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Movies Posts Tagged as 'Director Slouch'

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Thor: Love and Thunder (2022) Whimper

Natalie Portman's linebacker is not the gayest thing about the movie, a bodyless rock pining for another rock is. Are you kidding me? I want to see Thor's beautiful ass fucked by Zeus. 12-Sep-2022

Tags: 2020s, Action, By the Numbers, Camp, Daddy Squish, Director Slouch, Disappointment, Fantasy, Funny, Sort of, Girlie Movie, Lesbian, Manipulation, Over the Top, Predictable, Preposterous, Relationships, Repetitive, Sap, SciFi, Shrill Act, Silly, Star Watt, Timid, Wit Crack, Writer Humiliation

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12-Sep-2022


Candyman (2021) No Moons

Non-movie illustration of why "Oscar So White" is still so prevalent. Candyman is stripped of sensual ferocity, opinion and reason. His myth is re-written and implied by puppetry because the talent wasn't inspired to showcase it. The scares couldn't unhinge a cockroach. The deaths are remote with closeup shots of thick red Kool-aid. The violence is hesitant because most black people are petrified of supernatural violence. It scratches the ghetto but refuses to live in it because black people don't want to return there. Whites have gentrified the ghetto and blacks are mad as hell because they weren't given enough time to make their home livable. "Welfare knocked on my door before I had a chance to straighten up." "Bitch, you know white people can't watch good land go to waste." Blacks with dedication and drive enjoy the gentrified lifestyle while critiquing their hosts and avoiding the nasty parts of their neighborhood. This is all supposed to tie in with a confusing Candyman revenge backstory. The candy was uninspired. It should have looked scrumptious and colorful. It looked like granny's recycled Christmas candy. Only fat kids pick that shit up. It wasn't woke enough to have Colman Domingo fuck Candyman. The film required more gays so Candyman could kill the two. Too bad. In what world are there more cops in the neighborhood than community? 31-Jan-2022

Tags: 2020s, Bad Acting, Bad Chemistry, Brutal, Cliche, Coincidence Laden, Dialogue Lament, Director Slouch, Gay Swatch, Horror, Indecipherable, Political, Predictable, Preposterous, Repetitive, Retread, Silly, Tacky, Timid, Writer Weakness

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31-Jan-2022


Power Of The Dog, The (2021) Whimper

There is no dog in sight. Teen with effeminate ways grabs the attention of the town bully and gets a crush on him. Son is subjected to alpha humiliation that gives him a hard-on which makes mother heartbroken yet keeps boy obsessed with tempting the savage. She marries the bully's brother and moves into the bully's home where he finishes her son off. Cumberbatch has no idea what a cowboy is. He jangles and jingles with exaggerated sounds of the west and comical highwaters but only his butt stood out. His pronunciation of "fatso" held no effect because he didn't know what the fuck it was. It's not a fact, it's a genial insult. His slow drawl compensates for an accent with no attachment to history. He is miscast because the safety of the participants prevails great art. No one is going to take a chance on a toxic male presence for reality's sake. Rick from The Walking Dead would have made a savage cowboy. Jane Campion is obsessed with certain keys of the piano and noises that no one else finds comforting. Kirsten Dunst would have given an award worthy performance if someone had written her one. Her character is scattered and listless. Hiring a tall boy doesn't diminish the film going Brokeback with a child. The film may not consummate it but we're not stupid. Jane Campion spends so much time lingering that the thought is lost. 06-Dec-2021

Tags: 2020s, Art Devoid, Bad Acting, Depressing, Director Slouch, Drama, Fatigue, Gay Swatch, Inactivity, Preposterous, Relationships, Star Watt, Tedium, Timid, Too Long, Vague

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06-Dec-2021


Black Widow (2021) Whimper

Frivolous conversations, uninventive action, uninspiring support and bad Russian speak make for a non-movie event. 14-Oct-2021

Tags: 2020s, Action, Bad Acting, Camp, Comic Book, Director Slouch, Drama, Ear Prick, Fantasy, Fatigue, Grating, Macho Posing, Predictable, Preposterous, Silly, Slow, Star Watt, Timid, Unfunny, Writer Humiliation

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14-Oct-2021


Cruella (2021) Whimper

It rewrites history by replacing evil with benign cruelty and dog hugs. The Emmas were royal, the doggies were cute and the support was on call. Cruella's transformation never coalesces with the original character. She's a naughty bottom feeder with asshole friends, who snuggles with furries she later eats, is a career opportunist and an apocalyptic disaster waiting to happen but she's very sweet. (Glenn Close laugh!) 13-Sep-2021

Tags: 2020s, By the Numbers, Camp, Chemistry, Comedy, Daddy Squish, Director Slouch, Disappointment, Drama, Fantasy, Fatigue, Over the Top, Preposterous, Silly, Slow, Star Watt, Timid, Writ w/Possibilities

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13-Sep-2021


Clovehitch Killer, The (2018) Arf

It's based on a historical serial killer but it's not. Boy's disinterest in crime history is tested when he stumbles upon evidence that may incriminate a loved one. A teen investigation ensues. Obvious clues don't allow the mystery to spring forward. The family does not generate enough emotion to evoke compassion. There is no new imagination. Are we supposed to act like we don't know who the killer is? It's directed that way. Charlie Plummer pulled away at the proximity of Dylan McDermott. That would have been useful for some guttural acting but no one thought of it. Dylan mocks his character and has no idea how to preach about God. We're cheering for a family that sucks and a film that associates cross dressing with psychos. 19-Jun-2021

Tags: 2010s, Accidental Watch, By the Numbers, Conspiracy Theory, Director Slouch, Drama, Fatigue, Horror, Mystery, Oncer, Predictable, Preposterous, Silly, Star Watt, Writ w/Possibilities

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19-Jun-2021


Woman In The Window (2021) Whimper

A cheap thriller receiving attention because an acting powerhouse is in it. Production invited stellar actors to deliver supporting one notes. Why bother? The writers and director are faulted for having no perceptive style and for thinking that hiding and boo is the only adult scare tactic. I would have fired them, handed the camera to Amy and told the actors to wing it. 21-May-2021

Tags: 2020s, Art Devoid, Depressing, Dialogue Lament, Director Slouch, Disappointment, Drama, False Action, Fatigue, Good Acting, Over the Top, Preposterous, Repetitive, Star Watt, Thriller, Timid

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21-May-2021


Mrs. Winterbourne (1996) Whimper

With a confident lead this might have been a cute comedy. 18 year old naif decides that New York is the place for her to establish success. Porn director introduces himself at the train station, impresses her, she moves in, she gets pregnant against his wishes, she doesn't abort and he kicks her out. She ends up in a fancy train to Boston with another pregnant woman and her charming husband. Tragedy happens. She and her child are accidentally mislabeled Winterbournes at the hospital and mother is forcefully marched to the Winterbourne estate to meet the mother and brother of the deceased. The fraud works because they've never met before. Miguel Sandoval was a pleasant contribution as a surrogate father to the boys and a gay butler privy to sex with rough trade. Brendan Fraser was at his prettiest, Shirley MacLaine was at her wittiest but Ricki Lake was a nerf ball. You can throw it around and manipulate it to land somewhere but it doesn't move by itself. Even the makeover was underwhelming. She went from Ricki Lake the actress to Ricki Lake the broadcaster. The baby was excellent. 05-May-2021

Tags: 1990s, Accidental Watch, Camp, Chemistry, Comedy, Daddy Squish, Director Slouch, Funny, Sort of, Gay Swatch, Preposterous, Relationships, Sap, Star Watt, Sweet, Weird, Wit Crack, Wit Snit, Words Spoke, Writ w/Possibilities

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05-May-2021


Promising Young Woman (2020) Arf

It's a perfect outline for Catwoman. The anticipation of her masking up and punishing would have been worth the slog. Carey Mulligan keeps a dead expression throughout a lifelong career of avenging a wrongdoing to a friend. She doesn't revel in her revenge. She feels without actually feeling.

A psycho gets off on its craft, sexually, mentally and or physically. This is why directors yell things like, "loosen the fuck up!" to actors. This was a missed opportunity for Mulligan to create her own Joker but she refused to laugh. The ending would have banged harder had she been Catwoman or Halle Berry. 07-Apr-2021

Tags: 2020s, Chemistry, Director Slouch, Disappointment, Drama, Fatigue, Political, Preposterous, Shrill Act, Timid, Wit Crack, Wit Snit, Writ w/Possibilities

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07-Apr-2021


Block Island Sound, The (2020) Bites

Wildlife is dying rapidly, daddy is acting strange, daughter has returned to investigate and brother is losing it. A conspiracy theorist is onboard to tell us what creativity can't show us and another sister joins to hate, mostly her brother. The ending is "WhyTF did I waste my time watching this shit?" 25-Mar-2021

Tags: 2020s, Accidental Watch, Conspiracy Theory, Depressing, Director Slouch, False Action, Fatigue, Horror, Preposterous, Relationships, Silly, Slow, Timid, Unenthusiastic, Vague, Words Spoke

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25-Mar-2021


Self/Less (2015) Whimper

Dying rich old fart with regrets decides to enroll in a new experiment where they transfer your brain onto Ryan Reynolds body. The director doesn't allow the old man to play with himself as soon as he's alone as Reynolds. Bummer. It's a grim and bumpy ride. I thought the ending was sweet but I wish I hadn't seen it coming halfway in. Not worth the bullets or the destruction. 09-Mar-2021

Tags: 2010s, Accidental Watch, Action, By the Numbers, Conspiracy Theory, Daddy Squish, Director Slouch, Drama, Fatigue, Over the Top, Relationships, Sentimental, Star Watt, Thriller, Timid, Unenthusiastic, Writ w/Possibilities

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09-Mar-2021


Mulan (2020) Arf

It's so hellbent on announcing what it is before it becomes that it fails. 29-Jan-2021

Tags: 2020s, Action, Action Fun, Art Devoid, By the Numbers, Daddy Squish, Director Slouch, Disappointment, Drama, Fatigue, Hot Swatch, Musical Bombast, Silly, Timid, War

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29-Jan-2021


Rust Creek (2018)  Whimper

Little girl with a city attitude thinks she can ruff it in the wild where dicks run free and viagra doesn't help. It's an ode to hillbilly hate, police corruption and fine young specimens in peril. Nothing works, the whole is an extension to corroborate a repetitive premise whose replacement parts don't carry on. Poor stupid girl. 07-Dec-2020

Tags: 2010s, Accidental Watch, Chemistry, Director Slouch, Drama, Fatigue, Macho Posing, Mystery, Shrill Act, Silly, Suspense, Thriller, Timid, Wit Crack

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07-Dec-2020


Smurfs: The Lost Village (2017) Bites

Surprise. Eliminating Hank Azaria as Gargamel does not make a Smurf franchise better. Besides being objectified, gangbanged and being a procreator, Smurfette is confused about her purpose. She goes on an unenviable adventure to find herself amid little care from the audience. The best stories do not have big bang adventures. They stay close to home so we can empathize with them. Girl Smurf explores and becomes at Lesbian Forest but returns to Smurf Village for the bangs. Sounds about right. 09-Nov-2020

Tags: 2010s, Accidental Watch, Action Stomper, Brutal, By the Numbers, Camp, Corn, Dialogue Lament, Director Slouch, Fantasy, Fatigue, Manipulation, Mean Spirited, Over the Top, Preposterous, Tacky, Vague, Weird

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09-Nov-2020


Last Christmas (2019) Whimper

The mother of dragons goes goofy and messy to the legendary tunes of George Michael. Emilia Clarke leads with little sense. She's on a hurtful journey that should have been poignant but is annoying. Henry Golding is hot daddy giant with a glass wall constantly in front of him. Michelle Yeoh (Santa indeed) captivates with elegance, deliciousness and talent. Every actor was directed to pitch to the back audience as if it were a play. No need for that in a film. We don't want it corny but a little less cranky, maybe. Christmas is saturated with lights, the word Jesus in small letters are bountiful and the repetition of a song George Michael would resuscitate from to kill, dominates. There were so many beautiful things the director could have applied to Michael's music but decided basic was better. The ending is a surprising memorable copout. The lead character is insane. 05-Nov-2020

Tags: 2010s, Camp, Comedy, Crapfun, Cultural, Dialogue Lament, Director Slouch, Drama, Elegance, Fantasy, Fatigue, Grating, Hot Swatch, Mean Spirited, Music Swings, Preposterous, Squish Alert, Star Watt, Tacky, Tough, Wit Crack, Wit Snit, Writ w/Possibilities

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05-Nov-2020




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