Health/Food Posts Tagged as 'Winning'
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7 Consequences of Blaming Others for How We Manage Anger
“If she didn’t say that I wouldn’t have hit her.” “If he didn’t cut me off I would never have chased after him!” “My father is to blame for my problems with anger.”
These are just a few examples of comments I’ve heard over the years, made by individuals who blamed others in order to justify their anger and how they expressed it. In the first, a 32-year-old husband, married for just two years, assaulted his wife while under the influence of alcohol. He hit his wife after she threatened to divorce him and make sure that he would suffer financially. His aggression was a reaction to his anger—rage that masked his feelings of powerlessness, hurt, and anticipated loss. In spite of arguments that had escalated in the previous year, he was unable to honestly acknowledge that he and his wife were incompatible.
In each scenario, these individuals deny their responsibility for their behavior. They portray themselves as powerless in their actions and, often, incapable of change. The details of how they blamed others for their anger is different. However, in each situation, these individuals failed to recognize that their tendency to blame others only strengthened their perceived powerlessness and–in turn– their likelihood of blaming others.
It is one thing to suggest that an event contributed to triggering our anger. It is an entirely different issue to suggest that others are responsible for our feelings, their intensity and how we manage them.
Steps to Reduce Your Tendency to Blame Others
1. Recognize it when it occurs.
2. Reflect on the purpose it serves you. What feelings are you trying to avoid?
3. Cultivate increased self-compassion to recognize that being human involves making mistakes, having flaws and weaknesses.
4 Recognize how your tendency for global thinking contributes to blaming.
5. Look for your contribution to your suffering.