesbians elicited some heart, Sunspot singed some hard-ons and the rest needed something to believe. So did we. 03-Feb-2021

Tags: 2020s, Action, Art Devoid, Brutal, By the Numbers, Camp, Comic Book, Crapfun, Director Hands Off Approach, Drama, Funny, Sort of, Gay Swatch, Hot Swatch, Inactivity, Oncer, Predictable, Preposterous, SciFi, Sentimental, Shrill Act, Silly, Slow, Stupid Funny, Weird, Wit Crack

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03-Feb-2021


Star Wars: The Phantom Menace (1999) Whimper

I went retro and revisited some films that weren't to my liking. If it weren't for Lucas magic this film would be one of the worst. The child. Poor thing. No training, no soul. I would have skipped to the Superboy years one second after the awesome pod race. Liam Neeson didn't seem taken by the force. The words meant nothing to him. It was a job. MacGregor's head moved stiffly and he looked like he cracked up before and after many line readings. Jar Jar Binks was created by party people with no exceeding limits. I watched him drunk and still found him annoying. Natalie Portman must have looked blankly at countless fake CGI things because she applied it to humans as well. The voice she inflected was cockamamie and infectious. Yoda isn't as cute as The Child. At all. Blathering old idiot. Robes don't flow in saber fights and future love relations are not impactful if one babysat the other. The director worked beyond the force. The fans publicly cheered while quietly sighing. Darth Maul was a pocket. It makes a good game but not a good film. 02-Feb-2021

Tags: 1990s, Action, Bad Acting, Bad Chemistry, By the Numbers, Depressing, Dialogue Lament, Director Experiment, Director Insanity, Director's Slice, Drama, Enthusiastic, Fantasy, Funny, Sort of, Grating, Kool Effects, Music Swings, Over the Top, Sap, SciFi, Shrill Act, Silly, Stupid Funny, Suspense, Tedium, Timid, Weird

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02-Feb-2021


Mulan (2020) Arf

It's so hellbent on announcing what it is before it becomes that it fails. 29-Jan-2021

Tags: 2020s, Action, Action Fun, Art Devoid, By the Numbers, Daddy Squish, Director Slouch, Disappointment, Drama, Fatigue, Hot Swatch, Musical Bombast, Silly, Timid, War

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29-Jan-2021


Fantasy Island (2020) Bites

Michael Pena is not a suave sexy latin charmer. I thought he was going to play Tattoo, running around in a baby cart yelling "the plane, the plane." Maggie Q exuded the elegance of a legend but had no chemistry with her token black family. Lucy Hale, sporting a disconcerting schnauzer cut was too much. It was a total disrespect of a shitty show that entertained. 12-Jan-2021

Tags: 2020s, Accidental Watch, Art Devoid, Bad Acting, Bad Chemistry, By the Numbers, Camp, Conspiracy Theory, Dialogue Lament, Director Hands Off Approach, False Action, Fatigue, Grating, Manipulation, Predictable, Preposterous, Scare Obvious, Shrill Act, Silly, Stupid Funny, Tacky

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12-Jan-2021


Hand Of Death (1962) Bites

A scientist thinks he's developed a nerve gas that immobilizes instead of kill. With the support of his love establishment and business connections, he is granted money and freedom to keep his experimentation thriving. But weary scientists have accidents. The gas fumes turn him into an Unfantastical Thing. The coincidences are comical, the scares don't stir a tree but Paula Raymond is a fantabulous scream. 01-Jan-2021

Tags: 1960s, Accidental Watch, Bad Acting, By the Numbers, Camp, Conspiracy Theory, Daddy Squish, Director Insanity, Fantasy, Funny, Horror, Preposterous, SciFi, Shrill Act, Tacky, Weird, Writ w/Possibilities

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01-Jan-2021


We Can Be Heroes (2020) Bites

It's a kid's film. There are kids in it. It looks like candy. It's stupid. You mean brilliant stupid? No I mean silly stupid. 29-Dec-2020

Tags: 2020s, Accidental Watch, Action, Art Devoid, Baby Wrecks, Bad Acting, Bad Chemistry, Brutal, By the Numbers, Camp, Coincidence Laden, Comedy, Conspiracy Theory, Corn, Daddy Squish, Dialogue Lament, Director Insanity, Drama, Enthusiastic, Fatigue, Grating, Over the Top, Political Satire, Preposterous, Revenge, Sad Effects, SciFi, Shrill Act, Silly, Timid, Unenthusiastic, Weird, Writ w/Possibilities

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29-Dec-2020


A Cinderella Christmas (2016) Whimper

Romance is a concept. Love is that universal fantasy that can fix anything and achieve nothing. This film is an instructional manual on how an alpha can easily capture his sucker mate. It works for the sluts too. It's a fake luxury liner. Cinderella gains a selfish cousin and loses two step-sisters and an evil step-mother. She is now raised by an unconscious uncle whose stupidity is explained as a parental failure. The prince is a ginormous hairy butted banging bottom whose perfection was created from Jesus spit and is a representation of why women and twinks do video splits. If you can't recognize a person beyond a face mask you're full of shit. He expounds worship daddy constantly, celebrating the quantity of women beluga he's chipped. A Scooby Doo member is the fairy godmother, the men act like its an NFL recruitment session and the women compete to the death to get that middle cheerleading spot. The howls of orgasmic virgins drown out the Christmas bells and kill any sign of Christmas cheer. They want us to horn in but the prince's tights aren't tight enough. 29-Nov-2020

Tags: 2010s, Accidental Watch, By the Numbers, Comedy, Daddy Squish, Drama, Fatigue, Funny, Gay Swatch, Holiday, Hot Swatch, Music Swings, Preachy, Predictable, Preposterous, Relationships, Repetitive, Romance, Sexist, Shrill Act, Silly, Stupid Funny, Tech Grunts, Wit Crack

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29-Nov-2020


Smurfs: The Lost Village (2017) Bites

Surprise. Eliminating Hank Azaria as Gargamel does not make a Smurf franchise better. Besides being objectified, gangbanged and being a procreator, Smurfette is confused about her purpose. She goes on an unenviable adventure to find herself amid little care from the audience. The best stories do not have big bang adventures. They stay close to home so we can empathize with them. Girl Smurf explores and becomes at Lesbian Forest but returns to Smurf Village for the bangs. Sounds about right. 09-Nov-2020

Tags: 2010s, Accidental Watch, Action Stomper, Brutal, By the Numbers, Camp, Corn, Dialogue Lament, Director Slouch, Fantasy, Fatigue, Manipulation, Mean Spirited, Over the Top, Preposterous, Tacky, Vague, Weird

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09-Nov-2020


Rebecca (2020) Whimper

Lilly James never grows into the character of Mrs. De Winter, married to a beautiful giant with the power of entitlement and a haunted past. She's a bumbler who goes head to head with a stern HOH named Mrs. Danvers whose the only person in charge. Kristin Scott Thomas sinks her teeth into a classic character that was a delightful fright but whose persona has been abbreviated to a devoted staff member. The best manipulations are designated to other characters which kills Mrs. Danvers psychosis and grants Thomas no fun. The story has been fidgeted, the lush is unimpressive, the style is non-existent, James is not the woman for the job and Hammer is a pretty package with no clue as to how to play a rich gorgeous dick. I would have preferred to see Rebecca's story play out. Mrs. Danvers could have pined for her mistress while Rebecca crushed men's spirits. Missed opportunity for some classic lesbian fun and threesomes with the Hammer. 23-Oct-2020

Tags: 2020s, Bad Chemistry, By the Numbers, Daddy Squish, Director Slouch, Fatigue, Hot Swatch, Mystery, Predictable, Repetitive, Romance, Silly, Stink Wigs, Timid, TV-like

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23-Oct-2020


Wolves At The Door (2016) Whimper

The desecration of humanity is unforgiving. In order to conceptualize fact based savagery onto film you have to be a little nuts. The film goes where Tarantino's wouldn't and exploits it. It doesn't feel like the 60s, the ladies never heard of the 60s, the boys are drunks, stoners and stoopids and the killers remained shadowed like Halloween supervillains. Giving an evil character personality does not grant them humanity. It gives us a clue who to run away from. Make it up and make it real. I was a fan of Sharon Tate and I felt her tragedy. When I read "that" book, I experienced haunts and nightmares, forever. How could people be so inhumane? If the writer brings up the question, he and the director need to answer it. If you're going to make it, let your balls hang real low so the audience can cut them. The crew has regular mental health issues but no psychosis or artistry. It's Lifetime violence with '40s flair. The opener sizzled only because nobody makes Miss Jane look stoopid. 19-Sep-2020

Tags: 2010s, Art Devoid, By the Numbers, Cold, Director Slouch, Drama, False Action, Fatigue, Horror, Relationships, Scare Obvious, Silly, Tacky, Timid

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19-Sep-2020


Beyond White Space (2018) Whimper

The inclination to watch was always interrupted by its gaming inspired poster. It looked like something you would play not watch. Obviously, it's description and my boredom tuned us in.

After decimating earth the next boost for humanity is to fuck up space. Away we go with pirates, thieves, anarchists, loveless, lawless and hopeless. Fun fact: I did not know space had crabs and no gays. The monsters are CGI identified on a two sided coin. The dialogue is full of those chemicals we don't want on our meat, the actors eating corn would have had the same effect and the director/editor stumbled by premeditating everything about to occur. The action sequences are as inspired as a preview before a game that never starts. 28-Aug-2020

Tags: Accidental Watch, Action, Art Devoid, Bad Chemistry, By the Numbers, Camp, Comic Book, Crapfun, Daddy Squish, Dialogue Lament, Drama, Fatigue, Hot Swatch, Predictable, Preposterous, Sap, SciFi, Tacky, Timid, Vague

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28-Aug-2020


Fullmetal Alchemist (2018) Whimper

A boy and his brother surrender parts of themselves while trying to resurrect their mother through alchemy. A journey ensues to find a philosopher's stone that will return their bodies and relax their souls. The animated series was a dark tragedy with kiddie undertones, celebrating science and magic shows, stupendous mutants with biblical powers, military strategies and coos, cliffhangers and curves while pulling the heartstrings. The introduction is action best, the characters and the costumes click the memory banks but its empathy blubber is unforgivable. 26-Aug-2020

Tags: 2010s, By the Numbers, Camp, Fatigue, Foreign, Inactivity, Music Murders, Musical Bombast, Predictable, Relationships, Repetitive, Sap, Tedium, Timid, Writ w/Possibilities, Writer Humiliation

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26-Aug-2020


Terminator: Dark Fate (2019) Whimper

Runny episode in the Terminator franchise. There is no verve in watching women do what they never do in real life. ("If I see another Karen dropkick another neighbor, I'll lose my shit.") It has all the ingredients of the best ones with none of its simmer, smarts or pot of humor. Young Arnold impressed but his Terminator mythology was destroyed. The cute brother should have played the Terminator. Sarah Connor is a show off. It talks, it fights, it conquers...story continued on Jane The Virgin. 21-Aug-2020

Tags: 2010s, Action, Bad Chemistry, By the Numbers, Camp, Daddy Squish, Director Slouch, Drama, Ear Prick, False Action, Indecipherable, Macho Posing, Manipulation, Over the Top, Political, Predictable, Preposterous, Repetitive, Sap, SciFi, Shrill Act, Star Watt, Tedium, Timid, Writer Humiliation

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21-Aug-2020


Liar, Liar (1997) Woof

Jim Carrey is the stupid king. There are moments when you just want him to stop and take a breather and he does but it starts up again and you give in because it's a freedom a lot of us lack. To be stupid. The plot is really a set-up for Jim, the score reminded me of crappy summers, the kid was too cute, daddy positions were frivolous but the meister was at his cutest and most stupidest. Funny! 12-Aug-2020

Tags: 1990s, Adorable, By the Numbers, Camp, Chemistry, Comedy, Daddy Squish, Director Insanity, Drama, Enthusiastic, Funny, Grating, Hot Swatch, Over the Top, Physical Humor, Predictable, Preposterous, Relationships, Sap, Star Watt, Stupid Funny, Sweet, Wit Crack, Wit Snit, Words Spoke

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12-Aug-2020


What Keeps You Alive (2018) Whimper

Brittany Allen has a face you follow especially when great material meets her. Psychopathic danger presented for lesbians and personifying all women. Talking it out before every kill and expressing feelings that don't make sense has returned to cinema. The film flashes to the threat so quickly that its fallback is to drag and repeat. The director didn't shake the camera for bumps and the cutter had no guts. I admired the video twist and the cruel kill. I return to Allen because when all other characters drained, it was her face that maintained me. 11-Aug-2020

Tags: 2010s, Action, By the Numbers, Camp, Crime Drama, Dialogue Lament, Director Slouch, Drama, False Action, Fatigue, Gay Swatch, Horror, Lesbian, Over the Top, Predictable, Preposterous, Relationships, Repetitive, Revenge, Silly, Star Watt, Suspense, Timid, Writ w/Possibilities

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11-Aug-2020




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