Health/Food Posts Tagged as 'Advice'
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My Wife Wants Us to Have Sex With Her Brother
Dear How to Do It,
My wife and I have been in an open marriage for five years. On the whole, our relationship has been uncommonly open and supportive; we both strive to encourage one another to explore, and even playfully push the limits, romantically and sexually.
For as long as I have known her, my wife has been interested in “incest” role play. While it isn’t my cup of tea exactly, I have been willing and happy to support her in her exploration of this kind of fantasy and role-play. Often, she will have me dress up as her father, wear his cologne, etc., while she will wear her “high school” clothes.
Recently, though, things have started to move in an uncomfortable direction for me. My wife is very close with her older brother, who is also bi, and with whom we often speak very openly about sex and sexuality. A few nights ago, and after a few drinks, my wife got to talking fairly explicitly about some of the “family” role-playing that she and I are into, and her brother—who I thought would be kinda horrified—was not only entirely supportive, but vaguely expressed interest in exploring this kink with us. When we got home, I expected my wife to make it clear that her brother ever joining us in the bedroom was entirely off the table, but instead she seemed to think it was a really good idea. In principle I don’t have a problem with the idea. While, like I said, I am not that into the “incest” element of my wife’s (and, I guess, her brother’s) fantasy, I am happy to play along if it makes her (and him) happy. My wife and I have also enjoyed group sex, and so that isn’t the problem either. I guess at bottom, I am just worried about how this could affect my relationship with my brother-in-law. Is there a way for me to make this happen, without it getting weird?
No Gifts, Please!
Am I a jerk to boycott presents at kid birthday parties?
Our 5-year-old daughter gets invited to so many birthday parties. It started out as just good friends, but now in pre-K, she’s invited to all of her classmates’ parties.
Over the past few years, we’ve gone through some financial struggles and also receive too much stuff from family, so I made a rule to not give (or ask for) gifts. For birthdays, we host big parties because they’re fun, but we always explicitly request no presents. This year, we had some new attendees (classmates) whose parents we had never met and insisted on bringing something. One mom pushed for things my daughter likes, so I suggested art supplies (crayons are cheap! We’ll use them!). Instead she came with what looked like $25-plus worth of gifts!
Recently I attended a friend’s son’s party and, per my rule, didn’t bring a gift. The birthday boy asked, “Where’s the gift you brought?” and I said, “Well, we didn’t bring one.” He asked why not. I felt like such a jerk—I don’t want to have a threshold of how well we know a kid to get them a gift, and I don’t want to give everyone terrible, cheapie gifts (they should be thoughtful if anything!). I don’t have the time or money to be giving gifts to all kids! Am I being a jerk for not bringing gifts at all? Is a handmade card enough?
—We All Have Enough Crap
6 ways to talk to your sons about porn, according to a parenting expert
Today, it's clearer than ever that parents should be talking to their children, not just about sex, but about consent, as Harvey Weinstein's trial plays out in the wake of #MeToo.
According to Peggy Orenstein, a journalist and author of "Girls & Sex" and the newly-released "Boys & Sex," that conversation has to involve porn.
Erotica has existed for most of recorded history, but with the internet it took on a new life. Porn really kicked off in 2007 when most paywalls preventing easy access to sexual content were eliminated. It means porn is often the first reference point children and teens have for what sex should look like, shaping their idea of what they should do when they have sex.
And while most children see some form of porn before they turn 18, Orenstein says this is a particularly important conversation for young boys.
"We have done a much better job grooming girls to resist some of these messages or at least critique them than we have with boys," Orenstein told Insider.
It's important for parents to familiarize themselves with porn, its benefits, and its problems before talking to their sons. Looking at easily-accessible sights like Pornhub and Redtube will be key if parents want to get a grasp on what their children could possibly stumble upon when they get sexually curious.
Should I Tell My Wife I’m Desperate to Have Sex With Another Man?
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a 31-year-old bi man married to a bi woman. I knew I wasn’t straight for most of my life but have only had sex with one guy, an ostensibly straight friend in high school, and it was a secret on/off thing that involved a lot of cheating and eventually blew up our friendship and several others. In part because of guilt and shame related to that, I didn’t come out until my mid/late 20s, after an incident in which I drunkenly kissed one of my then-girlfriend’s gay male friends at a party. But my girlfriend and I stayed together, I got sober, we got married, and now we have a strong monogamous relationship with a mutually satisfying sex life. The problem is, I can’t seem to shake the desire to have sex with a guy again, both because I’m attracted to guys and because I regret that my only experience thus far was as a closeted, denial-ridden teen.
My wife came out in her early 20s and has had more dating or sexual experience with other women, and she has been very supportive in letting me know that if I want to have sex with a guy, she’s in favor but would prefer to be involved in some way. I don’t know how to make a threesome with us and another guy who’s into both of us happen, and I’m worried that I will jeopardize our relationship if I tell her I want to try pursuing sex with another guy on my own. We’ve talked about the possibility of having an open relationship, but neither of us have any experience with it, and I’m scared of the idea that it might unbalance our dynamic in some way if I pursue other partners when she (as she’s told me) isn’t particularly interested in that right now. I’m also scared of the possibility of going down the rabbit hole and becoming a sex addict, since I’m already in recovery for drugs and alcohol, but that’s another issue.
As of now, I’m dealing with this desire by mostly jerking off to gay porn, which my wife knows about and is cool with. But I’m worried that it won’t be enough in the long run. I recognize that my own fear and shame related to my queerness is a major factor here, and I talk about that in therapy, but why am I still having such a tough time admitting what I want? Is it better to risk pursuing it than to keep trying to repress it, as I’ve been doing for so long? Would I be a more selfish partner for asking for permission to explore this, or am I being considerate in holding back?
How You Can Support Your Child’s Mental Well-Being
In recent years, society is becoming more and more aware of mental health concerns, but the state of children's mental health in the UK is still extremely alarming.
In fact, 1 in 10 under the age of 18 suffer from a mental health problem in the UK, and 7 in 10 of the children with a diagnosed mental health condition haven’t received intervention early enough. This results in mental health declining whilst waiting for treatment that may be readily available for adults.
Emotional well-being is just as important as physical health in children. Not only does good mental health allow them to cope with life in general, but also gives them confidence in themselves as they transition into adulthood.
At Smart TMS, they treat severe mental health problems with their TMS technology, but there are a number of simple actions that can be taken to help safeguard your children early and create a safe, supportive environment. So, how do we ensure that our kids stay mentally well?
Dads' Moods May Have a Huge Effect on Their Kids' Language Development, Study Suggests
What To Know Before You Try Double Penetration
If you’ve ever browsed a porn site, odds are you’ve seen at least one double penetration video. This position typically involves a cis woman being penetrated by two partners at the same time — one vaginally and one anally. Pornhub confirms to Refinery29 that the double penetration category is the 34th most popular out of over 100 categories on site, and interest has grown 4% since last year.
Double penetration videos are also particularly well-liked by women — in fact, they’re 89% more popular among women viewers than they are among men. The 35- to 44-year-old set is especially fond of them. And, interestingly, viewers in Wyoming, Rhode Island, and West Virginia are most likely to be fans.
I Can’t Stop Cheating On My Wife
I’m a man in my mid-30s with a beautiful wife. We’ve been married for 15 years and had a great kid very early on in our relationship. We both have great careers, nice friends, a very kinky and active sex life. Others generally look at us with admiration and envy. My problem is that I became a serial cheater around eight years ago. I analyzed quite a lot why I feel the need to cheat (sex with my wife is definitely better than with other women) and think that I like the challenge of “conquering” and later the romantic aspects of it. My affairs usually last a few months. I’m also very open with my relationship status (and my unwillingness to change it) to my affair partners. I even developed great friendships with two last affair partners, and the whole experience has generally been extremely enriching and positive for me.
I never fell in love with another woman, and I want to stay with my wife forever, but I can’t seem, and also don’t want, to stop seeing other women. My job involves a lot of travel, so it’s easy to get away with cheating without arousing suspicion. In the beginning I didn’t really think too hard about it, but going forward I want to be “square and fair.” My wife doesn’t have the slightest idea of my cheating and would obviously be devastated if she found out.
A year or so ago I started talking about opening up our relationship as a way to slowly “legalize” my behavior. While she isn’t totally against the idea, it’s more something she can imagine in a distant future and in a very controlled setting. I reckon that the romantic aspects and durations of my affairs would be serious no-gos for her. While the easy answer would be “stop before you blow up your perfect life,” I feel like I’m not really able to. What are your thoughts?
—Can’t Stop Won’t Stop
The safety tips every LGBT+ person should act on before they travel
LGBT+ people love to travel but many of us don’t know how to stay safe and avoid problems.
Here is the travel safety advice you need for trips all around the world.
Whether you are a lesbian, gay or bi single or couple, an LGBT+ family, or a trans, intersex or non-binary person, there are particular tips that can help you.
Countries that criminalize gay sex
Currently 70 countries criminalize homosexuality. But those that do vary wildly.
About a third only technically criminalise sex between men. The remainder make same-sex acts between all genders illegal.
Some enforce the law, others ignore it. In most, the penalty is jail. In a handful it is a beating or the death penalty.
Notably, the letter of the law is often less important than police and social attitudes. For example, even where lesbian sex is technically legal, female couples may still face harassment.
I Live With Six Brothers. I Have Sex With Two of Them. It’s Fine, They Know.
Dear How to Do It,
I (a man) live in a large house along with six brothers, all adults and close to each other in age, two of whom I am having sex with. I am naturally much closer to them than the other four. “Yarin” and “Ferdinand” are both fully aware that I have sex with both of them. With the exception of occasional flares of jealousy on Ferdinand’s part (based in insecurity; we’re working on it), it seems to suit all of us very well. The house we share the rent for is large enough that I’m sure the other four brothers don’t know about the sex.
The problem is that I don’t know what to call this arrangement, even to myself. I’m often uncomfortably aware of just how unconventional it really is. When with one or both of them in public, I don’t know how to answer when people ask what Yarin and/or Ferdinand are to me. Yarin usually answers that we’re friends, which I don’t mind. Ferdinand has brazenly answered that I am his boyfriend whom he shares with his brother, which I DO mind. That part isn’t anyone’s business! Ferdinand is somewhat hurt by this, as he is openly affectionate with me in public and expects reciprocation, but I’m a quiet person, while there are Mardi Gras parades more reserved than Ferdinand. My sex life is absolutely not the business of random strangers. Should I follow Yarin’s lead and just say we’re friends? And can I tell Ferdinand to cool it in public?
I’m Against Catholic Teachings
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I have a fantastic toddler and live in a large city, where we’re looking into private school options. We have whittled our options down to two. Both institutions are amazing places with fantastic, warm, loving staff and parents/guardians/students. One is Catholic, the other is Quaker. We’re trying to decide between the two schools and would love your guidance.
The Catholic school is academically rigorous, has great class sizes, is a Blue Ribbon school, and is a block from where my husband works in case of a midday school emergency. However—and I say this as a product of the parochial school system myself—it promotes Catholic perspectives on premarital sex, homosexuality, abortion, and other beliefs that we don’t subscribe to. The Quaker school, on the other hand, has a progressive curriculum, is designed around project-based learning, does not get homework-heavy until grade 5, and promotes core values that are in alignment with how we are raising our daughter.
The Quaker school’s curriculum—and general vibe—will help our kid develop into a critical thinker and a compassionate contributor to the world. HOWEVER, it is considerably more expensive (it would require some sacrifice on our part), and it would add another hour to our already hectic morning commute. In other words, it will make life more difficult on a day-to-day basis. Since our child will get an excellent education at either place, how do we pick between daily quality of life for us and the values system to which our child will be exposed?
—Waiting for an Answer From the Spirit
I Had an Orgasm During a Professional Massage With a Man. Should I Tell My Husband?
Dear How to Do It,
I recently orgasmed during a typical massage at a massage therapy chain. It happened during a thigh massage, but no boundaries were crossed. I am married and monogamous, and I get massages for stress relief, although I prefer male therapists both for the hand strength and the added titillation. I wasn’t seeking anything in my sex life—our sex life is good—but the orgasm made me wonder how I can incorporate that experience in our sex life. I don’t want to tell my husband what happened, but I want him to do it to me.
—On the Table
Help! Is There a Nice Way to Tell My Husband He’s Racist?
Q. An ugly view I didn’t see before: I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years. He’s a great husband and has always seemed like a compassionate and open-minded person. In the last year or two, however, I’ve been having to call him out on racist language and attitudes. At first it was in the car. He usually drives, and if someone cuts him off or does something he doesn’t like, his language is almost always racist—they’re a “f—ing N-word” or a “f—ing Asian.” Despite my calling him out on it every time, he has gradually gotten bolder about expressing racist attitudes that never surfaced early in our relationship. Today he proudly told how he had joked to a waitress during lunch with the guys, “When you said merry Christmas, you left out my buddy here. He celebrates Kwanzaa, har-de-har-har!” I was horrified that he had made a racist joke in public and told him so. He didn’t see it that way, and we had a terrible argument. I got pretty upset, and I called him a racist. I don’t want to mirror his name-calling, and that only escalated the argument. He insists he is “really not a racist,” but these incidents are giving me an ugly view of him I didn’t see before. I believe he is a good person and is capable of changing this behavior. Can you give me some guidance on language I can use to help him do some self-reflection?
My Husband Is Very, Very Bad in Bed
Yes, I am in marriage counseling—but our marriage counselor is uncomfortable talking about sex. He’s great with helping us communicate better, but he just does not cover that area of things. Yes, I know there is such a thing as a sex counselor, and no, my insurance doesn’t cover any that I’ve been able to find. Yes, I’ve tried to teach my husband where my clitoris is. We’ve been married for five years, and he cannot be dissuaded from thinking it’s my urethra, which, ow. Yes, I’ve tried teaching my husband to touch me gently, but anytime he tries, it’s not only NOT my clitoris, but it’s also way too rough. He will not learn.
My question is whether all men are like this—because in my dating life, they all were—or whether it’s worth it to try to have an affair. For me, sex has always been all risk and no reward. I have become deeply cynical in this area. But there is a little tiny sprig of hope that makes me wonder: What if there is a reward to be had? What if some straight men are interested in the clitoris and understand how to operate it? What if I can have an orgasm with someone else before I die? That reward would be worth the risk.
WHY ‘NO’ IS THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT WORD WHEN IT COMES TO DEALING WITH ANXIETY
When it comes to quelling anxiety, ideas for different strategies abound; there are books, balms, blankets, and beyond. But according to Kristen Bell, an advocate for mental-health realness, one of the best, simplest, and most effective ways to self-soothe just requires two small letters. In her keynote speech at last week’s Mindbody Bold Conference, Bell shared that the power of saying no more often has been a saving grace to her as she navigates the struggles with anxiety and depression.
“I realized that my codependency was so crippling that I couldn’t say no to people,” she said. “So what I’ve been doing this month is practicing saying no to people in a very kind way.” But that certain doesn’t mean prioritizing boundaries and becoming a no person is an easy thing to do, especially for those who struggle with anxiety.
Well and Good
Should I Intervene With a Kid Who Says He Is Depressed?
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 11-year-old son has been friends with “Paul” for more than two years. During that time, Paul has been suspended from school multiple times for his language (he drops the F-bomb constantly, has called his teacher the B-word, etc.) and disruptive behavior. He’s known to deliver very colorful commentary on how he sees the world, shouting out some particularly interesting bits at times. Nevertheless, Paul is a smart and sensitive kid, and I am rooting for him. We all are.
The reason I’m writing is because Paul recently told my son that he sneaks and drinks his mother’s vodka when he’s feeling depressed, which is “most of the time,” in his words. He has mentioned those feelings before, and I’m also aware that telling tall tales is part of his swagger. For the most part, we take them in stride, but the combination of the alleged drinking and depression made me pause. I’m honestly not sure if Paul is just trying to look cool or if he’s trying to ask for help.
My plan, which I shared with my son, is to wait and see if Paul ever talks to me about these issues, and to then talk to a grown-up who has some oversight in his life, i.e., the school principal or his teacher. I wonder if I’m doing enough or if I should do more, though I’m not even sure what that would entail, as a conversation with his parents seems impossible—they are not at all approachable. Am I just sticking my nose in where it doesn’t belong? Your thoughts are appreciated.
—All Eyes on Paul