All Posts Tagged as 'Family'

My grandmother would babysit me on certain weekends so my mother could free herself from the drudgery of doing nothing. My grandmother acknowledged me with derision but in comparison to the others (cousins) I was useful. I could serve her, protect the child and gain the privilege of her hating me less. The favorite grandchild had curls spun from gold and the disposition of an angel. The prince came from nowhere. There is no evidence of a father. Mythologies passed on from cousin to cousin deduced my father, the rapist, was in the running, my aunt's pedo brother too and a made-up greek guy that no one's ever seen. No cousin/grandchild would ever receive such bountiful love from the adults in the family. I loved him too.

My grandmother once announced to her 15 grandchildren (ages 6 through 12) that they would not receive a Christmas present from her because she could only afford to give it to one and she was bestowing it to the most deserving. Seven of my cousins later became Jehovah's Witnesses and never celebrated anything ever again. The two year old prince doesn't remember that day but that's the day his life was destined. That Christmas he was granted grandma's glee, heart, exquisite presents and everyone's hate. We were so angry at her. She could have shared that gift with him at anytime. They lived together. Why did she choose to humiliate us by having us witness it? "Because she's a witch." "She hates us." "I hate her!" The family dynamic was set. Avenge the Sith.

We could see her coming. Through the windows. Before the elevator dings. "Here comes that demon mother of yours," she would say. It was almost a countdown on how many bad things my grandmother could state about my mother before she arrived to terrorize her. Ding!

My mother would make her account for every mistake (the cheating, the twins, the lying and the pastor) she ever made. It happened a lot. My grandmother would end up screaming, crying or both. It was horrible. I didn't really understand grandma's sins but I forgave her. My mother obviously could not.

My grandmother taught me how to live a successful miserable life and to always be wary of mother. 22-Jan-2021

My worst case scenario has come true. I have to relive the aspects of my life I was frightened to visit. I am a needy person. As such I need to acquiesce to the support (family) that saves, not the one of invention (gay.) I have faith now because how else could I survive. It is family prayer that gives me breath. But I don't believe. Stop the crap. This is why you suffer. Because you won't let him in. "But..." I give out benedictions and prayers to everyone as I crack inside. My mother cries that I never gave her a grandchild. I kiss God's lips for hearing me on that one. "Gay was a failure or you wouldn't have come crawling back." I didn't come crawling back. They tracked me down. I was made to believe gay would be beautiful, romantic and forever. I didn't know I was in a cesspool of perverts. My sexual predators are now bffs, the meanest people are my mentors and I keep asking what did I do so wrong? I wanted to die in peace. 27-Dec-2020

One of the most mystifying gifts my mother laid on me this year is for me to stop pretending to be black and just be white. She's never seen me as anything but, so it is so. Racism doesn't apply to me because she's always seen me as white. LOL. It was said in an advisory tone to offset future guilt. Head explosion. If I went outside right now and declared I was white they would shoot me. I'm not black because my hair don't kink, she says. (2 blunts.) My nephews and nieces are black because their fathers and mothers are really black. There are no black people in Puerto Rico. They're Indian. Body collapse. 25-Dec-2020