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All Posts Tagged as 'Director Slouch'

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There's Something In The Barn (2023) Bites

The director didn't add scope to cramped spaces. The set-up was an opportunity to marry into the Gremlins family but the creatives were inspired to make schlock. It was nice to have a boy do something in a movie besides being written out. The thing in the barn is not a CGI wonder or a Chucky miracle. It was old and dusty, like the script. I hope they hired some little people, at least. The film confuses weird with scary. The action sequences were frozen, the comedy was foggy and horror didn't show up. 01-Apr-2024

Tags: 2020s, Accidental Watch, Camp, Chemistry, Cliche, Coincidence Laden, Cold, Comedy, Dialogue Lament, Director Slouch, Fatigue, Holiday, Horror Mild, Preposterous, Retread, Silly, Stupid Funny, Weird

Filed under: Movies

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01-Apr-2024


Five Nights At Freddys (2023) Bites

It was difficult to establish how the animatronics were killing people. They never showed it. It was directed for wimps who are scared of horror movies. The reason for living animatronics is an overused one. They couldn't be aliens? How the fuck did that animatronic get in the car? They do not bend easily. How many times did we have to relive Josh's memories? We got it the first time. 07-Mar-2024

Tags: 2020s, Art Devoid, Cliche, Depressing, Director Slouch, Drama, False Action, Fantasy, Horror, Horror Mild, Oncer, Predictable, Preposterous, Silly, Tacky

Filed under: Movies

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07-Mar-2024


Code 8 Pt. 2 (2024) Arf

A movie should fulfill its promises. It promised that somebody was going to die if they did something. They did and nothing happened. False climax. It would have added a human touch to a technical movie. I didn't understand how the powers worked. There were instances when they could have used them to get out of situations but didn't. Scenes end after every cliffhanger and we lose out on the action. No slicing and dicing. Little girl had the lamest power. I can turn off electrical devices too, so can Alexa and I don't have to touch her. The sequel did everything it did before and didn't grow. The robot dogs were impervious to electricity, but died because of it. Stepping on water when you're electric doesn't sound like a good idea. They shifted the board but kept the game the same. 03-Mar-2024

Tags: 2020s, Action, Daddy Squish, Director Slouch, Disappointment, Lesbian, Relationships, Repetitive, Retread, Sequel, Star Watt, Timid, Writ w/Possibilities

Filed under: Movies

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03-Mar-2024


May December (2023) Whimper

Lack of clarity and character purpose slows a movie about a female child molester. The boy was thirteen, she got caught, went to jail, became pregnant and married the victim. Natalie Portman is the actress that arrives 20 years later to witness the aftermath and understand the feelings involved in a messy woman's choices so she can better portray her in an upcoming film. The couple believes it might bring redemption but it's not clear what Portman's true intentions are. Julianne Moore settles on a safe space where the husband, children and neighborhood are trapped within the woman's bubble of fantasy and control. She never thought she did anything wrong except cheat on her husband. Boy grows up and remembers feelings that were not kosher, his dependence on his wife gives him no place to run to and he needs to blast it to any one that can help him understand. Charles Melton's abused boy is a frozen fuckboy in a bubble of his own that conveyed not much more than the script. Melton pauses and clamps trying to act through something that's keeping him away. The beautiful score is unsettling and builds to nothing. Moore has a few moments, Portman gave us brilliant seconds but the styles never coalesced. The script mumbles and only hints at evoking feeling. When a woman is a victim of abuse, her story is always front and center. If the man is the abuser he has to register as a sex offender, not live by schools or children, be destroyed for life and never be the lead in his own story. Why didn't this victim get the same respect? 03-Dec-2023

Tags: 2020s, Cold, Daddy Squish, Director Slouch, Disappointment, Drama, Fatigue, Inactivity, Music Swings, Rapey, Relationships, Slow, Star Watt, Subtle, Timid, Unenthusiastic, Vague, Weird, Writ w/Possibilities

Filed under: Movies

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03-Dec-2023


Blue Beetle (2023) Bites

The pace had no time to set-up character appreciation, it had a billion particles to settle. The family dynamic was food, drink, celebration and insanity. George Lopez added comedy schtick to his act. He looked like a character booted from Bedrock because he was too loud and ornery. The breast queen should be playing Lady MacBeth not becoming a free TV actor. I can see her washing blood from her hands and implementing Elvira's cleavage cut. The rest of the family and the leads apply stereotypes without explaining them. There is no such thing as a stereotype because it's only a description of our heritage. Universal speak. Nobody passed the classic TV Q test and the silliness hardly stopped. The best of the mythology turned into a fiesta. The family went everywhere together. Really? When did they masturbate? Why did the family get superpowers? Beetle's nemesis was a bigger and badder version of himself. Couldn't we have gotten something a little different? If the production wanted to fill the female quota, why didn't they concoct some awesome female villains? He has lots and no villain is scarier than a latin woman scorned. She'll slash your tires. 27-Nov-2023

Tags: 2020s, Action, Art Devoid, Bad Acting, Bad Chemistry, Brutal, By the Numbers, Camp, Cliche, Comedy, Cultural, Depressing, Dialogue Lament, Director Slouch, Enthusiastic, Fatigue, Over the Top, Physical Humor, Predictable, Preposterous, Relationships, Repetitive, Revenge, Sap, Shrill Act, Timid, Trashy, TV-like, Vague, Weird

Filed under: Movies

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27-Nov-2023


F4: Rise Of The Silver Surfer (2007) Whimper

I'm not sure but I think they neutered the Silver Surfer. I remember having seen the film during it's time and I noticed one. I don't forget crotches. The whole feels cheaper. Johnny lost his appeal and became vapid. Sue Storm continued to be listless and unheroic with a crappy blonde wig. Kerry Washington's blind brick lover was under-appreciated. The Thing was sort of plastic. Mr. Fantastic's powers were mostly comic relief and unbelievable. When Torch gains extra powers, it's fun but when "you know who" returns as Dr. Doom all is gloom. Galactus was a no-show because nobody knew how to incorporate a bigger thing than god into the real world. Really? A Galactus that was bigger than Thanos sitting on a throne commanding his slave, Silver Surfer, to destroy so he could feed, is brilliant. 17-Jul-2023

Tags: 2000s, Action, Art Devoid, Cheeky Acting, Crapfun, Director Slouch, Drama, Fatigue, Good Idea, Over the Top, Physical Humor, SciFi, Timid, Timid Effects, Writ w/Possibilities

Filed under: Movies

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17-Jul-2023


Run Rabbit Run (2023) Whimper

I was in as soon as I witnessed Shiv being sarcastic to a saucy child. I was out when the mystery couldn't sustain itself and it lavished us with endless finales. It wouldn't end. After the first finale, the predictions come quick, the heart slows and wtf? It's a long way around to prove mother is an asshole. 02-Jul-2023

Tags: 2020s, Art Devoid, By the Numbers, Depressing, Director Slouch, Drama, Horror Mild, Star Watt, Timid, Writ w/Possibilities

Filed under: Movies

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02-Jul-2023


Fantastic Four (2005) Arf

If you left kernels at the bottom of the popcorn bucket, expecting the movie to pop them, it does not. The origin story is deprived of force because of its oversimplification. Only three members achieved not looking foolish in their embodiments. Chris Evans steals everything with his bad boy swag, partial nudity and up to your imagination charm. Michael Chiklis was turned to brick, his eyes the main conveyor and I felt him. Kerry Washington was brave to enact being blind and fucking a brick dick. Ion Gruffud was chosen from a dork photo line-up. Jessica Alba decided to go bronze skin with blonde hair which is irrelevant to who she's portraying. I always envisioned Sue Storm as a mature-minded leader. Every breath Alba shared, purred, "I'm sexy, are you going to marry me or what?" According to the film, Sue Storm has no reason to powerfully exist except to stop traffic, plea for love, get undressed and be invisible. She's no Barbara Bain. Julian Macmahon's Dr. Doom made my popcorn explode with a whimper. He acted like he was in a live comic book written by those Power Rangers people. He cheapened the film. The film is more excited about what effects can do than establishing a purpose for a character's existence. Action is in a rush to move on and be forgotten. Its enjoyable but "let's put it in the kids' dvd section, for now. 16-Jun-2023

Tags: 2000s, Action, By the Numbers, Camp, Cheeky Acting, Cliche, Comic Book, Dialogue Lament, Director Slouch, Drama, Enthusiastic, Fantasy, Funny, Sort of, Grating, Hot Swatch, Over the Top, Preposterous, Silly, Star Watt, Timid, Writ w/Possibilities

Filed under: Movies

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16-Jun-2023


Shazam! Fury Of The Gods (2023) Bites

A Saturday morning kiddie show that plays after the popular ones have aired and kids watch whilst having lunch. It can't shake off the silliness so it embraced it. Bad mistake. It only works if it's funny. Some of the writers asked their children what they would like to see and the parents yucked it up. Elegant ladies of maturity shouldn't have to wear clunky armor especially if they're witches. The villains are not much of a threat. They just need more "home" visits from the family. Why did they pile on so much ick hair and clothing on Hinsou's god? Zachary Levi. His solution when discomfited is to make a face or a nine year's old gesture. His younger alter ego is a teenager on his way to becoming a man. They work as separate units but not as a whole. They copy nothing from each other. Billy's best friend's storyline had the emotional heft that Shazam's didn't. It doesn't even take us on a fantastical journey. It was a scenic bus ride to Walmart. 07-Jun-2023

Tags: 2020s, Action, Art Devoid, Brutal, By the Numbers, Camp, Dialogue Lament, Director Slouch, Drama, Fantasy, Fatigue, Grating, Musical Bombast, Over the Top, Physical Humor, Preposterous, Repetitive, SciFi, Shrill Act, Silly, Star Watt, Tacky, Wit Crack

Filed under: Movies

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07-Jun-2023


3,000 Years Of Longing (2022) Whimper

It seems like a private joke to portray different languages without captioning them. The more times the movie lines or references are repeated the more we can understand and retain it. It's an educational tool. The descriptions fall mainly on Elba who portrays a physically commanding djinn with poetic romanticism with no woman to match him. Swinton's acting nuances become mismatched ticks. Queen of Shiba's story was the most interesting only because the actress portraying her provided model fabulosity. The leads remain within bottle safety throughout. The effects don't want to intrude on realism but that's what the story is about. I wanted to see Elba mixing spells, looking dashing or at least happy and having a magic ball while reciting Shakespeare with Lady Tilton. 23-May-2023

Tags: 2020s, Cliche, Daddy Squish, Director Slouch, Fantasy, Fatigue, Inactivity, Predictable, Relationships, Repetitive, Romance, Squish Alert, Star Watt, Tedium, Timid, Unenthusiastic, Weird, Wit Crack, Writ w/Possibilities

Filed under: Movies

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23-May-2023


Antman & The Wasp: Quantumania (2023) Whimper

Cuteness and self congratulations does not befit these superpowered saviors. It rehashes helicopter dad and rebellious vigilante super daughter, predictably and unattached. Paul Rudd looked confused. The daughter misses being a good thing because she is stereotyped. MODOK looked like a badly stretched photo. The Quantum Realm was a mishmash of background paintings with no movement or the dulcet tones of Bob Ross. The inhabitants are the rejected drawings of cantina ideas for all the Star Wars films. The director applied the cutesies to an alien slime that cutely spoke. Good job actor, but there is nothing cute about talking jello. Pfeiffer tackled her heroism with gusto even though the words sounded exhausted. Chemistry was beginning to form between her and Kang. They should have played that out as a Part 1. The support was alert but there was too much realm and rah rah rah. The purpose of this pilot movie was to introduce Kang so it can comfortably occupy more room in the tie-ins. Majors hits all the right notes but Kang is underwritten and easily beaten. 18-May-2023

Tags: 2020s, Action, By the Numbers, Cliche, Coincidence Laden, Cold, Daddy Squish, Dialogue Lament, Director Slouch, Drama, Fatigue, Repetitive, SciFi, Silly, Star Watt, Timid, Writer Weakness

Filed under: Movies

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18-May-2023


Summit Fever (2022) Arf

I was bracing for another Fall experience but no vertigo set in. It had to be the shots. Above and below shots were seldom. The camera moved sideways as much as possible, as if they too were afraid of heights. The purpose for the drama is always the same, like the tragedy that inspired it. The pretty cast gave more than what we got. The story rises out of its standard issue to flesh out characters so the performers can deliver while they stall. It's petrifying in a very safe space. An ass prince shows up in winter/apocalyptic clothing, head to toe. They couldn't wait for summer? 20-Mar-2023

Tags: 2020s, Accidental Watch, Action, Chemistry, Cliche, Daddy Squish, Director Slouch, Drama, Fatigue, Funny, Sort of, Horror Mild, Pretty, Relationships, Sentimental, Sports, Squish Alert, Star Watt, Timid, Words Spoke

Filed under: Movies

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20-Mar-2023


Hush (1998) Whimper

Jessica Lange tortures Gwyneth Paltrow because she can. Unfortunately, not enough to qualify for Mommie Dearest status. The editing is abrasive and the film has the confidence of a TV movie from the 80s. Schaech is a floral centerpiece and the ladies work it but the movie is melodramatic. 10-Mar-2023

Tags: 1990s, Camp, Chemistry, Crapfun, Director Slouch, Drama, Fatigue, Funny, Sort of, Horror Mild, Hot Swatch, Over the Top, Predictable, Relationships, Star Watt, Stupid Funny, Timid, TV-like, Wit Crack, Writ w/Possibilities

Filed under: Movies

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10-Mar-2023


Halloween Ends (2022) Bites

I hope so. Besides the original two, no one has added anything fresh, stimulating or artistic. Michael is psychic now. He can tell when someone's been bad to children, like Santa Claus. They gave Laurie white guilt because she is responsible for unleashing all the serial killers in our community. It felt equivalent to hanging Carroll O'Connor for his amazing portrayal of a bigot. Laurie's feminism got softened. She sets up her granddaughter, that almost got killed by the most famous serial killer ever, with a date that served time for maybe killing a child. Yeah, the kid died. Worst parent ever. Why couldn't they meet on their own without Laurie's instincts being seniled? Absolutely not, you are never leaving this house until that psycho is off the streets! That would have been enough fury to unleash a psycho. Corey's idea of a possible serial killer is smiling like he's auditioning for The Dark Knight: The Joker Reborn. An animated feature. I wished the psychos in my life were that funny. Giving Corey a storyline was a stall tactic because they didn't know how to end it. It's been so long that they forgot the purpose. It mistook the original as schlock entertainment and served it as such. What stood out in the original was the images, hand magic, ideas and symbolism. Awesome music is ingrained, a mask and a scream queen born of Janet Leigh never hurt. Everyone deserved better. 02-Feb-2023

Tags: 2010s, Action, By the Numbers, Camp, Cliche, Coincidence Laden, Cold, Director Slouch, Disappointment, Drama, False Action, Fatigue, Political Satire, Retread, Tedium, Timid, Trashy, TV-like, Vague

Filed under: Movies

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02-Feb-2023


Menu, The (2022) Bites

The menu didn't serve enough choices and didn't take advantage of it's clientele. Face actor Fiennes was ready to do some really mean things but he ended up depraved and soulless. What makes foodies offensive is not their meal choices but their business dealings? Hong Chau creeped out and overcame ick material. Nicholas Hoult didn't get a chance to swing. Taylor-Joy gave good face but subtle depth. Was John Leguizamo the only latin pimp with taste buds they could think of? He doesn't belong. The horror element is copied from a better script's cliff notes. The actors did not do like Lucy and make us believe they were eating that shit. Hardly anybody ate. Didn't get it, didn't care because I eat to survive. 22-Jan-2023

Tags: 2020s, Art Devoid, By the Numbers, Cliche, Daddy Squish, Director Slouch, Drama, Horror, Mean Spirited, Political Satire, Preposterous, Repetitive, Revenge, Star Watt, Tedium, Wit Crack, Writer Humiliation

Filed under: Movies

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22-Jan-2023




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