All Posts Tagged as 'Advice'
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LGBT charity tells young people to ‘hit pause’ on coming out while in lockdown with parents
The Albert Kennedy Trust (AKT), a charity that cares for the LGBT+ homeless, has warned young people to “think hard” before coming out at this time.
The advice comes as LGBT+ helplines see a surge in calls from people who are stuck self-isolating with abusive family and partners.
“If you’re a young person and you’re thinking of coming out, press pause on that until you get support,” Tim Sigsworth, AKT’s CEO, told Sky News.
He expressed concern for how families may react to their child coming out in this particularly stressful time, and warned of the dangers of being made homeless during the pandemic.
Coronavirus pandemic a perfect storm for LGBTQ homeless youth
I’m Having a Lifesaving Affair, but Social Distancing Is Keeping Us Apart
Dear How to Do It,
I’m having a wonderful affair with a man. We’re both married, but we’re careful and responsible—it’s what we both need to survive in our marriages, and it’s what’s best for both of us. (Without saying too much, in our situation, divorce would destroy our big, happy, extended immigrant families. I’m not looking for judgment on that.)
The problem is social distancing because of the coronavirus. Our spouses and kids are now both home full time, and getting away to see each other has been impossible. I’m miserable without the sex and companionship, and so is the man I’m seeing. At one point, he suggested meeting in our cars by the grocery store. I obviously declined. Then today, he called me and said to go to my window and waved to me from his car (we live about two neighborhoods apart). I was moved by the gesture, but it worried me. I feel like I am on the verge of doing something risky, and all this time with my husband, who is a kind man, is making me want to lash out and tell him I don’t love him.
What can I do to keep my head on straight here? I would be cast out of my family if this came out, but this whole situation is making me feel out of control.
—Swelter in Place
Teacher and ‘LGBT ally’ loves her boyfriend but is ‘hesitant’ to buy a house with him because he ‘hates gay people’
The woman from Illinois wrote to the Santa Rosa’s Press Gazette’s ‘Dear Abby’ column to explain her dilemma.
She said she had previously been in an abusive relationship, but broke it off 14 years ago and stayed single to raise her “small son to adulthood”.
She finally found someone she had “strong feelings” for, and who felt the same about her, around seven months ago.
The woman wrote: “My feelings for my boyfriend are strong, and it’s mutual. He is giving, kind, caring, hardworking and protective. We are very much in love.
Retired primate of Nigeria says UK is trying to ‘adulterate’ the Bible with same-sex marriage
My Partner Offered a Certain Sex Act to Do the Taxes—Then Backed Out
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a procrastinator; my partner is a do-it-yesterday-er. Earlier this year, I was kvetching about doing my taxes. My partner, by way of motivation, said “Get ‘em done and I’ll blow you.” Because my partner is very Good at That, I got to work immediately, but was held up by some missing paperwork. Flash forward to now, and the missing form is in hand. Pleased with myself for filing, I mentioned to my partner that I’d be taking that BJ at their next earliest convenience. They scoffed and told me I can’t expect an IRS EZBJ 2+ months after the fact. I call breach of contract! We’ve agreed to abide by your ruling, so what say you? (P.S.: There’s plenty of non-IRS oral going around both ways here, but I want my refund!)
—Depth and Taxes
My Son Wants to Move His Family Across the Country so I Can Be Day Care
Dear Care and Feeding,
We have two adorable grandchildren, 4 and 6, on the other side of the country. Their parents, our son and daughter-in-law, are struggling with debt and living in a one-bedroom apartment. The financial problems are related to their own bad decisions and to serious medical problems, which are mostly resolved but may recur. Our son works remotely, but he needs to be at work, not caring for high-energy rambunctious kids who get very loud and excited playing video games or watching TV. Our daughter-in-law just got a job that involves a lot of overnight travel.
They have decided that the way to get ahead financially is to give up their apartment and move in with us for three months this summer. They would save on rent and child care. At first we were thrilled. We have plenty of room to put the four of them up. But then we faced the reality that they are counting on us for day care. We are both in our 70s and excited about being retired and finally doing the things we couldn’t do when we were both working full time and raising children. We also get overwhelmed after a few days of nonstop child care (which they have counted on us for in the past so they could escape). Putting the kids in day care for nine weeks, which assumes we would take them full time for one week a month, would cost them over $5,000, on top of the cost of storage and moving the four of them and the dog across country. I think they would save about $6,000 in rent over three months. At first I wanted to lay out the math and tell them to rethink their assumptions about free day care.
But we have savings we could use to pay all or part of their day care over the summer (which would still leave us the recommended cushion but little more). We would treasure the time with the children. But part of me thinks we should just let them figure things out. I am sorely conflicted.
—Is This a Good Idea?
My Date Blocked Me After We Had Sex. I’m Afraid It Was Assault.
Dear How to Do It,
A few months ago, I went on a date with a guy I met online. He was really sweet overall, but I didn’t find myself very romantically attracted to him, and I was also put off by some comments he made about some other members of the LGBTQ community (we’re both cis gay men). He continued to bring up the possibility of a relationship between us, however, and I equivocated on it because I wasn’t wholly against a relationship but wasn’t head over heels for him.
We got food and watched the sunset, and eventually we wound up making out, and I proposed we have sex. He said yes, but quickly withdrew and began talking about some of his past sexual trauma. I immediately stopped everything and asked if he was all right, and he said yes and that he wanted to continue. I asked if he was sure, and he said yes, and then we engaged in mutual masturbation and mutual oral sex in his car. It was good, though not the best sex of my life, and we both came in the end.
On the way back to my apartment, he asked again about having a relationship and if I only agreed to the date in order to hook up. I said I didn’t want to immediately go into anything, but that I’d be open to more dates and getting to know him better, and that my motivation to go on this date was more than just hooking up. He said OK, and we parted ways. I wake up the next morning to find he’s blocked me across every form of communication that we had each other on.
I’m really worried that something went wrong, and that I sexually assaulted him or generally engaged in sexual misconduct, but didn’t realize in the moment or somehow subconsciously denied to myself that he wasn’t consenting to what we did. It truly did seem to me like he was willing to do what we did, and that I communicated I did not want to have any sexual contact with him that he didn’t agree to. I’ve been wanting to reach out to him through Instagram (I have an account he didn’t know about) to try and understand what happened, but I don’t want to annoy, retraumatize, or hurt him. What should I do?
My Wife Wants Us to Have Sex With Her Brother
Dear How to Do It,
My wife and I have been in an open marriage for five years. On the whole, our relationship has been uncommonly open and supportive; we both strive to encourage one another to explore, and even playfully push the limits, romantically and sexually.
For as long as I have known her, my wife has been interested in “incest” role play. While it isn’t my cup of tea exactly, I have been willing and happy to support her in her exploration of this kind of fantasy and role-play. Often, she will have me dress up as her father, wear his cologne, etc., while she will wear her “high school” clothes.
Recently, though, things have started to move in an uncomfortable direction for me. My wife is very close with her older brother, who is also bi, and with whom we often speak very openly about sex and sexuality. A few nights ago, and after a few drinks, my wife got to talking fairly explicitly about some of the “family” role-playing that she and I are into, and her brother—who I thought would be kinda horrified—was not only entirely supportive, but vaguely expressed interest in exploring this kink with us. When we got home, I expected my wife to make it clear that her brother ever joining us in the bedroom was entirely off the table, but instead she seemed to think it was a really good idea. In principle I don’t have a problem with the idea. While, like I said, I am not that into the “incest” element of my wife’s (and, I guess, her brother’s) fantasy, I am happy to play along if it makes her (and him) happy. My wife and I have also enjoyed group sex, and so that isn’t the problem either. I guess at bottom, I am just worried about how this could affect my relationship with my brother-in-law. Is there a way for me to make this happen, without it getting weird?
No Gifts, Please!
Am I a jerk to boycott presents at kid birthday parties?
Our 5-year-old daughter gets invited to so many birthday parties. It started out as just good friends, but now in pre-K, she’s invited to all of her classmates’ parties.
Over the past few years, we’ve gone through some financial struggles and also receive too much stuff from family, so I made a rule to not give (or ask for) gifts. For birthdays, we host big parties because they’re fun, but we always explicitly request no presents. This year, we had some new attendees (classmates) whose parents we had never met and insisted on bringing something. One mom pushed for things my daughter likes, so I suggested art supplies (crayons are cheap! We’ll use them!). Instead she came with what looked like $25-plus worth of gifts!
Recently I attended a friend’s son’s party and, per my rule, didn’t bring a gift. The birthday boy asked, “Where’s the gift you brought?” and I said, “Well, we didn’t bring one.” He asked why not. I felt like such a jerk—I don’t want to have a threshold of how well we know a kid to get them a gift, and I don’t want to give everyone terrible, cheapie gifts (they should be thoughtful if anything!). I don’t have the time or money to be giving gifts to all kids! Am I being a jerk for not bringing gifts at all? Is a handmade card enough?
—We All Have Enough Crap
6 ways to talk to your sons about porn, according to a parenting expert
Today, it's clearer than ever that parents should be talking to their children, not just about sex, but about consent, as Harvey Weinstein's trial plays out in the wake of #MeToo.
According to Peggy Orenstein, a journalist and author of "Girls & Sex" and the newly-released "Boys & Sex," that conversation has to involve porn.
Erotica has existed for most of recorded history, but with the internet it took on a new life. Porn really kicked off in 2007 when most paywalls preventing easy access to sexual content were eliminated. It means porn is often the first reference point children and teens have for what sex should look like, shaping their idea of what they should do when they have sex.
And while most children see some form of porn before they turn 18, Orenstein says this is a particularly important conversation for young boys.
"We have done a much better job grooming girls to resist some of these messages or at least critique them than we have with boys," Orenstein told Insider.
It's important for parents to familiarize themselves with porn, its benefits, and its problems before talking to their sons. Looking at easily-accessible sights like Pornhub and Redtube will be key if parents want to get a grasp on what their children could possibly stumble upon when they get sexually curious.
Should I Tell My Wife I’m Desperate to Have Sex With Another Man?
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a 31-year-old bi man married to a bi woman. I knew I wasn’t straight for most of my life but have only had sex with one guy, an ostensibly straight friend in high school, and it was a secret on/off thing that involved a lot of cheating and eventually blew up our friendship and several others. In part because of guilt and shame related to that, I didn’t come out until my mid/late 20s, after an incident in which I drunkenly kissed one of my then-girlfriend’s gay male friends at a party. But my girlfriend and I stayed together, I got sober, we got married, and now we have a strong monogamous relationship with a mutually satisfying sex life. The problem is, I can’t seem to shake the desire to have sex with a guy again, both because I’m attracted to guys and because I regret that my only experience thus far was as a closeted, denial-ridden teen.
My wife came out in her early 20s and has had more dating or sexual experience with other women, and she has been very supportive in letting me know that if I want to have sex with a guy, she’s in favor but would prefer to be involved in some way. I don’t know how to make a threesome with us and another guy who’s into both of us happen, and I’m worried that I will jeopardize our relationship if I tell her I want to try pursuing sex with another guy on my own. We’ve talked about the possibility of having an open relationship, but neither of us have any experience with it, and I’m scared of the idea that it might unbalance our dynamic in some way if I pursue other partners when she (as she’s told me) isn’t particularly interested in that right now. I’m also scared of the possibility of going down the rabbit hole and becoming a sex addict, since I’m already in recovery for drugs and alcohol, but that’s another issue.
As of now, I’m dealing with this desire by mostly jerking off to gay porn, which my wife knows about and is cool with. But I’m worried that it won’t be enough in the long run. I recognize that my own fear and shame related to my queerness is a major factor here, and I talk about that in therapy, but why am I still having such a tough time admitting what I want? Is it better to risk pursuing it than to keep trying to repress it, as I’ve been doing for so long? Would I be a more selfish partner for asking for permission to explore this, or am I being considerate in holding back?
"I'm 51 and gay, but I can't come out": callers opens up to James O'Brien
This is the powerful moment a caller came out as gay to James O'Brien and opened up about why he can't tell anyone else.
This Morning presenter Phillip Schofield, who has been married for almost 27 years and has two grown up daughters, has announced that he is gay.
James' caller Joe found the story "amazing" and felt compelled to call in because he is gay and feels unable to tell anyone.
"I've turned to drugs," said Joe, "I'm 50 years old and I turned to drugs 12 months ago."
"Because the stress of keeping it secret was too much for you?" asked James, and Joe confirmed that he at times has felt suicidal having to hide the truth after realising he was gay at 12.
How You Can Support Your Child’s Mental Well-Being
In recent years, society is becoming more and more aware of mental health concerns, but the state of children's mental health in the UK is still extremely alarming.
In fact, 1 in 10 under the age of 18 suffer from a mental health problem in the UK, and 7 in 10 of the children with a diagnosed mental health condition haven’t received intervention early enough. This results in mental health declining whilst waiting for treatment that may be readily available for adults.
Emotional well-being is just as important as physical health in children. Not only does good mental health allow them to cope with life in general, but also gives them confidence in themselves as they transition into adulthood.
At Smart TMS, they treat severe mental health problems with their TMS technology, but there are a number of simple actions that can be taken to help safeguard your children early and create a safe, supportive environment. So, how do we ensure that our kids stay mentally well?
Dads' Moods May Have a Huge Effect on Their Kids' Language Development, Study Suggests
What To Know Before You Try Double Penetration
If you’ve ever browsed a porn site, odds are you’ve seen at least one double penetration video. This position typically involves a cis woman being penetrated by two partners at the same time — one vaginally and one anally. Pornhub confirms to Refinery29 that the double penetration category is the 34th most popular out of over 100 categories on site, and interest has grown 4% since last year.
Double penetration videos are also particularly well-liked by women — in fact, they’re 89% more popular among women viewers than they are among men. The 35- to 44-year-old set is especially fond of them. And, interestingly, viewers in Wyoming, Rhode Island, and West Virginia are most likely to be fans.
I Can’t Stop Cheating On My Wife
I’m a man in my mid-30s with a beautiful wife. We’ve been married for 15 years and had a great kid very early on in our relationship. We both have great careers, nice friends, a very kinky and active sex life. Others generally look at us with admiration and envy. My problem is that I became a serial cheater around eight years ago. I analyzed quite a lot why I feel the need to cheat (sex with my wife is definitely better than with other women) and think that I like the challenge of “conquering” and later the romantic aspects of it. My affairs usually last a few months. I’m also very open with my relationship status (and my unwillingness to change it) to my affair partners. I even developed great friendships with two last affair partners, and the whole experience has generally been extremely enriching and positive for me.
I never fell in love with another woman, and I want to stay with my wife forever, but I can’t seem, and also don’t want, to stop seeing other women. My job involves a lot of travel, so it’s easy to get away with cheating without arousing suspicion. In the beginning I didn’t really think too hard about it, but going forward I want to be “square and fair.” My wife doesn’t have the slightest idea of my cheating and would obviously be devastated if she found out.
A year or so ago I started talking about opening up our relationship as a way to slowly “legalize” my behavior. While she isn’t totally against the idea, it’s more something she can imagine in a distant future and in a very controlled setting. I reckon that the romantic aspects and durations of my affairs would be serious no-gos for her. While the easy answer would be “stop before you blow up your perfect life,” I feel like I’m not really able to. What are your thoughts?
—Can’t Stop Won’t Stop
The safety tips every LGBT+ person should act on before they travel
LGBT+ people love to travel but many of us don’t know how to stay safe and avoid problems.
Here is the travel safety advice you need for trips all around the world.
Whether you are a lesbian, gay or bi single or couple, an LGBT+ family, or a trans, intersex or non-binary person, there are particular tips that can help you.
Countries that criminalize gay sex
Currently 70 countries criminalize homosexuality. But those that do vary wildly.
About a third only technically criminalise sex between men. The remainder make same-sex acts between all genders illegal.
Some enforce the law, others ignore it. In most, the penalty is jail. In a handful it is a beating or the death penalty.
Notably, the letter of the law is often less important than police and social attitudes. For example, even where lesbian sex is technically legal, female couples may still face harassment.