All Posts Tagged as 'Crapfun'
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Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice (2024)
It was good. 26-Dec-2024
Red One (2024)
It was a jolly merry Christmas movie. Daddy Johnson downplayed it and wrung emotion and hilarity out of it. Chris Evans rejected heroic valor and was cute again. JK Simmons can eat my cookies, anytime. Lucy Liu had a purpose. Krampus was impressive. Kiernan was having fun. Every hole in the story gets punched up by mini-Dwayne kickassing, his jacket, his teeth, reindeer muscle, snowmen beaching, toys, gadgets, lights, magic, witches, twinks, candies, memories, regrets and fun. Sounds like Christmas to me. 20-Dec-2024
Ultimatum, The (2024)
I get anxious whenever I hear Sandy's voice. She sounds like a spoiled housewife with a lozenge stuck in her throat and her reasoning for everything is ludicrous. I was disappointed that the Lacheys did not comfort Nick for having strong feelings about Sandy's infidelity. She claims that her and JR only kissed twice but cameras beg to differ. There were make-out sessions with extra cuddles under the sheets with no wet willies or stiff underwoods guaranteed and the bedbugs elicited the moans the cameramen thought they heard. Madame Web has spun her web and entrapped two gullible and dependent men in it. She is no victim. She likes them because they are not superheroes but think they are. I'm surprised the Lacheys didn't suggest JR whip out his dick for Nick (not Lachey) to suck. They humiliated that man mercilessly. Sandy brings out the toxic in me. TG it's almost over. Everything JR says is nonsense. Big men don't pretend they're on Fantasy Island on Max, don't want to get married but can't shut up about wanting it and oozes hostility when the jig is up. Is Zaina buying JR's love or paying for her exit? I still dig Caleb. He's the only one who tried to stand up to reason. His mystery deepens. He exists in his own little planet of misfit toys crashing onto earth. He acts like an over-chilled teen that mommy Mariah is afraid to disappoint because he will rebel and she'll have to have sex post relationship. When the original couples reunited it turned into a "how was school today, honey?" type scenario. After cashing in all the vouchers the producers promised them, every person was enlightened, the fairy tale is real, men never get woodies while cuddling, that bitch was not crying over her dog or JR, women are consumed by victimhood, asshole parents make asshole children who want to make more asshole children, the producers made them say that because 4 people thought the show was shit and this has been a turned-off season. 13-Dec-2024
Zaina and J.R. came to play. Neither has regard for the other or anybody else. Sandy came to annoy her lover and fuck hot shit. J.R. disrespected every man when he barred his fake wife from consoling her desperate husband after finding out their intimacy went too far. Morality clauses state that all couples must break up before embarking in new matrimony. Nick came to lose it, get free psychotherapy and nerve pills. Caleb's mellow puts me in a trance and it's why I presume Mariah is well-spoken but blank. He turns them into robots. He's sexy until he starts re-programming you. He turned Aria into a Stepford. 4 people woke up and realized the madness of The Lacheys and abruptly departed like in the island of Dr. Moreau. Exactly how many other people did the Lacheys fuck to realize they belong together? After the contestants departed the show became insecure and gave us more of what we didn't want. J. R. and Sandy's horny gas lighting. I want to fuck them both and hand them over to Pazuzu for some lady cement and calf extensions. You bet I'd watch the porn tape, but make no mistakes these aren't marrying candidates. They want to get married so they can pretend to be happy whilst performing diabolical sexual acts on others. J.R. and Sandy deserve most unfeeling humans honors. Nick should have been given an ultimatum, to cruise establishments that cater to singles and find another match or the experiment is over for the whore. "J.R., please remove your dick from my future wife's face." 08-Dec-2024
Subservience (2024)
It adds enough to the genre to make it interesting but it doesn't supply enough tech or empathetic reasoning to make it a classic. Ms. Fox is a royal maximizer of presence and a soulless entity suits her well. Michelle Morone made me want to go to the bathroom and jerk off to straight italian porn. Madeline Zima played a thankless role that depended solely on her likability and that's better than nothing. The movie satisfied but didn't satiate. More tech or more sex would have knocked it towards art park. No budget for more tech means they would have to physically create it. So, create it. Hubby would have become addicted to robot sex because that's what men do. "I only fucked her a few hundred times, sweetie. I was practicing for when you got your heart back. I didn't want to disappoint you." 09-Dec-2024
Merry Men, The (2024)
There's more than stupidity going on here. The cast is amiable and hardworking. Britt is a misdiagnosed charmer. Prattes legs were mesmerizing, it's fun to see old witches again, Maxwell Caulfield's moment was a go daddy thing, Chad Michael Murray had the body, the robotics, enthusiasm and Farrah's hair. They derailed the "hate at first love" train and depicted how people really get together. I didn't stay for the pancakes but I waited for the bacon. Merry whatever the fucks! 25-Nov-2024
Deadpool and Wolverine (2024)
If I were a dog, I'd lick them all. 18-Nov-2024
Bad Moon, The (1996)
As soon as I realized the original material centered around a pet beast, my mind started to baton twirl. Thor was the title and the name of the dog. But, the movie is about a werewolf, a mother and son, or is it? Mariel Hemingway was peak star watt that carried the weight of the movie's heart. The son is there to make the dog look good. Michael Pare was a one-time specimen that carried out his mission like a rebellious animal. Romance violently exits in the first 10 minutes, a brother/sister/uncle dynamic takes its place, Thor was the best actor and the transformation didn't suck. Man vs beast has been re-re-written so they tried something else. How does a dog protect his family when uncle is the king of canines and the myth rules don't apply? 05-Nov-2024
Curse Of The Necklace, The (2024)
Everyone and everything is on the cusp, elements are appreciated and nonsense can be fun. 30-Oct-2024
Don't Move (2024)
How does a suicidal woman survive when faced with danger? She puts her life-training to use because it's not death on her terms. Kelsey and Finn jelled. He rang a Hal Cooper bell. Suspense was tight and empathetic. We are in throughout the main's survival journey. Same'o circumstances upgraded. 28-Oct-2024
Love Is Blind (2020-)
I hope Ramses gets to keep his balls. He didn't know that keeping your balls was part of the experiment. I hope Ashley wakes up from reality and the added expense she has taken on. Keep fucking Tyler but don't give him a kid. Oh and film it. Surrogate, my ass. 23-Oct-2024
Marissa's mother summed everything up. "If you hurt my bitch daughter I will cut your balls off." It's a misnomer to think that love isn't hurt when that's all love is. Yes, we are going to love, fuck it up, change our minds, get the yucks, find others attractive, cheat, maybe, doubt, feel, die, get sick, get better, repeat ourselves, transition, evolve and escape. A thin Hannah on TV sounds like a horrific thing. I think it is beneficial that Ramses switches team. Taylor and Garrett don't gel because they fit. Nick needs to win an award for "Most Tolerant Contestant Without Resorting to Violence." Ashley needs to fuck Tyler a few hundred times, film it, dump him and send the rushes to me. Alexandra and Tim. He needs an active model that isn't inflatable. 18-Oct-2024
I wanted to see more thigh, not this. The show fell and hit its head and a concussion was inevitable. There has to be a reason why Hannah is so popular. She scares me. Marissa's family had no business criticizing her fiancee's appearance without knowing him. Not only did the mother call her own daughter a bitch but she threatened Ramses with violence on national TV. Future bitch comparisons when they argue are forever. (I want to shave him so bad.) Nick, why doesn't your mustache connect to the beard? Tim was a disappointment. Not all squish is good and not all secrets are kosher. Stephen and Monica. Okay. This would have been the perfect occasion to bring flowers and a gift. 12-Oct-2024
S7E7. The vacation was a kindergartener's "first day" type of thing. The couples were blasted to la la land where the only dream that came true were worst case scenarios. The contestants dream so convincingly that it becomes a fake reality that doesn't prepare them for the future. Confidence is knowing where you're going no matter what stops you. Garrett shaved but I didn't notice a difference. Everything Hannah planned is working. She's there for the endgame. She didn't want her second choice but didn't allow her buddy to have him either. The key word was "shut up girl, it's none of your business." Leo deserves her. Monica. Ms. Plantation treats her husband like a butler. How does she stay so thin? She doesn't move. He gets everything for her. Everything but flowers and gifts because you can't show love without cash. She shushes him like a dog when she thinks it's her turn to talk. "Who's a good doggie?" What has she done to deserve gifts? Tim and Alex. I don't remember their tiff but it rang a huge alarm. She was off and listless. Marissa and Ramses. Somewhere in her sea of militarism was a hot dick, I'm sure. Why else talk about it incessantly? Why doesn't she just blowhorn into Ramses ear that he better be toxic or the fumes aren't happening. I wanted to invite Monica over to shush her. 11-Oct-2024
S7E6. The Lacheys provided an environment that would make the meekest male contestant undress. Hooray for us. Even though the hairier ones set off panic buttons, the men were all lovely and diverse. Ramses deserves a better backstory and a tremendous makeover. Representing a time not connected to us isn't cool. Stephen is a nice man awakening to nefarious deeds. I want a Tyler doll with clothes and without options and a reasonable licking rate. Tim is as shy as a butterfly. Nick D. is a gnome gone hot and it's hard to describe why. If men don't want to be used for their money, they shouldn't talk about it incessantly. "It's like he's asking for it. Should I take it, should I not? Is it impolite to refuse? Is it legal?" Leo equates success with love. His spidey legs are tingly with a drop of venom. Garrett is all smiles, ready to crack. Tim is the cutie with no thigh time and a future mama that doesn't know how to kiss his insecurities goodbye. Squish and water make for magnificent foreplay. Bohdan was the prettiest and most dangerous. 13-Mar-2024
Marriage Is Blind: Habibi (2024-)
The ladies voted and it was unanimous. The only traditions they want to uphold are the ones with parties. 19-Oct-2024
The men are all manmeat and the ladies are fantasy dolls. It's a dazzling community that does everything different because their transition is just a facade. Women are embracing it like the fable served to them by the universe that is rarely achieved. They want to be women of the now but the strength of man and family holds them down. They can only look the part. The men gain might by sticking to traditions that don't assist either sex in marriage. She roams his castle in chains. He roams the town tying females up. They are not allowed kissing, fondling or co-habitation which suffices for an interesting working vacation but not love. The sexes fall in love at a rapid pace. They have a script written and they're going to play it out no matter the expense. Jealousy is a big thing because they're always horny and there is always another Barbie or Ken to fantasize about. A man demands that his future wife not be a dancer, a Barbie treated her fiancee like she was being paid, women have a better sense of identity than men, women want to fly and men only want to fly a kite. There is fun to be had when the ladies awaken and the men get spit upon. Educational incredulity in a very nice package. 18-Oct-2024
Uglies (2024)
Interesting premise that has no solid fictional reference to back it up. The idea that you get surgery at 16 to look your most beautiful self and be happy is fraudulent. Why didn't the people revolt before they agreed to a ludicrous way of living? What happens to the naturally beautiful? Vanity purists wouldn't allow that type of interruption to their legacy. Is there anything uglier than uglies? Do they step up to ugly status when the others reach nirvana? How many mothers popped ugly babies for society to enact such a rule? The baddie was a borderline dystopian with comic book strokes. If the rulers can manipulate the people to overhaul ugly, why go to the next extreme? The beauty is for whom? I liked Nose better before he turned into a Final Fantasy character. The movie made me self conscious of the lead's looks. I was judging them constantly to see if she fit the part. All she needed was a bath. The finale was maddening. You mean the baddies could have done that all along? What did they need Tally for? Her history with Nose had a heartbeat but her new buddy happend too swiftly and coincidentally to kick. Nose closure was a post-it from somebody else's refrigerator. I wished Croy was Smoke. Feelings coming back after transitioning wasn't explored enough to be convincing. Wouldn't starting fires to escape the opposition create an air map for the enemy? Skate surfing scenes uplifted but forging through the woods to bring grandma back was stark. It was not painful to watch or stay. 18-Sep-2024
Bromans UK (2017-)
An International Male catalog with skimpy naked men that should be licked. 31-Aug-2024
Bachelorette, The (2003-)
A neither would be most welcome. 30-Aug-2024
Dude, these guys are creeping me out. 30-Jul-2024
Aaron left. Of course she did. 24-Jul-2024
I hope this child has a lot of protection. How do you choose among wolves? Aaron is representing the LGBTQ community. Devin is all mouth. He can please casting but can he woo a woman? Should he even try? Hakeem has never watched an episode of the Simpsons. Jonathon looks like the kind of guy that would fuck your brains out until he gets Britney's number. Sam has a very pretty face. What's his sexual problem? Everyone acts like their agents taught them how to act. I pity the fool. 18-Jul-2024
Love Is Blind UK (2024-)
Reunion. There was no reason to invite Sam if he was going to wear pants. The ladies pounced on him because he professed a truth every lady should hear. Bobby is the perfect night lamp. Freddie is a smitten god that doesn't need puny shows to get laid. I don't know why Ollie is a god, he just is. Steven. I knew it wasn't going to work out when he showed up in a bikini and had nothing holding it up except that amazing body. 30-Aug-2024
Ollie was served a new contract that stipulated success if he didn't stray. How boring of him. He is what them ladies dream of every night. He needs to let his Bogart loose. Catherine had no business to elicit an orgasm in front of his fiancee and friends. Demi will hang on tight even when she's slipping. I opinionated that Steven deserves perfect scores for body and insecurity. No. My J.I. Joes did not look as buff as him. Tom is a frightening peak-a-boo daddy. The man is an awkward moment with a controlled body. Every couple should invite Sam over for a threesome and film the whole thing for 10 million dollars. Conor may be carved from stone but she craves thunder. Maria hearts business. When Booby met his future mother-in-law he farted inwards. Benaiah seems like a good man that needs a tune-up and lots of attention. Nicole yucked things up with a Joker smile. 19-Aug-2024
S1E5. Guess what, somebody sucked Benaiah's dick and it was sweet. Cat created a stir when she confronted Ollie and added a mental orgasm to the conversation. All the couples felt it. I even think Demi got accidentally sprayed. The woman with the most perfect man in the world found better chemistry with a god. Ollie cannot be left alone. Catherine caused a stir when her nice gesture found no moral support. Somebody was trading secret fast food recipes for hot salsa lunches. Sam. Have you seen the gams on that bitch? We can't encourage people to be themselves. They might not become us. 15-Aug-2024
The host represents a variety of genders and his wife is a Big Brother connoisseur. Sam is faithful. He kept it all about himself. Steven is like extra sushi on date night. Tom will be safe if he finds where she really is at. Ollie is the guy you forgive when he cheats because he might stalk you and he's godly. Freddie. What punishment is he enduring to lower his standards of excellence? I'd be wary of him. Connor was a gilded chocolate melting on a hollow grave. I would have faked it with Bobby for one more fuck. Benaiah needs someone to pull his hair and suck his dick. 10-Aug-2024