Movies Posts Tagged as 'Crapfun'
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Rental, The (2020)
Renting a luxury home owned by white supremacists when there is a minority in the group. The cast met the challenge, relationships were established but the surprise was overdue. It doesn't make sense that it would choose this particular moment to explode. They simplified the monster to avoid an impact. Franco insanity make the colors more vibrant but the director's lack of mythology gave us no reason to care about it.
Next time, go nuts! 01-Mar-2021
Swiss Family Robinson (1960)
Swiss family travel the high seas to claim new land and eco-trash it. Pirates attack the ship as they sleep, all the passengers jump to safety and nobody awakens them. Were they not liked? They were probably snooty. TG they left an animal farm, nails and enough ammo to kill an army. Shipwrecked. The Ewoks would have barked at the unrealism of the home the family creates for itself on new land but it has Disney magic and it's fun to watch. As they settle into tranquility the parents ponder the future of their three sons. The boys would inherit nothing without women to love lest they do the animals or worst, each other. A trans boy makes it onto the island and Cain and Abel are awakened to some sexual clarity. It's preposterously gorgeous, impossible, animalistic, adventurous, violent and joyous. 28-Feb-2021
Pete's Dragon (1977)
As a child I was terrified that the corniness of the film would kill me so I never bothered to watch it. It's corny with dragon balls. Green dragon appears to a runaway slave in need of help. The mythology of why the dragon appears or who sent him is slight. The boy's buyers are backwoods insane with a penchant for punishing children with violence and physical labor. Little boy slave flees with his dragon to Karentown where he meets the liberated mom of his magical dreams in a town not easily convinced by his dirty face. Elliot the dragon is not as big as you'd expect, probably because a kid imagined him, he's green with fairy wings and a mohawk. I thought he was going to talk. He does not talk. He murmurs? He also acts like a bumbling dog and can become invisible. You can feel the smallness of the town and the film. It's quaint with great aspirations. 16-Feb-2021
Million Dollar Duck (1971)
Dean Jones may have looked tired but he was worth rescuing. Sandy Duncan hinted at intelligent comedic capabilities. A cute kid, a Disney radiated duck and a scrupulous cast kept the ridiculous from permeating. The duck shat gold. Sweet, funny and imaginary nonsense. Grandma will love it! 08-Feb-2021
Bedknobs And Broomsticks (1971)
At the age of nine my gay aunt took me to see this film. It was my first time in an American Movie Theater. Of course mother took me to the theater but it had to be in Spanish and include softcore porn, party music and/or sadistic violence. I saw that shit everyday. I wanted magic.
A witch that needs one last spell to obliterate the Nazis. Awesome education for kids. Show them who the enemy is. Angela Lansbury weaved spells and lulled me soundly to sleep. Charming no-nonsense woman. The spells were clever, the effects maintained the innocence of the time and the magic was reestablished. The writers concocted fairytales from the jumble in kids' heads and made sense of them. The music, the production, the fun and great sportsmanship kept the gift alive. Thank you, Auntie. 08-Feb-2021
Star Wars: Attack Of The Clones (2002)
Ewan Mcgregor found the force. Samuel L. Jackson couldn't give two shits. Christopher Lee honored his count. Natalie Portman settled in. Hayden Christensen was anemic and woozy and almost vomited all over the film except that the magic of George Lucas was dominant and triumphant. TG. Can't we CG him out? More universe is explored, Jango Fett and Yoda kicked ass and the adventure was accomplished. I loved playing this game. 05-Feb-2021
New Mutants, The (2020)
Caged mutants. It stifles their capabilities and our enjoyment. I want to see them conquer the world that is familiar to us. It takes cues from the Freddy Krueger series, ho humming along and invading the lab rats' nightmares. Big Bad is stale and the action needed some throwback. Misplaced hair is my pet peeve. There's loads of it. The lesbians elicited some heart, Sunspot singed some hard-ons and the rest needed something to believe. So did we. 03-Feb-2021
Our Mother's House (1967)
An abandoned mother of 7 dies leaving her kids to fend for themselves. She wills them her home, a little money, some deceit and a crazy long lost daddy. Daddy appears after many years of who cares to stir their hearts and a lot of trouble. The children rule and punish like the bible teaches them. They enshrine their mother, inhabit her spirit and pretend she has answers for them. These are some really fucked up people. It felt nostalgic visiting them but the suffering was hell. 31-Jan-2021
Maleficent: Mistress Of Evil (2019)
Jolie's Maleficent is a sublime creature that never got a good movie written about her. Her work remains unmatched. Jolie, learning etiquette was funny and bright. The dinner choreography didn't make sense. Maleficent overreacted when the prospective in-laws hadn't hit her soft spot yet. Her denial of murder should have been the catalyst. Once the scene is set, it skits, stalls, enchants and sentimentalizes. It's better than the first one.
Also, don't call a witch evil unless she eats babies. 21-Jan-2021
First Wives Club, The (1996)
A feminist excuse to avenge a man for wanting tighter lips. Great actress charm deduced to a stigma. If feminism was all about cutting daddy's dick why all the fuss to get their children married? More witnesses? What the fuck is the difference between a regular lesbian and a big one? More tongue? 02-Jan-2021
Rock-A-Bye Baby (1958)
Starlet is knocked up by a Mexican bullfighter that she drunkenly married one day and literally died the next. Her career is on the upswing. Her next film is entitled "The White Virgin Of The Nile." With no recourse she turns to her childhood buddy and hometown slub to babysit her babies after secretly giving birth and whilst she makes the film. Jerry Lewis' exasperating talent is at half mast. When he lets loose we cringe, when he sings and curls his lip we bite ours. He won't let comedy be. He needs to smash it with babyface spasms and off-color perversity. He doesn't matter one bit. It's a beautiful film to observe. The music is light, the story is sweet and life was simple. Marilyn Maxwell exemplifies the Hollywood Goddesses of her time and the clothes accentuated her power. Connie Stevens was purity enchantment. It's a piece of candy I didn't want but I tried it and couldn't stop eating or talking about it. 20-Dec-2020
A California Christmas (2020)
A woman can't do everything. Rich Californians gobble up real estate so they can turn the future into an unscientific reality. Hot country girl can't maintain the farm, has an ailing mother and a spunky sister. Hotter rich player schemes to get her to sell him her home at an astronomical price so they can build malls or something. He infiltrates the cowgirl's pants by pretending to be a Mexican ranch hand. Hotter is a beautiful mix of Superboy eggs and Zac DNA. Whomever was in charge of casting needs to be hired for our next gay friendly Christmas preach. I don't want to see people like myself on a screen that I pay for. We want the people that God granted the gift of beauty to. He wants us to be inspired by his art. So we shall. This film pays homage to that. The music makes you want to see it again, the actors hee and haw pleasantly and chemistry kills stupidity. Ass hugging crotch enhancing jeans, hot old daddy servants, wenches, witches, lesbians, Mexicans... Manny and Ali as lovers would have been adorable. It's a crappy gorgeous joy ride. As soon as Superboy ripped a child out of a female vagina, I was in. 17-Dec-2020
It mindfucks from the beginning. It's told out of sequence and it has something to do with a gay rock that grants the grabber wishes. Unfortunately, the wishes make you see the ridiculousness in them as they come to fruition. The effects are genuinely gross and creative, the kids exceed expectations, the film is hilarious and that guy from Two and Half Men is in it and he doesn't grate. I had so much fun. 04-Dec-2020
Nobody Sleeps In The Woods Tonight (2020)
Parents send their tech dependent children to nature camp to enforce the value of social interaction and gain survival skills. The bootcamp is a military wasteland. It splits them into teams and focuses on hikes, challenges and camaraderie to allow them to use the tech in their brains. You can also make friends. Good ensemble pulls you in as the movie keeps taking them out. It starts to hurt a little. The threat is a mess. We like our deformed bubblies with masks on and butch gear. It's yuck and impossible to look at. The pimply hillbilly troll backstory didn't help. It was preposterous. I withstood the gore and porn violence because of the cast, the kids, the representation, the dialogue, the awkwardness, the scared lesbian, the sexual limitations of tech sex, following natural reaction protocol and because they are us. The beast is in desperate need of a glam attack. It needs Jason's virility, Michael Myers' stamina and Freddy's humor and waist. It prepares us for death by tingling other parts of our body. Ick. 02-Dec-2020
Two On A Guillotine (1965)
A most preposterous thing. Cesar Romero AKA first Joker is a magician with a sordid past and a death certificate. He promises in life that resusitating from death will be his greatest trick. He dies, estranged and long lost daughter shows up and wins his inheritance. If she can withstand a stay in his tacky castle of magic booby traps for whatever time period they specified, she will be legally rich. There is a dumbwaiter and a maid frock ready and willing to share the riches if she fails. Connie Stevens was a wasted asset asked to look like perfection, scream normally, scream hysterically and faint at the sight of a Tiffany lamp... for hours. Cesar was under appreciated and underutilized. Dean Jones gave me baby hard-ons when he was trying to sell me a golden egg at Disney but is creepmeister now. He's fuckable with a swifty dump date. The rabbit knows all the scares, the reactions are ridiculous, the father becomes incestuous and the whole thing, except for Connie's hair is hilarious. 27-Nov-2020