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Health/Food Posts Tagged as 'Advice'

Welcome to Errattic! We encourage you to customize the type of information you see here by clicking the Preferences link on the top of this page.

 

I’m only 36, and I keep having the same problem with men in bed. 

 

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a 36-year-old single straight woman, and I really didn’t think this was going to be an issue until later in life. I’m a very sexual person (just reading about sex in your column is enough to turn me on) and I’d like to get married one day, but for the past few years, I haven’t even been able to manage halfway decent sex, much less great sex or a relationship. The problem I keep experiencing in the dating world is the same: men with all kinds of erection issues.

The most recent guy could get hard but would lose it after a few thrusts, saying sex doesn’t do it for him these days (he preferred mutual masturbation or blow jobs). Guy No. 2 was good in bed but refused any touching outside of that 20 minutes. Guy No. 3 required 20 minutes of me going down on his flaccid penis before possibly getting hard enough to have intercourse for three minutes (most of the time, he wouldn’t get hard at all). Guy No. 4 hadn’t had sex in years so he’d either come in 30 seconds or he’d stick it in and barely move so he could last five minutes (I could have worked with him sexually, but we broke up for other reasons). Guy No. 5 completely ignored his problem, continuing to thrust even after I told him he was soft (I suspect he had a porn addiction).

The list goes on. I’ve barely had any good sex in the past six years. I don’t know what to do. These guys are all my age or younger. I try to be patient and understanding, asking if there’s something they’d like me to do or offering up a menu of things they might like, but most just shrug awkwardly and avoid talking about it. None of them sound like they’ve made any effort to get help. I get that it can be embarrassing and men might feel ashamed, but these guys keep cropping up in my dating pool. I can orgasm on my own, but I crave and miss sex, and I know I wouldn’t be happy in a relationship without it. So I’m stuck in a lonely, sexually frustrated land and I can’t get out. Any suggestions?

—Elusive Wood

I’m only 36, and I keep having the same problem with men in bed.

Tags: Advice, Anxiety, Dating, Effect, Environment, Evolution, Fear, Health, Intimacy, Men, Mental Health, Performance, Satisfaction, Sex, Women

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22-Sep-2020


Am I a “Karen”? 

 

Dear Prudence,

I come from a state where people are generally kind and not very confrontational. I’ve also lived in cities where people are far more gruff and are very boisterous when they think someone is trying to take advantage of them. Because of this, I’ve developed a much thicker skin than most people back home. I’ve been confronting people not wearing their masks correctly in stores (masks are mandatory in my city). It stresses me out so much and has me wondering if I’m being a “Karen.” I ask to speak to managers and write strongly worded letters somewhat frequently. It got to the point recently where I realized I act like the world owes me. I’ve never yelled at a manager over store policy, but I’ve always tried to “get stuff” when things haven’t gone my way. I don’t want to be like this, but I can’t shake the very negative feelings I’ve developed when I feel like I’ve been taken advantage of. I saw so many other people letting people know when they made the smallest mistake. Sometimes people seemed genuinely sorry for what they did or were a bit oblivious. Sometimes they got really hostile. Should I always be trying to make sure that people correct their mistakes, or should I let small things go? Is it a Karen move to always ask people to correct their mistakes?

—Always Disgusted in Tunbridge Wells

Am I a “Karen”?

Tags: Advice, Enforcement, Environment, Fear, Hostility, Judgment, Psychology, Reaction, Society, Symptoms, Women In Charge

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19-Sep-2020


How Do I Tell My Curvy Wife About My Secret Desire for a Thin Woman?

 

Dear How to Do It,

My wife and I have been married 14 years and together for 17. We have a pretty strong relationship after a period of stagnation. With raising kids, both of our careers, and all the activities, we found ourselves drained. We have in the last few years refocused on us and our desires and our sex life, intimacy, and our togetherness has grown and reignited.

In this time, my wife has expressed her desire for a kinkier sex life. She kept it to herself all those years (thank you, religion!), her desire for light BDSM (blindfolds, being restrained), and also her desire to be filled and stretched by big dildos. We have explored this. I wasn’t really on board at first, but she was patient with me, and I’ve become accepting of participating and inviting in those things and ideas that give her pleasure. But when it turns back to me, I have one recurring fantasy and I am very reluctant to share it with her. Scared might be a better word. She has always been blessed with a gorgeous body that is beautiful, curvy, and full. I adore her. I adore and crave her body. But I I have this fantasy and curiosity of what it would be like to have sex with a woman who is thin. My wife’s weight limits what we do, position-wise, so she is comfortable. And I am on board with that. We do have fun. But I wonder and fantasize about what it would be like to be more athletic with a partner. To be able to lift her. Or have her on top of me light as a feather. We have had conversations along these lines relating to penis size. She craves the feeling a big dildo gives her, and I’m average. But the last thing I want to do is engage in any form of body shame with her. I love her body. I show her I love her and her body. I also am curious about smaller bodies. What would it be like? We are each other’s only partners.

Do you have any advice for how to explore this together with each other and in a way that is loving and caring for her while also honoring my fantasy? Or with the delicacy of body shame, am I best to keep this one tucked away? With the dildos, I have had to work through shame about my size. It was hard at first. It’s getting easier as we move forward. I see that she enjoys that feeling of the toy and also enjoys me. It isn’t one or the other. She reminds me that she likes what she likes—she likes both. Me and big dildos. I enjoy having sex with her. I’m just curious if there are any creative ways to explore this fantasy with her in a caring way. To be clear, I don’t want to open things up. This is not a backdoor plea to do that. We talked about nonmonogamy as an option for her large dildo/cock desire. She wanted to open up, and I did not. After playing with the toys and role-playing, we concluded monogamy is for us as the toys, plus my presence and care, satisfy her desire to feel full. She asks what I fantasize about and desire. If I’m being honest, this is it—sex with a different-shape body. But sharing this seems very precarious, and I do not want to hurt or shame her in any way.

—Thin Man

How Do I Tell My Curvy Wife About My Secret Desire for a Thin Woman?

Tags: Advice, Boredom, Choices, Marriage, Men, NSFW, Relationships, Satisfaction, Sex, Weight

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17-Sep-2020


I’m in My 30s, and I’ve Never Been Able to Make It to Home Base With Women 

 

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a 34-year-old straight, male virgin. I don’t have any trouble talking to women, frequently match with attractive women on dating apps, and often get to first base. I’ve even gotten to the “finish line” a few times, even getting to fingering and cunnilingus, but between being so nervous I can’t get it up, putting my foot in my mouth, and pure terror, I’ve always screwed it up. My first time in bed with a woman (someone I’d just met at a party), at age 27, it was the nerves, but the five subsequent times, in my 30s, I guess I didn’t even know where to begin. In all but one case, I told them I was a virgin, and only once was this a specific issue for my partner. All of them were women I met on a dating app, on the second or third date, except one that I was in a two-month sort of relationship with.

I’ve noticed that I don’t find the vagina particularly sexy. Could this be an issue? I’m also uncircumcised (this is common in my part of the world), and part of me fears tearing off the foreskin.

I feel like I’m missing out on a key part of the human experience. Maybe being in love with my partner would help, but frankly I haven’t been in love in a good 10 years. Maybe I just need to be so consumed by lust that I can’t overthink it, but does that even happen? It’s even crossed my mind to visit a prostitute and get it over with, but then I think really couldn’t get it up—the thought of a partner who is likely not the least bit attracted to you is a massive turn-off to me. I’m interested in your thoughts. Thanks, and have a wonderful day.

—Frustrated

I’m in My 30s, and I’ve Never Been Able to Make It to Home Base With Women

Tags: Advice, Perception, Relationships, Satisfaction, Sex, Sex Identity

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16-Sep-2020


My OCD Makes Me Anxious About Being Dirty. Here's How I Have Sex 

 

People often throw the phrase "obsessive-compulsive disorder" (OCD) around as jokey shorthand for being excessively particular or high-strung, casting the disorder as a sort of innocuous, yet desexualizing, set of anxieties.

But OCD isn’t a quirk. It's a mental health condition that more than 2 percent of people experience at some point. It takes the random thoughts that flash through people's heads—that irrational fear of having done something wrong, or an unbidden, bizarre fantasy—and, instead of allowing them to quickly fade, forces them to the forefront of their minds in distressing spirals. Because these obsessions don’t respond well to reason, people with OCD develop rituals in an attempt to bring themselves relief from those anxieties. But that relief is fleeting, and people get stuck in this cycle of obsession and ritual. Many become dependent on a growing list of compulsions, which can become their own sources of anxiety and shame.

Obsessions and rituals can bleed directly into sex, as well. People with contamination obsessions often talk about fixating on the perceived dirtiness of genitals or bodily fluids and putting up hard limits on how they have sex. By some estimates, at least one in 10 people with OCD will also at some point develop obsessions about sex, constantly questioning their sexualities or worrying they might be developing harmful urges and building rituals into their relationships, their masturbation habits, their engagement with porn, to test or reassure themselves about their desires. Fears of being misunderstood—or actually dangerous—force some people with sexual obsessions to avoid intimacy altogether. Often, current or potential romantic partners who face the realities of OCD write those with the condition off as just too much.

My OCD Makes Me Anxious About Being Dirty. Here's How I Have Sex

My mother has OCD and has been in a successful, sexual relationship with my stepfather for over 40 years. He isn't OCD but acquired it for mama satisfaction. Extra body scrubs don't hurt if she's worth it. (The cheating bastard.) 14-Sep-2020

Tags: Advice, Awareness, Effect, Mental Health, Priorities, Relationships, Safety, Sex, Vulnerable

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14-Sep-2020


Help! My Boyfriend’s Sister Acts Like I’m Her Romantic Rival. 

 

Q. My boyfriend is in a co-dependent relationship with his sister: My good friend “Mary” set me up with her brother “Jim” in January, when he moved in with her from out of state. We’ve been dating ever since. While Mary was happy for us, she was sad to not have a partner herself. So when Jim told me in March that he was going to prioritize her feelings because she was having a hard time, I understood. (By that time we were a “pod” of three, and being the third wheel can be rough.) Initially, their close sibling friendship seemed nice. But then Mary got possessive. She told me privately that they had fulfilled the emotional role of romantic partners for each other for years. She said she saw me as “the other woman.” At one point Mary asked Jim to stop texting me in the evenings so he could be more “present” when he was with her. Jim agreed that her behavior was unreasonable but said he didn’t want to change too much because Mary was struggling emotionally. Mary is in therapy and told me recently that we both need to stop making Jim “responsible” for our feelings. But I don’t think I have! I felt hurt and unsupported in the spring. I want to be compassionate toward Mary. But I suspect she and my boyfriend are co-dependent, and I want it to stop. What should I do? Or am I being selfish and I need to work on being empathetic toward my friend, who is lonely, and her brother, who is trying to support her?

Help! My Boyfriend’s Sister Acts Like I’m Her Romantic Rival.

Tags: Advice, Family, Friendship, Incest, Mental Health, Relationships, Treatment, Weird

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14-Sep-2020


Dear Abby: My plans with friend are spoiled when she’s handed her grandkids without warning 

 

DEAR ABBY: I have a serious issue with my best girlfriend. We make plans together, adult plans, and then at the last minute, her kids drop the young grandkids off for her to babysit, curtailing any plans we have together. The past few times, we have changed our plans to a “kids” activity.

I have an extremely busy client load, and I’m losing income by accommodating my friend’s time constraints, which revolve around making her husband’s lunch and dinner. Although I’m single now (I am a widow), I do understand why she has her priorities. If her grandkids are there when we have plans, she asks me to pick them up fast food on the way over — on my dime.

I have kids and grandkids myself, and they are important to me. I’m tired of being held hostage by her adult children who I feel are using her and taking advantage of the “drop-in day care” with Nana. How can I talk to her about our time being important, too? I have intentionally NOT made plans with my grandkids if she and I have plans, and I would love some reciprocity. — THROWN UNDER THE BUS

Dear Abby: My plans with friend are spoiled when she’s handed her grandkids without warning

Tags: Advice, Children, Choices, Entertainment, Family, Friendship, Grands, Parental Burden, Perception, Treatment

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13-Sep-2020


I Love My Poly Lifestyle, but the Constant Sex Has One Big Drawback 

 

Dear How to Do It,

I am a pansexual woman with multiple partners (one woman and a few men) with a relatively straightforward question. I have been poly for about a year, and it was been WONDERFUL for my sex drive and enjoyment, I have learned a lot about my body, and I am having more sex than I ever have. The issue, with all of that sex, is how sore I have been getting. Sex does not hurt me in isolation, but after three or four straight days in which I am having penetrative sex, I need two or so days off to recover, which doesn’t really work with my poly schedule or my heightened sex drive. I know I am having a lot of sex, but considering I have been using lube and none of my partners are too rough with me (though some of the men are rather well-endowed), I am surprised at the lasting soreness. Do you have any advice so I can keep going at my current rate without any breaks?

—Run Ragged

I Love My Poly Lifestyle, but the Constant Sex Has One Big Drawback

Tags: Advice, Anatomy, Health, Sex, Surge

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12-Sep-2020


Dear Abby: My husband calls me this vile name. Now my kid is doing it, too. 

 

DEAR ABBY: Although he has never hit me, my husband has been emotionally and verbally abusive ever since our wedding five years ago. One of his favorite names for me when he’s angry is “Fuckin’ Bitch.” I know this is my fault because I have tolerated it.

Today, my 2½-year-old daughter (who is usually a good girl) threw a tantrum and called me the same name twice. I try to discipline her, but she doesn’t understand that she’s saying something bad if Daddy can call me that. How can she?

He blames me for her talking that way, saying he hasn’t called me that in a month. (He called me that last week. I don’t use that language.)

I have suggested marriage counseling in the past, but he refused. I can’t leave him because I am seven months pregnant with our second child. How do I get both of them to respect me?

DISRESPECTED IN THE EAST

Dear Abby: My husband calls me this vile name. Now my kid is doing it, too.

Tags: Advice, Children, Choices, Hostility, Men In Charge, Mental Health, Parental Burden, Parental Crime, Self-esteem, Threat, Training, Woman's Rights

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02-Sep-2020


My Mother-in-Law Told My 12-Year Old to Lose Weight and “Fix” Her Face 

 

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am white, and my husband is Korean. We have two daughters who are 12 and 15. My husband and I both come from big families, but his is tighter-knit than mine, and they all live close by. Of his four siblings, three have kids, and our daughters are close with their cousins.

We had a socially distanced family picnic, and when we were saying goodbye, my mother-in-law started commenting on how nice our older daughter looked. But then, she started telling my younger daughter that she needed to start losing weight if she wanted to look like her sister, and if she was in Korea, she would have taken her to get her eyelids and nose “fixed” much earlier “because when you do it now it won’t look as natural.”

My younger daughter was mortified, and my older daughter didn’t even say anything! I was shocked and tried to bring it up in the car, but my older daughter just said it was “how Grandma always was” and my younger daughter didn’t say anything. When we tried to talk to her about it at home, she said the same thing, that she was just old. We are both very angry at my mother-in-law, and are worried about how this impacted our daughters’ self-esteem. What can we do to get them to open up, and how can we confront Grandma?

—Beauty Queens

My Mother-in-Law Told My 12-Year Old to Lose Weight and “Fix” Her Face

Everybody knows American parents prefer doctors, not loved ones, to tell their children they're fat and a little disjointed. 01-Sep-2020

Tags: Advice, Beauty, Children, Choices, Family, Overreaction, Parental Burden, Perception, Racial Tension, Racism

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01-Sep-2020


Attention Men, Intercourse Alone Brings Few Women to Orgasm 

 

Intercourse reliably brings around 95 percent of men to orgasm. What proportion of women climax that way? Substantially fewer than many, if not most men imagine.

The general—mistaken—male view is that, like men, the vast majority of women can reliably have orgasms during vaginal intercourse. That’s what most movies and TV shows present. The guy mounts the gal. He thrusts a few times. She moans in supposed ecstasy. And then it appears they both come. Actually, this is nonsense that miseducates men and frustrates many women.

In 2018, other Indiana University published a survey of a representative 1,055 American women age 18 to 94. Only 18 percent—about one in six—said they could come from intercourse alone. The rest—82 percent—said they needed direct clitoral stimulation. And 36 percent said that no matter how they climaxed, orgasms felt more satisfying when the lovemaking included gentle, extended clitoral caresses.

Attention Men, Intercourse Alone Brings Few Women to Orgasm

Tags: Advice, Instructional, Relationships, Sacrifice, Sex, Success

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01-Sep-2020


Is It Appropriate for a Teacher to Swim With Her Teenage Students? 

 

Dear Care and Feeding,

Last weekend, my wife’s and my mutual friend had a pool party for her 16-year-old daughter’s birthday party (at our condo pool). The birthday girl invited male and female schoolmates to the party, all around 15-to-17-year-olds. My wife started to put on her one-piece swimsuit to join the swimming until I stopped her. I felt like it was inappropriate for her to consider swimming with a bunch of teenagers, since she is a teacher at that school. She stated that it was a one piece and only one kid there was a student of hers. Plus, this was outside of school. I still didn’t agree with it, and she decided not to do it, for me. Was I wrong on this?

P.S. There were just three adults. Our friend, my wife, and me. The friend would have swam if my wife got in also, but our friend isn’t a teacher at the school.

—Teacher in a Swimsuit

Is It Appropriate for a Teacher to Swim With Her Teenage Students?

Tags: Advice, Children, Choices, Employment, Entertainment, Etiquette, Parental Burden, Relationships, Youth

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28-Aug-2020


If Not Sex Addicted, Then What? 

 

The couple looked troubled. Everything that they thought they'd figured out, that had been explained by their pastor, no longer made sense. "OK, then, if it's not sex addiction, what is the problem?" A moment passed. Then another. "Well," I said, "for starters, it's worse than you think."

Sex addiction, as a pseudoscientific concept, is so very emotionally appealing. First of all, it definitely labels the objectionable sexual conduct as a disease and nothing but a disease so, really, there's no need to look any further. But the reason I told my clients it's worse than what they thought is because it's not the so-called addict who has a problem. The problem is about them as a couple.

If Not Sex Addicted, Then What?

Tags: Advice, Cheating, Choices, Environment, Etiquette, Freedom, Marriage, Mental Health, Misrepresentation, Modernization, Psychology, Relationships, Sex, Treatment

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25-Aug-2020


Can I Really Dump Friends Just Because They’re Conservative? 

 

Dear Care and Feeding,

During the current political environment and COVID-19 pandemic, I feel the country is heavily divided. My husband, our 10-year old daughter, and I are all progressive liberals. However, one of the families we have hung out with since our daughter was 5 is our polar opposite.

They are Trump supporters, make racist comments, don’t believe in climate change, do not support public education, think the whole COVID situation is a political hoax, and don’t wear masks. We have not hung out with this family since before the pandemic.

When we used to hang out, they would drop racist comments toward me (I am Asian) and say it was just a joke, or do things we don’t approve of (steal, tread off trail), or now they find us ridiculous to be social distancing. We have had five years of hanging out and traveling together. But, this year, the divide has made me wonder. Is it wrong to not want to hang out with people who has opposite views and do things that I find lack morals? We’ve been social distancing anyway, and this may be an opportunity for us to part ways.

—Is Breaking Up Hard to Do?

Can I Really Dump Friends Just Because They’re Conservative?

Tags: Advice, Choices, Politics, Racism, Relationships

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25-Aug-2020


Dear Abby: Man smells trouble in wife’s last-minute trip extension 

 

DEAR ABBY: I have been married a little over a year. My wife took a trip to Florida to get some things out of storage, and turned it into a two-week vacation. She's now traveling back with the in-laws, which I wasn't expecting.

Yesterday she announced she doesn't want to talk to anyone, including me, and will only text for the next three days during the trip because she's too tired. I feel rejected and like yesterday's news because she hardly calls me and she almost forgot to say goodnight. I don't think this is healthy for our relationship, and I have separation anxiety to boot. Is this normal? -- NEWLYWED GUY IN IOWA

Dear Abby: Man smells trouble in wife’s last-minute trip extension

Tags: Advice, Cheating, Relationships, Sex

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23-Aug-2020




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