All Posts Tagged as 'Crapfun'
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Claudelle Inglish (1961)
Farmer's daughter is in full bloom and her scent is driving all the boys/men crazy. The most beautiful boy in the world yanks the flower from its stem, treats her real nice and gets engaged to her before his deployment. Claudelle's mother is the most disgusted wife in America. She loathes the hard work, 20 years of false promises and humiliating poverty. Claudelle's boy may be beautiful but he's a sucker farmer like daddy. Mother wanted better for her daughter. She deserved gifts, pampering and immunity. Girl doesn't care he's poor. She's in love. Daddy agrees. He is a romantic loser who thinks that memories of courting his wife are enough to survive hardship. Beautiful boy spends a year in the army, romantic letters ensue and tragic news upsets her future. The town boys/men pounce. She negates then accepts. Her scent becomes toxic. Every present was a reminder of how far she went. Her room was stacked. Her dad had a humiliating conversation with his boss about marrying his daughter. The boss was older than daddy and the reason the family were poor. I'm assuming that Claudelle slept with every father and son in town except for her dad and the Reverend. My mouth was agape at every sharp turn. Claudelle did as mother said and used sex to liberate herself of men because men are victims of promises they can't keep. 20-Apr-2021
90 Day Fiancee: Tell All (2021)
The legend of the Leprechaun
Pt.2. Tarik and Hazel. Why is everyone pretending Tarik doesn't want to fuck Minty? Dude, her name is Minty. Minty doesn't like women but she's pretending to so she can steal Hazel's green card. "Bitch, get your own chump!" Andrew and Amira. I'm surprised she can travel. She doesn't move much.
It ended abruptly and it was Natalie's turn. WTF?! 19-Apr-2021
Pt.1. Yara & Jovi. Jovi likes strippers because they make him cum. Mike & Natalie. Natalie might qualify for "best supporting actress in a documentary" at next year's Academy Awards. Mike is a beastly leprechaun. He promises her his pot of gold then takes it back. The beast got shot projectiles for finding a unique way to explain cheating on Natalie. The prize for the humiliation is five years of extra fucks for him and a smelly closet, a freezing home, a pig, carrots and some company for her. I hope someone asks Natalie if she's a hardcore fan of Alison Argram who played Nellie Oleson on Little House... Brandon & Julia. Julia gave all the males woodies and squirms whilst describing her career, esp. Jovi and Brandon's dad. The Boy's mother almost choked from twitching closed her emotions. Rebecca & Zied. Tiffany's friend flirted with Zied and fucked Tiffany's husband. His guilt oozed right off the screen even though nobody accused him of anything. Zied didn't fuck Rebecca when she got naked in the hot tub because the lighting was off. Andrew & Amira. She couldn't breathe so she put a sexy bustier on to help the oxygen circulate. Andrew got his hair ironed for nothing. 13-Apr-2021
Can a failed secret affair cause a woman temporary insanity? Sure. The film piles plenty of symptoms and Joan Crawford obsesses about inhabiting all of them. She's haunted, Scream Queen, scared, frightful, conniving, confused, grating, bitchy, mother farcical and "don't fuck with me" Joan. She splits every arc into a different character. It was brilliantly insane but it didn't work. The man that made her brain ache played the piano, was a wordmeister, could fuck and always looked tired. He dumps her on the eve of her first hallucination whilst continuing to remain in each other's lives. He's just as crazy as she is except he's not getting diagnosed because he is not a "woman." After being told countless of times that he would never love her, she marries an old rich bastard to get his goat, he "up yours" her by proposing to her stepdaughter and Ms. Joan has a ball going nuts. Unbelievable psychology and too much genre (drama, horror, mystery, crime, comedy, romance, musical, etc.) deflate it.
(People that are crazy don't know they're crazy.) 14-Apr-2021
What Lies Below (2020)
The fun begins as soon as Trey Tucker parts from the water. Mother has a new boyfriend. He's a Hallmark envelope with extra glue to lick. Mother may be feeling the olds but she's fucking Trey Tucker! Get out! Daughter wants a piece of him too! A character becomes obsessed and another gets killed? No? The film's personality zig zags. The fun ends when the film changes outlook and the feelings it previously drudges up don't get finalized. Our investment goes unacknowledged. It explores beyond what it needed to, in a cruel manner. 10-Apr-2021
A beautifully crafted animation about unlocking traditional magic. Two brothers accidentally cast a spell that resurrects half of dad. No head or heart just crotch, ass, legs and feet. He profiles like a predator. It taps their shoes to announce to victims they've been found.
My version: boy triggers a spell that brings complete daddy back. If they want to keep him they have 24 hours to venture out and make it happen. They bond. They have beautiful memories and grand adventures without having to endure memorizing daddy's crotch and ass for 24 hours. Takeoff! Did cartoon daddy walk off the set in a huff? The filmmakers could not realize a finale for us. It was all hearsay. 08-Apr-2021
Pleasantries are spoiled by disappointments. It parodies all fairytales then drenches them with honey. Wilmer Valderrama is drawn like a long faced witch with big dick attitude and no substance. The brides are Godzilla stupid but the music is nice and the singing is delightful. Long-faced cartoons are not charming. 05-Apr-2021
Deadly Illusions (2021)
Kristin Davis helms an asinine parent who hires a vibrant and stainless nanny to temporarily raise her children whilst she finishes her novel. With the children occupied, mama is able to walk the town freely, jump naked in the pool, smoke cigars, drink and get her labia lip smacked by a teenaged nanny. The sex isn't for exploration. It's cold and unimportant because the sex tease is an excuse to keep us interested and fooled. The nanny spends as much time with the kids as the parents. Where the fuck were those kids? Daddy exists to spill his juice and to pantomime what a real man looks like. It all culminates like "Fatal Attraction" trash with old daddy fighting for his life in a shower, wearing only a towel. Embarrassingly funny. 23-Mar-2021
Acapulco Shore (2014-)
The men are supreme alpha dogs. The girls keep tripping on penis and alcohol on their way to womanhood. Welcome to a fucker's paradise. The sexes loathe each other as much as the American version except the Mexican men are allowed to call the women messy, hairy and girlish whores as the women are free to be messy, hairy and girlish whores. 18-Mar-2021
Juvenile delinquent gets kidnapped and trained to become an Anastasia for a needy wealthy matriarch. If the thieves can gain access to the house and decipher a code they become rich. Helen Hayes adds the sweet and gullible to a grandma that gets conned. Nivens is an adorable elegant servant and awarded a "squishy at any age" merit medal. Foster made it comfortable and joyful to watch her "cowboy up." No Disney princess makeovers for her. The caper is time-sensitive, the action is clunky but the babies gushed and direction allowed everyone the freedom to be who they were. 16-Mar-2021
War With Grandpa, The (2020)
Spoiled kid starts a war with grandpa when hardship hits the elder and he has to move in with daughter and family. Mom and dad evict boy from his room so grandpa can die in it. The mistake is starting a war at all. Grandpa is too cute for mistreatment. Had the hijinks been pranks instead of combat they would have elicited warm feelings. The adults were jelling and the kids were posting but most of the pranks were classic TV lame. 13-Mar-2021
Casados Con Hijos (2004-)
Married With Children adapted for Colombian TV. The cast and writers are frying the American version in nastiness. They break all the rules that we police. Al is ridiculous and mama makes Peggy proud. Bud fucks his uncle's wife before the wedding and Kelly literally fucks the whole town. It's free, it's stupid, it makes me laugh before singing me to sleep. There's nothing like family. 06-Mar-2021
I perceive things the way they might be viewed in the future. It's not good stand-alone art unless you're a historian. The finale perpetuated no grand slam due to identical hero/villain strikes. Hulk didn't show up to break the barrier down and Kathryn Hahn is the professional you hire when Idina Menzel's understudy gets sick. It was grand showboating without the Disney magic. If Idina had sung Wanda out of the stratosphere, it would have been brilliant. I was so sick of her. 05-Mar-2021
It's a brilliant idea that doesn't understand what a classic sitcom is. Hidden treasures abound if we do our homework and expand our flight experience. Why? I just want to be entertained. Show us. When did Elizabeth Olson take up blinking? That is an actor's death knell. Stop blinking! What I'm watching is a disappointment and an excuse to tease us to watch something that gives nothing but clues. 18-Jan-2021
Moon-Spinners, The (1964)
Disney explores its sexual proclivities. Youngling travels to Crete with doting aunt (she dotes and travels with young succulence in order to elicit a fuck. From anyone!) Virginal child gets entangled in desires, foreign thieves, rapists, connivers and murderers. Girl power privilege in a foreign land. Pola Negri's Madame Habib makes you happy you remained but the caper is silly shit. 04-Mar-2021
Rental, The (2020)
Renting a luxury home owned by white supremacists when there is a minority in the group. The cast met the challenge, relationships were established but the surprise was overdue. It doesn't make sense that it would choose this particular moment to explode. They simplified the monster to avoid an impact. Franco insanity make the colors more vibrant but the director's lack of mythology gave us no reason to care about it.
Next time, go nuts! 01-Mar-2021
Swiss Family Robinson (1960)
Swiss family travel the high seas to claim new land and eco-trash it. Pirates attack their ship as they sleep, all the passengers jump to safety and nobody bothers to awaken them. Were they not liked? They were probably snooty. TG they left an animal farm, nails and enough ammo to kill an army. Shipwrecked. The Ewoks would have barked at the unrealism the family used to erect a tree palace but it's fun Disney magic. As they settle into tranquility the parents ponder the future of their three sons. The boys would inherit nothing without women to love lest they do the animals or worst, each other. A trans boy makes it onto the island and Cain and Abel are awakened to some sexual clarity. It's preposterously gorgeous, impossible, animalistic, adventurous, violent and joyous. 28-Feb-2021