It begins with family authenticity, struggling to keep current and afloat. Super reality sets in and the tingles begin. Oh no! It's going to be bonkers. The cast resolves it. I wasn't sure if the husband was Jackie Chan. I spent a lot of the time being jealous of how young he looked. It was driving me crazy. He can't be, right? When he utilized the master's moves, I thought, that's definitely Jackie Chan. It's a tribute to him and Michelle Yeoh as action heroes but why does he look so fucking young? Terrific surgery perhaps? Ke Huy Quan is as adorable now as he was as a kid in a Spielberg classic. The man was precise. To Lady Yeoh, we gently bow. Stephanie Hsu had fun being all iterations of evil because we had fun too. Jamie Lee Curtis was gnarly. James Hong added his queerisms. The film threw as many cliches as it did new ideas. A win win for art. A film that wipes its imperfections with glorious shots of legends reacting to wonder and giving us soul. 27-Nov-2022

An artful relentless mess in which Lord Nicholas takes on religion and splits his asshole kicking its butt. 12-Oct-2022

When Almodovar embraces Hitchcockian ambience it is sublime but when he attempts a Spielbergian signature it deprives the film of a punch. Two mothers, both strangers share a common thread that conflicts with their lives. Even though the outcome is easy to determine, the presentation is a shivering buildup. Penelope Cruz maintains her hold until Almodovar gives up. Her mother doesn't crumble as the film's psychology implies. She wraps it up without a challenge. The ending is part Schindler's List and part Indiana Jones/Jurassic Park. I welcome a latin Spielberg inspiration with cheeky heroes and dinosaurs but I can't forgive a spanish mother that doesn't wreck. A spanish mother is the T-Rex of emotion. 23-Apr-2022

Kurosawa's imagining of Macbeth was intoxicating. He lingered until we felt the character's desperation. The background was still and intimidating. The actors wore silent film faces with impassioned speak. Toshiro Mifune was a beast royale as MacBeth. Isuzu Yamada was fabulously haunting as his Lady. The rustle of her dress, the scary predictions, the make-up and bouts of violent madness. She was a favorite thing. Deaths were choreographed with coherent math and geography. Inspiration is achieved. Masterpiece recreation is impossible because the best things in it happened by accident. 28-Mar-2022

Child's emotions are awakened when she experiences Leak Week. A family curse has her turning into a fuzzy red panda that transforms her life and liberates her loins. She's becoming a woman. The family wants to keep the hairy beast on the downlow but children can't be remote controlled. The child keeps it padded with the support of friends and the hope to attend a concert of sex gods (a boy band.) The film is fresh, the music is sprite and the art is gorgeous. 20-Mar-2022

Like Batman I focused on a minor detail that should have gotten someone fired and the picture burnt. Ms. Crawford's leg looks beat up. Is it make-up? Is it black nail polish? Did she fall down a flight of stairs? Are those surgery scars? Is that why she's sitting? Was she secretly dirty? It looks awful. 14-Mar-2022

The inestimable is the most hurtful. Brian Bonsall played Mikey, a throwaway child with trust, jealousy and psychotic issues. The actor had the smarts of an adult aware of its value. Everyone loves "new" adorable thing until it becomes codependent and angry. The conversations are the same as today, which freaked me out. "We're still talking about the same shit with the non-resolutions." Mikey is presented as an adoptive boy trying to adjust to a family that has suddenly enforced rules. They must die, the most inept investigators can't solve it and adorable little Mikey is psychoanalyzed for PTSD after secretly killing them. The psychiatrist frees him into the adoption system with an "all he needs is love" diagnosis and Mikey moves on to the next stupid family. Mikey has learned that electricity and water don't mix, you can hit real balls with bats, cops can't solve anything, mothers just stand there screaming while you're stabbing them to death and to remove the bullets from adult guns and disconnect their phones so they can't fight back. Empty guns waving in the dark. Elementary school sports training consisted of coaches deciding which boy would be a "skin" or a "shirt" for no apparent reason other than to be a pervert. Telling certain kids and not others to strip is insulting and absolutely gay. His favorite teacher becomes suspicious of the boy's monstrous tendencies when he adds marbles to her "marble game." A box is designated for the kids to drop marbles they earn for good deeds. The more marbles of goodness you inherit the quicker you can fill it so its doors burst open and you can receive a prize. She investigates his history but his adoption file is closed and the witnesses are minimal. There is no living thing that is safe when Mikey gets pissed. Will he spare no one? Kids dragging adult dead bodies, killing cats, feeding frogs to sharks, setting up the boyfriend and using a bow and arrow to kill are hilarious. Everything looks TV safe and appealing, the deaths are LOL and Bonsall keeps on giving. He is the conservative cunt that arises when successful families keep pushing the same subject without advancing. Mikey is the child liberated from bullshit. Baby boy is my new "Carrie."

PS: dudes, if she wants childrenx and you don't, show her this movie. Repeated viewing depends on her voracity for children and disdain for the film. Keep it downlow. We don't want to damage her. Keep it stealthily in the background and don't stop watching it. Make it a top ten of all time. Yeah, it's crap but its better than having a baby. 21-Feb-2022

Villeneuve attempts putting things prettier than Chalamet on screen and lending coherence to a confusing tale. The audience drives miles before the Jedi is matched with his fate and the communities are only taxed with suffering. The film doesn't allow them any fun. Everyone is a prisoner of religious fervor and nobody takes a dump. The ending is abrupt and the action doesn't build, it stays the same. Villeneuve envisions amazing things but nothing prettier than Chalamet. 19-Feb-2022

Zhao contributes "beauty of art" and serenity to the MCU. The actors are sound comic book cutouts defying gravity with little purpose. A Galactus of significance would have created the conflict that Gods favor and audiences delight in. There was a sameness to the threat, a sadness to the truth and no color for the future. 13-Jan-2022

God was so angry at us in the 50's that he sent aliens with innovative tech to destroy us. The film details the science and the purpose. Actors are effective. Effects hold up. Its relevance withstands. 26-Nov-2021

Killer is setting her lover up to take the blame for her husband's murder. Setup is a tingly nincompoop that obliges the voice of love. Good girl is the bestie with a crush that will find proof to save him. Jane Wyman's talent had me swooning. Alastair Sim was sly and supportive. Richard Todd was psychological. Marlene Dietrich glimmered. Michael Wilding exhilarated. The shots don't disappoint, the puzzle is precise and the whole is enviously entertaining. 06-Sep-2021

A fairytale can sustain a marriage until someone else's reality makes it true. Men are easily positioned by a punch to the face but a woman is a game worth dying for. A woman cannot be special unless she is hunted and adorned. A billionaire will pay a million dollars to have sex with a loser's beauteous wife. Demi is full watt, totally worth a million dollars. Daddy Redford is an alpha watt hoarding the unattainable by deconstructing it. Harrelson is the cute schmuck torn between love, security, betrayal and insanity. Lyne is a Hallmark backend. It's psychological intuition sometimes gets marred by goop smear but the trio sparks, the music masters, the thought is clear and the atmosphere is bright. 26-Aug-2021

Creature with a grand imagination, magnificent capabilities and childlike inspired nobility is plucked out of isolation so he can partake of suburbia after his inventor dies. Depp's Edward is everything you don't expect. He is joyous and wondrous, living things he always envisioned but never realized and tempted by the evil that is a suburban housewife. Suburbia is welcoming, at first. Kathy Baker is splendiferous as a woman too hot to trot with. Michael Anthony Hall played himself marvelously. Dianne Wiest is a beautiful heart murmur. Alan Arkin schlepped. Vincent Price is a well deserved gay horror queen. Suburbia is where Karens are born, the religious take flight and nature goes to shit. Edward unites the community, becomes a hero but is deflated by a bully. A misconstrued wrongdoing leads to cancellation. He's no longer adorable but Frankenstein. There are plot holes. He eats which means he poops. How does he clean his butt? How does he pee? A hole in a water mattress makes the entire bed drain. Putting a teddy on it doesn't stop it from leaking. If Edward eats food is it necessary for his survival? Does the town receive free giant blocks of ice during the holidays? The inventor created a boy but had difficulty with hands? It doesn't matter. The music is magical, Wynona Ryder did the best by doing the least and Tim Burton is a master of creativity. He creates a place I want to live in, minus the people. I am Edward Scissorhands. 24-Aug-2021

Teen lesbians break up after the other moves to a better town and starts hooking up with boys. A jealous and violent prank accidentally disrupts a force that sends undead serial killers to obliterate them. The director has ballsy energy and the kids read well. It pays homage to the slasher film while making the violence more palpable and incorporating lots of baby kickass fun. 02-Jul-2021

This is primo Chucky and Andy. It's ridiculous but hilarious. The parents are knobs being foster parents to a teenage lesbian with survival skills and a traumatic Andy who's mother has been institutionalized for believing in human dolls. Chucky is alive, more expressive and an artistic cunt. The toy factory was it. 24-Jun-2021