I spill my feelings on this platform because even though there is no feedback it allows me to see the situation from another angle so I can be sensitive and not cause greater hurt. If I don't find any social value to my share I will delete it.

I was my mother's favorite as my sister was my father's. They set us up to compete, to cling to one parent against the other. I was always my sister's annoying baby brother and that restrained us from getting closer. There is no respect for a boy too precious and shielded (mother) for a girl that was going to rule the world.

When she suggested doing oral sex on her, I slammed the idea down because I didn't know what it was, I wasn't sexual yet and it sounded shameful. My sister was persistent, either I go down on her or she'll tell mother my secrets. Was it that I dragged the butchiest of my G.I. Joes? I never really found out what she was holding over my head. I didn't need mother's wrath to be jostled so I acquiesced. It was uncomfortable to be so intimate with someone who only conveyed rancor to me. I felt dirty and bad and it further confused my sexuality. I see women as mothers or sisters and I can only sexualize the "bad" girl. My straight attempts had an automatic off switch.

I can be very accommodating but my mind always triggers a rebellion when I feel wronged. Before the week was over I killed the satiation machine by telling her that I hated the act and I wasn't going to do it anymore and that whatever secret she was holding over me she could convey because nothing could be worst. She was angry for a while, she never spoke my secret and I put it away as the first sexual scratch.

I don't want to shame my sister for the abuse because she was also a child who must have had her own perpetrator that introduced her early to sex. I don't know.

My adult sister hates the mention of sex, doesn't drink or drug (not even aspirin) and like all people with a shameful past has found that the spirituality of God will vanquish all sins. My mother calls her a saint and has always instructed me on how to appropriately act between myself and her family. My mother nagged me so hard about why my sister and I weren't affectionate or communicative that I outed the experience. Mother had nothing to say except to insinuate I was ridiculous and a sinful liar. The conversation was cut short and never revisited.

I tried renewing a relationship with my sister by joining our families and enjoying the best that support can bring but it was short lived. The problems, the competition, the parenting and the pop-up walls didn't allow us to trust each other and we found ourselves on different sides, in different states with hurtful words, little understanding then silence. I haven't spoken to her in years.

She has reached out. We don't mend because we never expose the problem and because she needs to know I forgave her a long time ago. It's a gamble but I need to know if she can accept it. 12-Mar-2018